I feel like I would much rather be single than with the wrong person, but maybe that's not the best way to look at things.
I think that this is a perfectly fine way to look at things. Finding the right partner isn't easy, and you've clearly had lots of opportunities to find her, so maybe the idea of partnership isn't a huge draw for you. If that's the case, then partnership is a high risk, low reward situation for you
What is it about the idea of living with a partner that you struggle with? And what is it about the idea of being a family man that's appealing? There are a lot of "correct" answers to these questions, but not all of them will lead you to good places
That is a big part of it. I don't want or need nearly as much time with others as most people do. I've had friends and girlfriends get mad at me about it. I am kind of a workaholic, though some of what I consider "work" is stuff like working out, reading by myself, etc. Most women want a guy they can watch shows with every night, spend their Saturday with nearly every weekend, etc. I like that stuff in moderation, but doing it at the level that most people do is overwhelming and exhausting for me. But then if we cater to my needs, the woman I'm seeing feels like her needs are not getting met. It's been a problem. It is absolutely not uncommon at all for me to be out doing something with a girl and almost the whole time be thinking that I'd rather be back home by myself working on something. Sometimes I think I'm just not really wired for steady relationships.
I have taught and coached etc some in my life, and I've always loved it. I love the idea of being a dad. For me, living with someone seems kind of hard because of how much attention they want from me a lot of the time. I understand eating meals together, sleeping together, etc, but I've had girlfriends who kind of want to do everything together or feel put out if I don't want to go over to their friend's house with them or something. Stuff like that. I need to still have my own life.
Having a family is appealing because I like the idea of spending holidays with a family, watching movies together, going on vacations together, showing and teaching my kids things, etc. I don't really have any younger relatives than me. If I don't procreate, I'm going to have basically no close family once my parents die, and given they're both 70, that might not be terribly far off.
I recently turned 35 and have been reflecting on my life a lot. I've had a few serious long term relationships in my life, but even the longest one was only about 2 years, though I have had many less serious "relationships" of sorts with women last much longer than that. I actually have many women in my life, which is obviously nice, though it has made settling down and sticking to just one woman kind of difficult. It's kind of like I have 5-10 "sort of" girlfriends at any given time, and some of them are women I've known for more than 5 years. Most do not live here, so we spend time together infrequently, but when we do it's really great, passionate, etc, and we both genuinely like and appreciate each other, but then we go back to our lives and only communicate via sending memes and occasional messages to each other for the most part. Some of them have more or less told me they would like us to be married/partnered, but that's never happened due to me, but they still enjoy me enough to carry on with these "sort of" relationships knowing both of us date other people here and there.
I feel like I'm sort of at a cross-roads in my life now though because if I am going to marry someone and start a family, it should probably happen fairly soon now that I'm 35... But every time I start to get close to someone and our lives start getting intertwined, I feel like I don't actually like it very well and like I'd be happier not being tied down per se. I have also been living alone now for ~10 years outside of one of my serious relationships, and I honestly kind of struggle with the idea of living with a gf and seeing them every single day. I am very aware this is not normal/typical... It's just kind of how I am.
On one hand I do want kids, and I do like the idea of being a family man, but on the other hand, it feels like it's almost in my DNA to be a rambling man for life, like anything else is going against the grain of what's natural to me. Anyone have any advice? Anyone have the option of settling down and choose not to? How has life played out for you?
Not sure why you’re getting all the down votes. These are legitimate questions that deserve actual responses. Since you’re asking for advice, allow me to dispense: you should get married. Why? Because you appear to be having a lot of sex with a lot of different women. Don’t shoplift the pootie from a bunch of women. It isn’t right. It’s harmful to them and to you, though you may not realize it. Be responsible with your sex, and don’t hand it out like cheap currency.
Let’s be honest. If you weren’t getting a$$ from all these women, you probably would be married already, because you want to hit it. Therefore, you have failed to get married only because you are capable of sexual variety. While normal reasoning, it is a sorry reason to avoid marriage. Many of those women would like to be with you exclusively, or to marry you. They stick around you, and give up the hoochie, on the off chance that you will change your mind. Many of these women will go on to marry other men, who will have to contend with the fact that they are a consolation prize. That isn’t right.
Respect yourself, and respect the ladies. Get married.
