Am I an idiot? Just broke up with my hot, fast (16:30 5k), cool, fun GF who loves me

Run2b... wrote:

My questions are:

Why is she not "the one?" The other relationships you felt were "right" for you did not work out, so they were obviously NOT right. However this relationship has gone well for 1.5 years, so there must be quite a bit RIGHT about it.

I think you are trying to put too much on your gut feeling, and not taking a look at all the parts of the relationship, the ones that area good for you vs the things you put up with to be with her. First of all, what is it that annoys you so much about being with her? I would get a notebook, put a line down the middle of the page, list all the good things and reasons for being with her, and in the other column list all the negatives.

Don't list things like "I don't see myself being with her the rest of my life" because that is too general and kind of assine. Instead of that, put things like "she doesn't get what I'm talking about most of the time", or "she snores" etc (only if appropriate). Be brutally honest.

It could be that she IS the one, but you're clueless. So it's your task to figure this out. In the meantime you should admit to her that you're clueless, apologize for hurting her, and tell her you want to work out however is best for the two of you, either way.

See, she might BE the right one for you, but you're just not aware of this. The first and most important thing you can do is to find out WHAT are the things that are most important to you. By going through this process, you will likely encounter some surprises, i.e. things you thought were important are not, and things that you thought were not important could turn out to be VERY important to you.

I would definitly NOT give the heave ho to the relationship until you have worked through the process. Also I see no reason to be apart while working through this, unless that's what she wants.

If she is in Texas, give me her facebook info and I'll ask her out.

@$$$ - Yes, she has been without a BF and I don't know if she is lost if she is on her own. I met her while she was single and we started dating very soon after.

Actually, I'm the one thats always had a serious girlfriend. I've never really just dated around, I'm not that type of person. I had a period in grad school where I was single for a year and a half (longest time being single), but that got old and after I graduated, I started looking and found this girl. However, I don't feel lost when I'm alone... running helps with that of course. I just set goals and shit.

As of right now, that is the approach I think I am going to take. To live life alone for a while and see if I really miss her. However, I don't want to set myself up for another "break-up." For example, I tell her "let's take some time apart and we can discuss in a 2 weeks, a month, whatever." Then, I get to that point and still feel the same. I have to break her heart all over again.

J.R. - You know, that's my fear. That I'm reading too much into my feelings. But how do you measure that? What else do we have besides our feelings?

I think you are right, I need to sit right right down all the pros and cons of our relationship. See what I find.

I am not just going to "heave-ho" the relationship. I am obviously giving it some serious thought. With that being said, I am not married and I don't have to force things to work. If right now I'm not feeling 100% into it, why try and force it? The only answer I that makes sense for me to stay with her is that I am just an idiot and can't see what's in front of me. ... The alternative is, I try and make things work and risk finding out 3 yrs from now that she's not the one and go through this whole thing again and feel like I wasted my middle 20s hoping my feelings might change.

Kakapoian - not in TX, but thanks for your help.

Better hurry fast. How are you going to feel when you realize your mistake and she slept with a few guys in the time you are trying to figure out what you want? Would that bother you?

You knew from the beginning that she wasn't "the one" and you still stayed with her? What, did you just want her for free sex for as long as possible? If she's so awesome why couldn't you be honest with her?

You're an idiot for the entire relationship happening if you always knew it wasn't going to work. The whole thing was very selfish of you and you completely took advantage of her. Nice going you heartless freak.

you will know if you f***ed up if two years after the fact your jealous of the dude she is banging, and seeing your either single or with an uglier girl

i think you blew it bad, and your trying to justify your insicurities of not being able to committ to a beautiful girl...you are an idiot

I don't think you're an idiot. A long time ago, a previous gf of about 2.5 years and I were having dinner and she asks me how long do I think couples should be together before they get engaged. I (26 at the time) say something to the effect of "at least 5 years." That was pretty much the beginning of the end, but I have no regrets because I never really felt that intense spark with her (and she was hot).

Fast forward a couple of years later, and I meet a girl that basically knocked my socks off. 7 years later, I'm still madly in love - on the worst days, I feel more for her than the best days for the previous. You're still quite young. You'll be fine.

becareful - sure, it might bother me. but then i'd have an easy answer. i'd be 100% done with the relationship.

The Waterboy - don't comment on this thread if you aren't going to read the entire thing. i already explained why i continued to stay in this relationship.

i agree with spencer - hahaha yea, maybe. but what to do now?

12 rupees in - cool man, good story. if i choose to stay apart, i wish the same happens for me. i'm not chasing perfect, but there has to be something better than this, right?

you laugh now, but lets see in a few months with some beers in you...you will prob be giving some girl who looks worse than your ex the sad sob story.

im not a pessimistic ass im a realist, and i have seen soooo many dudes do this, myself included wanting more wanting better, when that was the best it was going to get, the high watermark...and now they are either with skanks, or still single hitting the bars trying to get laid, its pretty sad.

my advice is try and come back to her and hold on, 12 rupees is prob lying i mean shit its letsrun, where 90% are virgin nerds

pics?

