Worst than the post-nuptial shutoff

Love to tango wrote:

But now she seems completely disinterested. She comes up with excuses all the time. We haven't done it in over a month, whereas before it was like 2 times a day on the weekends.

She's still very sweet with me in every other department so it's not like the relationship is going sour. It just seems like her libido or attraction for me has suddenly turned off. I don't get it.

She's probably having second thoughts about whether you should be having sex before marriage. Three years of abstinence is an eternity nowadays-- she probably is starting to feel that it would have been better to wait.

My advise-- stop worry about finishing the act and take the opportunity to learn about her and her body. If she's uptight about whether you should be having sex in the first place, she's never gonna relax enough to really enjoy sex. Don't force actually completing the act.

Instead, in the meantime-- learn how to drive her crazy. You probably don't believe me now, but once a woman starts enjoying sex, she will want it more than you do.

Your balls may be blue for some time, but once you get her to that place, it will be worth the work...

3-yr abstinence suggests that both of you may be sexually uptight. Think back to see if she's been faking it.

Was she mostly the one who wanted the abstinence....

Is she capable of talking freely about various sexual practices, the clit, the gspot, getting down in every way, azz fingering, whatever?

If tabu, dirty and/or gross, get out of Dodge.

I just visit my friend Jill, she never says no.

But seriously, my g/f and I used to do it almost everyday, sometimes twice a day. Now it is once every few days, if that. It drives me crazy and when I spoke to her about it all she did was get upset. Now if I get rejected, I wait a while, get out of bed and just rub one out so I can go to bed and forget about it.

Sometimes a woman wants the man to show her he is really in charge. This is particularly true when you're not married. She won't think about marrying you if she doesn't know you are truly a man who fights for what he believes in.

You need to take her by force. It's not considered rape since you're a couple. Show her by God that you are the type of man who WILL get what he wants when he wants/needs it. It's sure to impress her and erase any doubts she might have had about your manliness.

This isn't uncommon. Many girls simply don't enjoy sex much after the lustre wears off, or at least they don't want it as much as guys do. You should be able to talk about it openly though and come to a compromise. I would be pissed if I brought this subject up and was brushed off by my SO. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and your feelings and concerns deserve to be taken seriously. If you feel you cannot be upfront and candid about your feelings without inciting a rise in your gf, then it may be time to reassess the relationship and consider counseling.

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Instead, in the meantime-- learn how to drive her crazy. You probably don't believe me now, but once a woman starts enjoying sex, she will want it more than you do.

Your balls may be blue for some time, but once you get her to that place, it will be worth the work...[/quote]

This may be a really stupid question, but how does a guy, once married or in a serious relationship, "learn to drive her crazy" without gaining knowledge from experience. Seriously. Is it porn? Men's magazines? Women's magazines?

I guess at a more basic level I'm asking how does a couple who wants to have better sex get ideas and guidance if you don't have a good experience base before you get married.

Some women just don't have much of a sex drive. One of my best friends is like this. If you care about sex, I would move on and find someone more sexually compatible. This will not improve.

You need to grab your stuff and run. Seriously...this has bad news written all over it.

At your age, you need to be banging chicks and having fun. ABC brother...Always Be Closing. Don't go into sales...you're wasting WAY too much time on a bad deal. You go without sex from 21 - 24, then she gives you a little taste of the good stuff, and then shuts the door. At this rate, you'll nail her again when you're 27.

She either sucks, or she's getting pounded by some other guy. Both are perfect excuses to cut your losses and move on to something better.

you may not want to think about it but "good times" is probably right...AND...NOTHING IS WORSE THAN POST-NUPTIAL SHUT OFF!!! (not counting death and stuff like that). You are not married, you can leave, more than likely if she's not getting pounded by another dude and you leave her, she'll come chasing and start giving it up again. Us married dudes on the other hand (those of us who try to be faithful) are stuck, we can't play that card! So you have options...those of us in post-nupt...do not.

Staying together for 3 years and being abstinent was a mistake. I'm sure you both felt this was a good thing to do for whatever reason, but the truth is that being together means ... being together.

Talk with her, be honest and especially be honest about sex. There's no point in pretending to be something you're not and something you'll never be happy being.

If it's not just something that's not related to her desire (and I seriously doubt it), then it won't get better. It just won't. It will never be completely gone, but it will never be what you want it to be.

This leaves you with a tough decision to make. Forget what you've invested in this relationship, be honest with yourself and her. And you may very well need to move on.

It's a Shame God made Woman from one of Adam's ribs instead of one of his Testicles.

want to be driven crazy wrote:

This may be a really stupid question, but how does a guy, once married or in a serious relationship, "learn to drive her crazy" without gaining knowledge from experience. Seriously. Is it porn? Men's magazines? Women's magazines?

I guess at a more basic level I'm asking how does a couple who wants to have better sex get ideas and guidance if you don't have a good experience base before you get married.

How does a guy learn how to break 15 for the 5k? From running movies? Running magazines? Reading "Letsrun?"

The most important ingredient is, of course, practice, practice, practice...

The OP has a woman who-- even if she's not sleeping with him now-- allows him to have some amount of access to her body. He has a long time to use that access to figure out what gets her going.

It may be a long process (especially if she thinks that sex is "wrong") and each woman is different-- but if you are willing to put in the time, you can figure it out.

It is much harder to do this in a hit-and-run scenario with something you picked up at a bar than it is to do it with a woman you see day after day.

11/10 made the front page.

you might enjoy reading Dan Savage's column, savage love. In one piece he writes,

"my advice to women with low libidos: You can have strict monogamy or you can have a low libido, ladies, but you can't have both. If monogamy is a priority, you're gonna have to put out, i.e., regular vaginal intercourse and the occasional tide-him-over handjob and/or b******, cheerfully given. If all you wanna do is sit there and eat chocolate, you're gonna have to turn a blind eye to lap dances and mistresses and happy endings and the return of trade, i.e., gay guys giving NSA head to straight guys."

in another he is writing about a foot fetish, but the request for sex fits in perfectly:

you're going to have to play the breakup card. It's the only leverage you have. Tell her that if she can indulge your fetish—happily and regularly—and take some pleasure in giving you pleasure, she might be "the one." If she can't or won't, she obviously isn't. (Not that "the one" is anything other than a destructive myth, but for the sake of winning this argument, go ahead and use it.)

Finally, SFF, don't let the girlfriend—or anyone else—tell you that you're threatening to end this relationship over something trivial. Sexual fulfillment is important, particularly if your relationship is exclusive. And the "triviality" of your kink cuts both ways: If your kink is so trivial, why not just indulge you then? And in a long-term relationship—or a marriage—one partner's sexual selfishness and another's sexual frustration rarely prove trivial over the long haul. They're more often grounds for divorce.

But first, you should have a conversation with her. You might be really pleased at how it goes. It's possible that she's been waiting for you to ask.

Good luck.

Good points and I agree that sexual fulfillment is important. OP-Either break it off or let her know that this could be a deal breaker. I think this is about low sex drive, but even if she isn't in the mood she should want to help fulfill your desires. However take note, because even if she improves from here, she might just shut you off again when you get married.

I'm amazed this thread has gotten so much play. This is so simple, it's practically open-n-shut.

1. She doesn't like sex. If that's the case, get out now.

2. She's a lesbian. 'Nuff said.

3. The OP is a lousy lover and has, therefore, turned her off for life. Move on.

End of thread.

She wants more of the back-door burner. Until you put out, she'll shut you out?

did she enjoy it inititally? because if she did and now she's shutting you down, she's not into you...physically or emotionally.

*initially