20 somethings not growing up

Since I'm too old to seriously date college students, any guy who wanted to date me would be too old to be living with his parents. If I had to pick an age, I'd say two years after college graduation (~24). A guy who has his own house but goes to his parents' every weekend and lets his mother do his laundry and clothes shopping is also getting crossed off my list. I've found that too often, these guys are just looking for a mother replacement to even bother with them.

But I'm saying that as a personal preference, not an ultimate moral judgment. I have several female friends who think it's just wonderful if a guy they're dating is super-close to his family (and by family, I mean mother). A few of them have happily married, happily moved next door to one or both of their families, and had their ILs become "just like a second set of parents". I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, but I have absolutely no desire for that to be me.

I'll never forget all the college move-in days when I was living on campus. I watched perfectly healthy 20 year old men (some of them collegiate athletes) walk empty handed as their 50 year old parents carried their shit. I can't even imagine the mindset that a person must have to make them feel that it's acceptable to let an old lady carry your big screen TV for them. If I had ever pulled that shit, my dad just might have shot me (rightfully so). I used to feel bad for the parents, but I've realized that they're getting what they deserve for bringing such coddled, spoiled people into the world.

I'm not even going to pretend that I'm not a bit spoiled myself, I know I am, but the level of childishness that I see in many of my peers is simply astounding. People my age like to think of themselves as children for some reason that I'll never understand. Some don't even realize that they're adults. For example, a few weeks ago, one of my friends was complaining because his parents wouldn't do something for him. I basically told him that a grown man shouldn't have to run to his mother for whatever it was that he needed. This surprised the hell out of him because he had never thought of himself as a grown man before. It was like it was some kind of a damn revelation that he is an adult.

Just "kicked out" my 24 year old daughter. Told her it was time for her to be on her own, even if she had to sling hash. She has a B.A. from an expensive private school but no idea what to do with herself. She dabbles at this and that, works part-time, considers graduate school, etc. This has been going on for 2 years. It was hard for me to do and I admit I spoiled her, but enough was enough.

I called her a "grown woman" and she seemed surprised. It will be good for her to struggle. Goodness knows I did when I was younger.

Over the past 30 years we have extended adolescence to age 30. It's ridiculous. I grew up in a working class family. Neither of my parents went to college, they actually got married right after HS and started a family within 2 years. So at age 24 my father was doing what had to be done to take care of a wife and two kids.

Now, we act like 24 year olds are 17 year olds.

Oddly enough, it's been graduate school that has really made me grow up, I think. My parents aren't wealthy by any stretch, but I always had money to buy my lunch at school, gotten two cars (one a handmedown, the other bought used with left over money from my college fund), they've paid my car insurance since I got my license, etc.

Basically, until I got here I had a pretty loose grasp of the real value of money, but for some reason, probably having to set up my own household for the first time, I decided I was going to live within my means, paydown my credit card, etc., even though my graduate stipend is less that $18k.

Actually, now that I think about it, that's almost certainly the reason. Maybe the solution is just to kick them (us) out of the house and refuse to give them financial help unless some mob guys are going to kill them.

are these 20 and 30 somethings stoners?

Or can they actually hold down a job?

Were they Ritalin kids coddled by Mommy?

If that had been the case of me or my siblings my parents

would have sold the house and moved...without telling us where.

It's the parents fault...

they taught them no survival skills

or no marketable skills besides saying

"would you like fries with that?"

Dr. Phil would ask two questions...

What were you thinking?

and

Is that working for you?

He HATES enablers of social retarded

and functionally disabled slackers.

They are a burden on society.

Do you want to be your brother's keeper?

Dependency is a dangerous thing. The longer you stay at home the more maladjusted you become. And it doesn't even occur to you until you get out on your own and realize how far behind you are.

I am tired of people talking about good ol days when everything was great and there is no hope for the future now.i am now 29...went to college at 17, graduated at 21, worked every summer in college at the college (which was 400 miles from my parents house). After graduation moved 2000 miles away, 1 year of work then phd in 4 yearsnow at 29 i own a home and make fantastic a living and am happyi don't think i am all that unusual - there always has been and always will be lazy people and that includes children and twenty somethingsbut it certainly isn't everybody

Jizzmo wrote:

Over the past 30 years we have extended adolescence to age 30. It's ridiculous. I grew up in a working class family. Neither of my parents went to college, they actually got married right after HS and started a family within 2 years. So at age 24 my father was doing what had to be done to take care of a wife and two kids.

Now, we act like 24 year olds are 17 year olds.

just one situation wrote:

not all 20 somethings who move back into their parents' house can't grow up. sometimes it's just practical and the stigma of living at home isn't as prevalent as it used to be. i'm about to graduate and start an entry level job at 50k+ a year. i want to pay off my student loans and save as much money as possible in the next year, so why not live with my parents for a year, or until i can't stand it? i don't party often or bring guests home, so i'm saving over 1k a month. i'm fairly independent--i talk to my parents maybe once a month--but i won't pass up something this financially smart. i'll be more financially secure in the long run by reducing my expenses early on.

