What I hear you saying is that she doesn't offer spontaneous support for you and your hopes and dreams. Do you do that for her? If you're not "into" her, it probably means your values differ just enough to hold back from more fully supporting each other. Or one or both of you have difficulty communicating and exemplifying your values.
Take it for what its worth, but think about what you said about lacking the "jolt of energy to conquer the world for the woman" you were previously with. You may disagree, but this is a bad thing. If you need a partner to inspire you to do so, this means you will always be fighting for their approval. While you are viewing the lack of "passion" and "jolt" as bad, I would counter that it is actually good.
While there are exceptions, the norm is that people who elicit emotions like "passion" are not actually good people. They are simply people who we subconsciously view as being bigger or better than us, usually due to some level of antisocial personality disorder. They awaken some old pattern of approval-seeking, whether from childhood or our middle school/high school years. What you think is "passion" is not a feel-good emotion - it is a state of panic to which you are addicted. Your body gets used to these chemicals of chasing and you assume you have to have this hit in order to "conquer the world."
So, you are right. Your current GF is not the right woman for you. But, it is not a problem with her. It is a hole in you, and until you can fix it this pattern will repeat itself. As long as you yearn for female approval, you will counter-intuitively reject women who give you the peace of not seeking approval and instead seek those who will always dangle the carrot of approval.
He has not adequately went through the necessary process of being emotionally broken by narcissistic and borderline women. He will not understand what you have to say. He will have an epiphany in about 5-10 years after hitting rock bottom due to being cheated on, or maybe even going through a divorce. He will look back at the stable, nurturing and agreeable woman he left and realize what at terrible mistake he made, but it will be too late.
OP is thinking way too hard on this. As others have said, just ask yourself some important questions like: do you love her, do your core values align, do you have similar goals in life, is she physically and mentally attractive to you? If all those are yes then you are probably in a good relationship. It can be intimidating thinking about the future and marriage. But she sounds like a keeper based on the info you gave and you sound like you just need to take a deep breath and relax.
Dude. S**t or get off the pot. You're stealing this girls youth or what is left of it. Go find what makes you happy at the risk you may never find anything. Be a man.
Mack J wrote:
I've been dating a woman for a little over a year, very casually at first, but our relationship progressed a lot, partly because she had a major life event happen that involved us having a lot of really in-depth conversations and sharing of emotions about our lives. She is an objectively great partner and person: no drama, emotionally stable, makes sound financial decisions, values health and wellness, has an internal locus of control, self-aware, etc. There has been no major conflict in the entire year we've seen each other, and when there are things that need to be hashed out, we've been able to discuss them very maturely.
All that being said, I am having a very tough time seeing myself marrying this woman or us combining lives. I don't really understand why exactly either, but it's just very hard for me to envision, and if I am being honest, I feel like I don't want those things with her. I like her, but I also don't feel like I have "passion" for her. I have had relationships in the past where I did feel those things and like the woman I was with gave me tremendous inspiration and motivation, like I felt this jolt of energy to conquer the world for the woman I was with. I don't really feel that at all for my current gf, even though I can recognize intellectually she's a good partner.
We have started having conversations about the future, our relationship, etc, and I don't really know what to do. We only see each other about twice per week, and it's hard for me to see our relationship progressing beyond that. I have considered suggesting a break, but I know those often don't go well.
Any advice?
It sounds very sage but not fulfilling. Maybe you are wasting both of your times?
Mack J wrote:
I've been dating a woman for a little over a year, very casually at first, but our relationship progressed a lot, partly because she had a major life event happen that involved us having a lot of really in-depth conversations and sharing of emotions about our lives. She is an objectively great partner and person: no drama, emotionally stable, makes sound financial decisions, values health and wellness, has an internal locus of control, self-aware, etc. There has been no major conflict in the entire year we've seen each other, and when there are things that need to be hashed out, we've been able to discuss them very maturely.
