Seeking advice on raising high level athletic children

Former D1 runner with 3 athletic kids. 2 are in high school and could play college sports if they so chose. My parents divorced when I was young. Mom was physically present but not very involved in my running. Dad was very supportive when he was around, but he wasn't always around. The only reasons I ended up going as far as I did were 1) I was gifted and 2) I really wanted it. It was a path I chose though. Other than some high school coaches, no one else pushed or even nudged me in any direction. Do I wish my parents were different looking back? No. It all worked out and they gave me space to think things through on my own.

To echo other posters, I am supportive with my kids, but very hands-off and chill when it comes to their sports. Exposing them to as many activities as possible is critical, especially when they're young. The rest will generally take care of itself. Enjoy the ride and as others mention, enjoy the now as it is here and gone in an instant.

Flagpole wrote:

HRE wrote:

Your kids are 6 and 8. Nothing means anything before puberty matters no matter how good they are or aren't now. You mention hoping maybe they'll get a scholarship. Don't. Think about how you'll pay for college. If a scholarship comes along later it's a bonus. Don't get in the way of their enjoyment of a sport. Don't push them into one for your own ends. If you wife wants to cheer for everything they do let her. She should get to enjoy the sports they do in her way just as you should get to do it your way. Make the most of their sport lives NOW. There's no way to know what they'll want to do a few years down the road but they'll be more likely to stay with sports if they enjoy them.

Top notch advice.

OP here on different device.

I appreciate the feedback from everyone. We’re definitely not the over the top parents trying to live through our kids, at least I don’t think so.

I agree with whoever said that they need to love the sport/process of preparing.

I guess what it really boils down to is I want them be successful people at whatever they do. And that will require hard work and grinding through the process.

I do disagree with allowing my wife to cheer for everything and calling them a superstar. I think actions cause outcomes no matter the intentions. If you are a superstar at 6 for basically showing up and having some god given talent I’m not sure where that path leads mentally for the kid. Where’s the motivation to get better?

Let mom handle the sensitivity and you keep them supported

I've seen sprinters putting their young kids through basic cadence drills.

I think most of "talent" is subtle learned behavior from early life, including moving fast.

Start them early in team sports such as soccer, basketball or even ice hockey. When it comes to running, they can choose to focus on that by their teem years but it's totally unnecessary and even counterproductive in instances to start them early in distance running.

Looks like we found our General Humblebrag.

Most people want to be good at doing things they like doing and that should be enough motive to get better. If a kid plays baseball he'll be able to tell if he goes 0 for 3 in a game or 3 for 3. He'll be motivated for the latter if the game matters to him.

But that's only part of the issue. You're setting yourself up as the authority on how to treat the kids in this area. You really aren't and shouldn't be thinking of allowing or not allowing your wife to cheer for everything and she shouldn't be thinking of demanding that you be more like her. Her reactions are her business and yours are yours.

I pass along my kids’ perspective. Only one was an outlier athletically and now believes that a gifted athlete’s best path is light training, multi sport, till high school and teen physical development, for the reveal on the gifted athlete’s real skill set and interests, which can differ from the early emerging ones, The others were above average eager participants and never had any societal or team pressure to excel at nationals or states, nor could they have. They were valued non-star members of local or college teams, enjoying that role and still enjoy their sports and play socially. The gifted one stopped when too old for national competition. Never had any intent to raise champions, just eager participants, but that’s who one was. Same with their studies. Wanted all of them engaged, which they were, but results varied based on individual strengths.

Outside of my family, from high school, I know the back story on two of the very best distance runners in our state in the past half century. Both showed up for their first freshman cross country practices in their local school in different cities, in different years, never having run distance, or trained in any way, and both were able to run and chat for nearly an hour with the varsity, who brought the utterly untired kid from the freshman tryout on their workout minutes later to see what those kids limits were. Their limits were not found till an actual race, with times from the first races ahead of thousands of first race times over the decades. Those parents had no idea, nor did the kids, till they tried out of the team. Both were first generation distance runners. Lots of parents, coaches and runners pushed hard to have their child, best runner, or self match them. over four years. No one did, in state. They were the right kids and all other strategies and plans for all other kids in state were supplanted by two kids with incredible talent, plus drive, One became a top collegian. One didn’t. Fifty states, big country, and super talented people adjust differently when they reach a level where there’s 50 just like them in a national competition, Seems like something virtually impossible to strategize for or cause as a parent.