My advice (since you asked):

Take the tough road, do the right thing and break up with her. At this point, you don't seem happy, and, trust me, you aren't going to get happier. Sure, this will hurt her but it is better for you both in the long run. It is cruel to continue stringing her along for several more years.

One thing: I do question why you made the decision to move in with this gal if your emotions are so mixed. I'm not some crazy "you are living in sin" religious fanatic but I do think that when you move in with someone, it gives the impression that you are serious about the relationship. Now, walking away will be so much more difficult and most likely a logistical nightmare.

Bottom line: do the right thing, not the easy thing. Break up and don't look back.

i agree with spencer - what makes me think you aren't apart of the percentage? i'm realist as well, i broke up with my GF bc i saw no REAL future. now your telling me to fake my feelings and get back with her?

i've had a better feelings than this.. i did in the relationship just before this one. maybe i'm chasing that same feeling? im not worried about dating some ugly girl, i'll never do that. i have high standards, always have. You are probably right about all the shanks out there, but not all of them. i have a lot of friends and know a lot of people, girls included who are not shanks.

OK GUYS, here is the count:

I'm an idiot - 8 people agree

I'm not an idiot - 7 people agree

Indifferent - 1 or 2 people

Asked for the ex's contact info - 2 peoples

Run2b... wrote:

OK GUYS, here is the count:

I'm an idiot - 8 people agree

I'm not an idiot - 7 people agree

Indifferent - 1 or 2 people

Asked for the ex's contact info - 2 peoples

Nobody asked for pics? That must be some kind of letsrun record.

I am on the opposite side of almost the exact same situation (16:50 5k, I think I'm fun, I love my boy, dating just about 1.5 years). I think right now we are fairly close to calling it quits.

Some days I wish we'd just call it off, some days I think we could work it out. Sometimes I really think he is "the one" and I think he thought I was too, but now we've moved in together and now it doesn't seem so sure. Sometimes it seems like we are not so into each other, so why waste our time? We are both in our early 20s. It's almost like we would be throwing the last year away (which was awesome, by the way) just because we cannot be roommates... but then again if you are going to eventually end up together forever, you're gonna have to be able to live together - although not in the same damn room.

I think about what if I heard that he had started dating someone else, or even just hooked up with someone else, but I mean... if you break up with someone, its kind of inevitable that they will find someone else or at least have a drunken hook up some night. You're gonna get jealous and mad. I would be pissed if we did break up and I heard about him hooking up with someone else but can I control that? no.

I hate to tell you that you're doing the right thing because I am essentially on the receiving end of your breakup right now and it feels like shit, but I don't think it would be fair to string her along any more. If you're not into it, you're not into it. And I agree that if you're not into her now after 1.5 years (and you never were) that it would be a mistake to go on another 3 years only to realize the same thing but then you are that much more invested into a relationship. You'll probably have a cat together by then, and who keeps the cat? Messy stuff right there.

"I need to sit right right down all the pros and cons of our relationship. See what I find."

I think it's wrong to be rational about your relationship...it's not a business decision.

another girl - Thanks for your input. Great question about the living situation.

Answer: We were living in different cities when we started dating. Me, living back home where I landed a job. Her, still living in her college town with no job. She visited me a lot and eventually found a job where I lived. I wasn't too keen on her moving in, however, it made no sense for her to live elsewhere. I live(d) with 2 guys, 1 had a girlfriend who lived there as well. My GF and I always hung out with my roommates. So basically, my gf would be paying rent to live somewhere she was never going to be. I didn't make sense, so she moved in with me. I had never lived with a GF before, but I didn't think it would be that big of a deal. Maybe a poor decision

are you my ex - don't think so. haha! did i break up with you yesterday? doesn't sound like it... thanks for your suggestion though. i think i agree with you.

Updated count:

I'm an idiot - 8 people agree

I'm not an idiot - 9 people agree

Indifferent - 1 or 2 people

Asked for the ex's contact info - 2 people

Good choice. If she runs that fast she's probably flat as a pancake.

Telling me not to comment buddy? Let me quote you:

Run2b... wrote:

I've known she isn't "the one" for a while now, but we weren't looking to get married anytime soon so I didn't have to/need to breakup with her.

That's what I meant when I said you were selfish for staying with her and misleading her when you knew it was never going to work, that's what I meant when I said if she was so awesome why weren't you honest with her, that's what I meant when I called you heartless.

Yea of course I didn't read your post. I know that that was your reason for staying, and I'm saying it's stupid. It's like you are trying to squeeze as many benefits from her as possible before she eventually demanded that you actually be open about your feelings which you clearly hid from her.

(when I said "yea of course I didn't read your post" that was sarcasm)