All that being said, I am having a very tough time seeing myself marrying this woman or us combining lives. I don't really understand why exactly either, but it's just very hard for me to envision, and if I am being honest, I feel like I don't want those things with her. I like her, but I also don't feel like I have "passion" for her. I have had relationships in the past where I did feel those things and like the woman I was with gave me tremendous inspiration and motivation, like I felt this jolt of energy to conquer the world for the woman I was with. I don't really feel that at all for my current gf, even though I can recognize intellectually she's a good partner.
We have started having conversations about the future, our relationship, etc, and I don't really know what to do. We only see each other about twice per week, and it's hard for me to see our relationship progressing beyond that. I have considered suggesting a break, but I know those often don't go well.
Any advice?
You should have messed around with a few crazy unstable sluts, then you'd be grateful to find this one and settle down. Instead you wonder what excitement you're missing and you're going to blow it with this one.
Yeah this guy gets it.
Create your own excitement. Don't seek it in women. Find someone who compliments your life and is mentally stable.
I’ve been in your situation. I learned some lessons the hard way after she eventually dumped me for not committing to marriage.
My view is that love is a choice and you need to decide if you can choose this person for all their good and bad qualities. I think the idea that you need to feel passion is not accurate and is something we get from movies. You can also build passion in the relationship if you want it.
If you have an amazing partner, dont take it for granted. deeply consider what you really need and want out of a relationship and if you decide shes not it, let her go now.
Women who are objectively good for me are boring. That's why I prefer to date strippers who make my life a living hell.
That's a lot of words to say you're just not attracted to her.
Alright yeah I do this too. Just ended things with the most unstable woman I've been with and I'm missing the stability that I had with my ex years ago. How do I fix this (from a personal standpoint, not getting back with ex).
If I fix this aspect of myself what kind of impact can I expect to see on training? If it will not provide me faster times then I would be happier to live in this cycle of self-destruction for at least a few more good years of training.
Psycho-logist wrote:
While there are exceptions, the norm is that people who elicit emotions like "passion" are not actually good people. They are simply people who we subconsciously view as being bigger or better than us, usually due to some level of antisocial personality disorder. They awaken some old pattern of approval-seeking, whether from childhood or our middle school/high school years. What you think is "passion" is not a feel-good emotion - it is a state of panic to which you are addicted. Your body gets used to these chemicals of chasing and you assume you have to have this hit in order to "conquer the world."
Damn. Bingo. Took me a lot of years and a lot of grief to realize that the passion drug is addictive and destructive. Good sex, although it gets shut off fast when things go bad.
Can you send me get email address?
But seriously, break up with her. You sound more on one side of the fence than the other, if you were considering a “break” and only seeing her two days a week anyways. Also, “breaks” are f*cking stupid, and if you ever consider a “break”, y’ain’t with the right gal.
Honestly if you’re under 30 or so and not horrible looking, you’d be surprised at how easy it is to find someone else great. Dating is fun, go sack up and do it.
You've been together a year and you're thinking about marriage?
If you need to be inspired and motivated by your partner, then you aren't ready to marry her or anyone else. Be your own champion.
I think that if you are this unsure you should break it off otherwise you will always wonder "what if"
Break it off now, the longer you wait the worse the fallout from it will get
Doesn’t sound like she’s the one for you right now. When you’re ready you’ll know and you’ll likely wish you had been ready now because long-term relationships don’t last with the type of woman you want now but do with the type of relationship you have now. It’s a paradox.
Mack J wrote:
I've been dating a woman for a little over a year, very casually at first, but our relationship progressed a lot, partly because she had a major life event happen that involved us having a lot of really in-depth conversations and sharing of emotions about our lives.
All that being said, I am having a very tough time seeing myself marrying this woman or us combining lives. I We only see each other about twice per week, and it's hard for me to see our relationship progressing beyond that. I have considered suggesting a break, but I know those often don't go well.
Any advice?
youre still seeing this woman very casually and her "major life event" apparently had little impact on your feelings for her. if you're not "feeling it" then just break up and stop going on and on about what is clearly a lack of infatuation or spark. just because a partner looks good on paper doesnt make them a good partner. if you respect yourself and this person, you'll either part ways or have an honest talk about your feelings instead of asking your fellow runners who dont know you, your gal, and have nothing to lose by giving you good, bad, or no advice at all.