I think it's important to think about what your parents want in this situation. Remember, they have spent 18+ years raising and supporting you. At some point, it is time for you to leave and let them enjoy their time. Perhaps once the kids are finally gone they can re-connect as a couple. With you in the house, well, that may not be an option. It's unlikely your parents would tell you NOT to move in, because, well -- they're your parents, and if they think you need help, they'll help. Try not being so selfish, your entire post is about what you want/need, and doesn't even consider the wants/needs of your parents.

i am now 29...

went to college at 17, graduated at 21, worked every summer in college at the college (which was 400 miles from my parents house). After graduation moved 2000 miles away, 1 year of work then phd in 4 years

now at 29 i own a home and make fantastic a living and am happy

i don't think i am all that unusual - there always has been and always will be lazy people and that includes children and twenty somethings

but it certainly isn't everybody

what is your PhD in and what do you do?

Oh very true! I want to retire and move to a smaller place. Right now I'm keeping my home because the real estate market is bad, but in about 2-3 years I want to stop work and cash out my home's equity, move to a less expensive location, and stop supporting my kids! As much as I love them, I have sacrificed for them for over 25 years and now I want to spend time with my wife and do things that we want to do. I have told them that the financial spigot turns off in about 6 months because I need to focus my financial assets on my own situation, not theirs.

To the poster who says it's practical to move back with his parents for a year....have you ever considered what THEY may want? They may be glad to have you out of the house. Of course they'll say that you can move back in because they love you more than they love themselves, but seriously consider their wants, not just your own.

phd in economics, i work for a hedge fund

My roommate is one of these social retards that was coddled too much. His parents made him live at home while he was in college. We're first year law students and the kid is just a complete moron. I had to show him how to do laundry, how to work the dishwasher, how to cook (and he still can't get things right), etc. He's the biggest slob ever because his mom picked up after him. He can't even balance his checkbook because he's never had a checking account. This kid is 25! He tries to tell me that it's because he's Indian and all this other bullshit. He's from Jersey, born and raised. If he was fresh off the boat, I might tolerate it a bit more. I've already told him that I refuse to live with him next year, so he is currently looking for one bedroom apartments. Wherever he lives, I bet he'll starve to death or burn the apartment to the ground.

Pope T-Bag II wrote:

Article basically says that parents are regretting coddling their kids too much when they were raised and now they can't grow up and move on with their lives in their 20s. Sound like anyone you guys know?

As a 20-something, let me just say - no, it doesn't sound like anyone I know. Not a single high school or college friend of mine lives at home with their parents. Thanks for the generalization though!

Well then, that covers at least 20 or 25 people eh?

Thank you for providing that deep sample size.

for truth wrote:

As a 20-something, let me just say - no, it doesn't sound like anyone I know. Not a single high school or college friend of mine lives at home with their parents. Thanks for the generalization though!

How is the OP generalizing? He would be generalizing if he said that all parents regret coddling their kids, but he doesn't say that. He says that parents regret coddling their kids. He could be talking about 90%, 10%, or 1% of parents.

I found this with a quick google search and have no idea about the American Sociological Association? But i'm in my 40's and i know about 20 people in their 20's living at home. I'm calling BS on you. And those getting economic support (down payment, tuition assistance, travel money, auto insurance payments) covers nearly everyone I know in this age group. Not all.

"According to the American Sociological Association, the number of twenty-somethings reaching traditional marks of adulthood by age 30 — graduation, leaving home, getting a full-time job, marriage, having a baby — has dropped from 77 percent of women and 65 percent of men in 1960 to 46 percent of women and 31 percent of men in 2000. Additionally, 40 percent of those in their late 20s still receive economic support from their parents, while close to 50 percent still live at home."

Glenn Page wrote:

I found this with a quick google search and have no idea about the American Sociological Association? But i'm in my 40's and i know about 20 people in their 20's living at home. I'm calling BS on you. And those getting economic support (down payment, tuition assistance, travel money, auto insurance payments) covers nearly everyone I know in this age group. Not all.

"According to the American Sociological Association, the number of twenty-somethings reaching traditional marks of adulthood by age 30 — graduation, leaving home, getting a full-time job, marriage, having a baby — has dropped from 77 percent of women and 65 percent of men in 1960 to 46 percent of women and 31 percent of men in 2000. Additionally, 40 percent of those in their late 20s still receive economic support from their parents, while close to 50 percent still live at home."

You assume that the people he knows represent a balanced cross section of American society.

Although I know of someone in her late 20s who did live at home (my sister), I also do not personally know a single person in their 20s who currently lives with their parents. I know plenty of people who have delayed traditional adulthood, but none who live at home.

i would guess that is largely due to people have children later in life - in an age where advanced degrees are in demeand and the skills required to compete in a global economy are high people having children later in life is to be expectedit doesn't mean people are moving out later.i finished my phd when i was 28, until then kids were not a possibility in my mind

Glenn Page wrote:

I found this with a quick google search and have no idea about the American Sociological Association? But i'm in my 40's and i know about 20 people in their 20's living at home. I'm calling BS on you. And those getting economic support (down payment, tuition assistance, travel money, auto insurance payments) covers nearly everyone I know in this age group. Not all.

"According to the American Sociological Association, the number of twenty-somethings reaching traditional marks of adulthood by age 30 — graduation, leaving home, getting a full-time job, marriage, having a baby — has dropped from 77 percent of women and 65 percent of men in 1960 to 46 percent of women and 31 percent of men in 2000. Additionally, 40 percent of those in their late 20s still receive economic support from their parents, while close to 50 percent still live at home."