Even if your kid is the 1/1000 athlete in your area of 1000 born that year, with roughly 3 million U.S. kids born each year, that’s 1,500 boys who are 1/1000 and 1,500 girls who are 1/1000 every year. Leaving aside how many of the 999/1000 kids parents are deluded that their kid is the 1/1000 kid, even the one who truly is faces 1500 similarly situated boys or girls in their birth year alone. That’s a huge number of kids, far more than will ever play a sport for more than fun, camaraderie, or personal development. So, that’s my takeaway from seeing a great many lives unfold, both up close and nearby: let the kids develop as people playing a sport and their talent level/accomplishment will dictate the appropriate planning, not the reverse.

Slik Rik wrote:

Those of you that have done D1 things or been really close to D1 environments. How were your parents? Do you wish they were different looking back?

My credentials to answer this question: track (800m/1500m) scholarship to top 10 D1 NCAA XC program.

My genetics: Father D2 basketball. Both of my mother’s brothers: D1 tennis scholarships. My older cousin: D1 tennis scholarship. My younger cousins: D1 baseball and D1 volleyball. Of the 7 male cousins on my mother’s side, 4 out of 7 of us got D1 athletic scholarships.

“You can’t make chicken salad outta chicken s**t” as my Grandad used to say.

This is to echo the point made by several posters that nothing matters too much before puberty, ESPECIALLY for “athletic” sports like basketball, football, and ATHLETICS aka track. Skill sports like tennis are much different; if you’re not practicing by age 8-10, it’s already over. Be very realistic about what you’re working with.

The pathways:

Bball Father was naturally talented and tall, not dedicated. D2

D1 Tennis uncles: both serious from youth, with lots of parental support, but no pressure or striving. Both successful humans.

D1 tennis cousin: HUGE striving from parents. They paid for him to live and train at Bollittieri academy in FL (tens of thousands $$$). More expensive than paying for college. Did not finish college. Became a drug addict and convicted felon.

D1 baseball cousin: moderate pressure and striving from parents. Year round $$$ “youth sports industrial complex” baseball from young age for their two sons. Older son D1 ACC baseball and now a surgeon. Younger son zilch.

D1 volleyball cousin: no pressure or striving from parents. Just a tall, athletic beast. Now a Qanon follower.

Me: Father was an abusive drunk we fled when I was 9 and never saw again. Raised by single mother. No athletic pressure or striving, she was just trying to keep family above water. I wanted success BAD. Totally internally motivated and hungry as hell. Only played organized basketball starting 5th grade, but TONS of other pickup sports and outdoor activity. HS basketball until 10th grade, until it became obvious I was one of the best runners in my state and NOT one of the top basketball players. Quit basketball to concentrate on year round running.

My kids: Two boys, 10 and 8. I am echoing previous posters and having them play many different sports. Soccer, tennis, basketball, swimming. I am actively trying to not apply pressure or striving, though it is hard for me given my driven and competitive nature, probably a result of my own traumatic childhood. I want and expect them to excel, and freely admit I will be disappointed if they do not.

I give them tons of praise and affection, and sometimes wonder if it’s too much, as an overcompensation against my terrible father. You’re right, OP, parenting is hard!

Conclusion: Gjert Ingebrigtsen and Richard Williams are the exceptions. I agree with others here: the motivation should come from the athlete, not the parent. Expose the kids to many sports, and support their interests without being overbearing. Gravy if puberty treats us kindly. Sports are just one part of trying to develop good humans.

My daughter is a decent D1 gymnast. She has qualified as an individual to NCAA regionals 2 times and got kinda close to nationals, but no dice. She started when she was 2 and was training 9 hours a week by the time she was 6. If you're interested in certain sports your kids are already too old and have missed key early development.

Slik Rik wrote:

I'm not insisting on D1. I'm seeking the advice from people that have been there and done that. I'm more interested in the process/approach those people think their parents took.

