What Tiger Woods should say

If you really are a "spin doctor" you should be sued for malpractice.

That is just terrible.

Tiger should just say. I'm a powerful man, and I have powerful appetites. Other chic is just "road p#ssy", no big deal. Let's move on.

the BEST Tiger Woods summation on the internet...

http://simonstitchup.blogspot.com/2009/11/eldrick-woods.html

The f word and other language niceties are usually not my cup of tea, but oh my, I like this guy's writing. Is he a runner? He sounds like one (clever and full of pent-up rage).

What's the difference between Elin Woods and Phil Mickelson? Phil can't beat Tiger with golf clubs.

...I'm gonna demand a full refund on my Lasik Eye Surgery, lol!!! Damn, how'd that fire hydrant get there anyway?

hahahah wrote:

the BEST Tiger Woods summation on the internet...

http://simonstitchup.blogspot.com/2009/11/eldrick-woods.html

I have never really liked Tiger Woods.

Respect and admire him as the greatest golfer that has ever lived? - for sure. But like him? - nah.

I don't know exactly what it is about him yet at the same time I sort of do - if you get what I am saying.

He has this extremely uncool arrogance about him. An eerie stench of smugness coupled with a distinctly nerdish and dorky boorishness about him. He missed "good friend" Payne Stewarts funeral because of long iron practice and had laser surgery on his eyes to improve them to 20/10 vision to help his putting - the difference between that and performance enhancing drug taking, I'm not really sure. An epic munter.

For so long he was spotless, unflappable and unbeatable. He was the perfect sporting role model - the worlds first billion dollar sportsman, with the fairytale Swedish princess wife.

But just went you thought that Eldrick Woods might just be the second coming of Jesus Christ himself (figuratively speaking of course) - destined for a life and sporting career of simplistic perfection, he goes and cheats on his wife with some fake-tittied bimbo, has a massive argument with his wah at two thirty in the morning which all culminates in him being chased down the driveway whilst in his SVU and crashing the f***er into a fire hydrant after getting the fright of his life when his Swedish princess Barry Bonds'ed a pitching wedge through his rear window... (deep breath)...

I always thought Tiger Woods was secretly full of shit but now I know that he most certainly is. Does this f***er think we are all stupid? I know it's only a tiny excerpt of what has been reported on, but it sums up the whole façade quite nicely...

“the only person responsible for this accident is me. My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false.”

Hey Tiger, we might think you are good at golf, but it doesn't mean you can come up with just any f***ing tripe and think we will automatically believe it. The use of the word "assertion" doesn't automatically mean your PR-team created spiel is in any way plausible.

So let me get this straight. You expect us to believe that you were just "out for a drive" at 2.30am in the morning and you somehow managed to crash your car into not just a fire hydrant but then ALSO a tree. But thankfully your wife was there immediately on site (not IN the car, just down the f***ing driveway at 2.30am in the morning), with golf club in hand ready to save you from your horrific crash into the fire hydrant by not OPENING THE FRONT DOOR, but by smashing in the rear view mirror - presumably in order to tear the whole thing out and save the fire department from firing up the jaws of life.

Because to me, that sounds like the stupidest f***ing thing I have ever heard in my life.

Lets be honest Tiger, you've been dipping the Johnson where you shouldnt have, haven't you.

Your wife who probably had plenty of chances to cheat on YOUR boring arse but didn't, got wind of it and busted your grill a bit then threatened to tee off on your melon with a strong three wood. So you saddled up, got the f*** out of therr and then sadly for you it all turned to shit. Then in a pathetic attempt to save your "stellar" public persona you and the IMG boys came up with some shit about your wife "saving your life" when in reality she was probably trying to end it.

Tiger, if you did it - I wouldn't blame her one bit. And guess what, I have no doubts you did.

I'm sure you'll eventually get away with it too when Elin realises her meal ticket is worth more then her self esteem but just know you might be able to fool all your rim-licking cronies in the American sports media but you can't fool this hombre.

Eldrick Woods, a stitch-up of the highest order.

Runner Spin Doctor wrote:

I hit my mouth on the steering wheel pretty good and was knocked senseless for a minute.

I agree that it's bad to lie. But if you were going to tell this story, couldn't the doctors look to see if he has wounds around his mouth?

Well stated Zombie Press. You hit on all the salient points and expressed by contempt for the man with no balls.

Tiger is like all the other liars out there. If you have to lie, please know that 95% of the world pretty much knows its a lie.

Continuing to lie is to tell us you really think we are stupid.

Tiger, its very simple really. We know why you wont talk to the cops. Anyone who crashed a car into a tree while sober would have NO PROBLEM explaining the facts to the cops, even if it meant getting a ticket.

So why the delay? So Nike and your management team can work on your story?

Why would you admit you were beat up by your wife if you were not going to press charges anyway?

Tiger to Letsrun:

NONE OF YOUR GOD DAMN BUSINESS.

Tiger to the cops:

Give me the ticket and F***Off & go solve a real crime.

Tiger to Lets run:

See you on the golf course.

Tiger to his wife:

"I stuck my black mamba up that Aussie slapper"

Elin Woods's Nike "Tiger Woods Edition" 5 iron to the back of Tigers SUV:

"smash"

LMFAO, POD.

Eldrick Woods, a stitch-up of the highest order.[/quote]

Bump in light of further developments. It would have been even more laughable if Eldrick had followed Runner Spin Doctor's advice.

Uncle Sammy wrote:

Why doesn't Tiger just lay it on the line.

"I'm the richest and most famous athlete in the world. I am a black man dominating a white man's game. Elle was somebody's nanny before I started dating her. If she hadn't married me, she'd be a B-list model in Europe trying to scratch out a living. I love her still, but, damn, I am on the road like 40 weeks a year. I am going to need a little something on the side from time to time. I am never going love those women on the road. I have sex with them. But I 'make love' to my wife."

I am so-o-o waiting for the first dude to give a statement like this.

Stand up for male sexuality; tell people it is none of their business and to focus on their own lives.