Not sure why you’re getting all the down votes. These are legitimate questions that deserve actual responses. Since you’re asking for advice, allow me to dispense: you should get married. Why? Because you appear to be having a lot of sex with a lot of different women. Don’t shoplift the pootie from a bunch of women. It isn’t right. It’s harmful to them and to you, though you may not realize it. Be responsible with your sex, and don’t hand it out like cheap currency.
Let’s be honest. If you weren’t getting a$ from all these women, you probably would be married already, because you want to hit it. Therefore, you have failed to get married only because you are capable of sexual variety. While normal reasoning, it is a sorry reason to avoid marriage. Many of those women would like to be with you exclusively, or to marry you. They stick around you, and give up the hoochie, on the off chance that you will change your mind. Many of these women will go on to marry other men, who will have to contend with the fact that they are a consolation prize. That isn’t right.
Respect yourself, and respect the ladies. Get married.
Jealous much? If the man has a good thing going why do you want him to be as miserable as you?
Not sure why you’re getting all the down votes. These are legitimate questions that deserve actual responses. Since you’re asking for advice, allow me to dispense: you should get married. Why? Because you appear to be having a lot of sex with a lot of different women. Don’t shoplift the pootie from a bunch of women. It isn’t right. It’s harmful to them and to you, though you may not realize it. Be responsible with your sex, and don’t hand it out like cheap currency.
Let’s be honest. If you weren’t getting a$ from all these women, you probably would be married already, because you want to hit it. Therefore, you have failed to get married only because you are capable of sexual variety. While normal reasoning, it is a sorry reason to avoid marriage. Many of those women would like to be with you exclusively, or to marry you. They stick around you, and give up the hoochie, on the off chance that you will change your mind. Many of these women will go on to marry other men, who will have to contend with the fact that they are a consolation prize. That isn’t right.
Respect yourself, and respect the ladies. Get married.
Jealous much? If the man has a good thing going why do you want him to be as miserable as you?
Honestly, it sounds like having kids may not be for you. I'm an introvert myself, so I can certainly see where you're coming from when you write about not wanting to spend all your downtime with your partner.
However, it's not really possible to tell little kids "I'm feeling over-socialized, can we do independent activities for awhile?" At least when they're young, kids are going to need you at regular, frequent intervals for things like meals, snacks, diaper changes, refilling their water cups, dressing, bathing, etc. When they're sick, they need even more hands-on attention. If you find living with an adult to be overwhelming at times, it will probably feel much more overwhelming living with a child.
Some people find that their love for their child transforms their previous dispositions, and things that they suddenly would have found suffocatingly tedious or exhausting are tasks they can willingly shoulder out of parental devotion. It may not be smart to bank on that happening for you, though. I suppose you could also marry a woman who is content with doing pretty much all the hands-on and monotonous parts of childrearing. It will be hard to find someone who won't want/need you to tap in sometimes, though, and if you're not sufficiently pulling your weight it will likely cause problems in your marriage.
There's no shame in realizing that having kids isn't right for you and deciding to contribute to the world in other ways. Kids can sense when their parents resent them, and it can make for a lot of emotional turmoil and self esteem issues. You could always coach or volunteer with organizations like Big Brother Big Sister if you want to spend quality time mentoring the younger generation.
Let me begin by saying it was wrong for me to call you an idiot. I shouldn’t give into my anger. That said, my advice is excellent, and is not intended as a cover for any kind of jealousy or anything stupid like that. You don’t have to agree with my advice, but don’t make assumptions about my character.
Live your life how you want. If you try to please society before being true to yourself, you will end up miserable. Seen too many people settle and then become bitter, cheat, ruin/compromise other people's (including kids) lives.
Live your life how you want. If you try to please society before being true to yourself, you will end up miserable. Seen too many people settle and then become bitter, cheat, ruin/compromise other people's (including kids) lives.
Great post. A lot of dead marriages because of this!
No, my advice is very good. I suggest stop catting around. Find a woman you can trust, make a lifelong commitment to marriage, and have some kids if you like. It’s not terribly complicated, people have been doing it for thousands of years. The trick is to find a trustworthy woman, which you certainly can. She doesn’t have to be perfect, and she doesn’t have to be your best friend, and she doesn’t even have to make your heart do flip-flops every time you see her.
all she really needs to do is be trustworthy, take care of your kids, have sex with you regularly, and be generally pleasant.