I have a young daughter who is an exceptional soccer player. She's better than boys a years older than her (she's 6 and plays U8 boys and is always the best player on the field). I share your concerns and I'm always walking a fine line between keeping it fun, yet competitive enough so that she continues to grow. There is something that I do in addition to having her play up to her skill level: I watched a short documentary on soccer player Christen Press and they interviewed her parents and they said they would often have her work on something soccer related if she asked to something fun, example if she wanted to watch cartoons on TV they said she could if she did 5 minutes of juggling drills or if she wanted to go over to a friends house she needed to dribble the ball around some cones 10 times before she could go. Christen said it forced her to become good with the ball without having her dad or mom constantly yelling at or directly pushing her to achieve.

So now when my daughter wants to go on her ipad, I ask her to 5 minutes of "tick-tocks." She grabs the ball and she does it without it being an issue.

Put them in multiple sports, encourage, enjoy, and don't ruin the sport for them with your pressure. Most kids quit sports around 14. No reason to push for "champions" when they are young if it burns them out. Doesn't mean they can't compete in sports and work hard.

Don't play "up" and play in the appropriate age group. Studies have shown that is what works best.

Do you ever think about the alternative of not having this goal?

For the most part, these kinds of parents, form a pack and are hogs and bullies around, the sports leagues. They are always trying to jockey their kids onto stacked systems and get them the best positions, being the coach or being on the board is necessary. Worse they end up looking like obedient dogs and many quit the sport the parent is driven to by the time they are 13 or 14 like most the other kids do. Their dad will be the one to bully and cajole the kid onto the freshman team and start pushing from that day for the advancement of his kid. Some are smart enough to be embarrassed for their parents, those are the lucky ones, others just go through high school with this WTF happened

experience. The kids who came by their interest more organically are having more fun.

On this thread, you will hear all the ones that it worked for, or that think it worked. You won't hear a peep from the majority I am talking about.

You have a point, but I also think that the vast majority of situations aren't like this. The parents you describe (at least where I live) are more prominent in the lower level recreational leagues. They prioritize winning over everything else. Once they get to middle school age they realize that they aren't that great (maybe they should have practiced more fundamentals and not taken short cuts to winning). Most of the top teams/clubs are coached by professionals and there's no parent involvement. Overall the parents in these situations are pretty hands off. Not that what you describe doesn't happen. But I certainly don't think it's the be all end all.

coachy wrote:

Don't play "up" and play in the appropriate age group. Studies have shown that is what works best.

Initially thought the same thing, but what exactly is my 6 year old gaining by scoring 18 goals in 10 minutes against other 6 year old girls? "Have her work on passing the ball, play in goal, play defense." Tried that. She would score from the goal keeper position. With encouragement she tried hard to get her teammates involved but rarely were they good enough to do something with the pass. There was zero challenge. She had something silly like 90 goals in 7 games. So what would you suggest a parent do in this spot?

All the replies up until this very reply are from losers with kids who are going to hate them later on in life for making them mediocre at everything.

Sure. Don't push your kids. Be their friends. In other countries where they don't have this pussification of society, they are pushing their kids, and they're eating our lunch.

Your kids are going to lose out on scholarships to Nambian runners, Australian kickers, and Ukrainian tennis players.

You all caused this.

Put them in whatever the excellent schools are academically where you live, whether they’re public or private. The sports will follow. The best public schools tend to have the best sports teams. Look at the NXN team list year after year & tell me if you see any truly working class schools on there.

I attended chronically underachieving schools k-12 and when it came time for recruiting I could not manage to get the SAT I & II scores necessary to get in to any of the schools that LR would consider adequate. I also had terrible AP scores. Now that was my fault, but nobody else at my school passed either.

Bingo Is His Namo wrote:

coachy wrote:

Don't play "up" and play in the appropriate age group. Studies have shown that is what works best.

Initially thought the same thing, but what exactly is my 6 year old gaining by scoring 18 goals in 10 minutes against other 6 year old girls? "Have her work on passing the ball, play in goal, play defense." Tried that. She would score from the goal keeper position. With encouragement she tried hard to get her teammates involved but rarely were they good enough to do something with the pass. There was zero challenge. She had something silly like 90 goals in 7 games. So what would you suggest a parent do in this spot?

And there was this: the first time she encountered a player (a 7 year old girl) who was her equal in terms of speed and aggression and it required more than just pushing the ball around her to free up space to score, she had an on-field meltdown. She was so used to thoroughly dominating that the first time it became hard, she didn't know how to handle it. Unless she is challenged, how does she learn?

LOL

The parent that thinks their kids are future superstars.