USATF to Start its Own Consulting Business
April 1, 2003

United State Track and Field (USATF) in a major development announced yesterday it was starting its own consulting business to be known as United States Track and Field Consulting Business (USATFCB).

"This like everyday at USATF is a positive one.  But today announcement is really more important than yesterday's", said USATF CEO Craig Masback.

Masback, a former lawyer for the Dallas Cowboys', Leon Lett, said that providing advice to law firms advice on how to get clients off of positive drug tests was going to be one of the major areas of expertise for the new entity. "Now that the US Anti-Doping Agency (USADA) has taken over drug control matters from us, we have a lot of unutilized legal talent that can be used in the new business. Out motto is, 'Pay us enough and we'll get rid of your drug problems,'" said Masback.  

The new consulting business is most likely going to solve USATF's long-standing revenue problems.  Track and field won't be a poor sport any longer.  

"We've learned first-hand that "beating the drug testers" is a very lucrative business to be in as we racked up huge legal bills ourselves trying to get people off positive drug tests.  Our hope is that some of the rich professional leagues like the NFL and MLB come under the auspices of USADA as we've proven time and again that we can beat their system if we devote enough money and resources," said Masback. "It's going to be great because instead of draining our limited financial resources trying to beat the drug testing system, we'll still get to do what we're best at but we'll actually be raising money that eventually can be used to promote track and field."

Organizational management and structure is another area of expertise for the new consulting wing of USATF. "Streamlined organizations are a thing of the past.  We're experts at having many obscure committees that the public knows little about and then issue decisions that often surprise athletes."  The United States Congress apparently agrees as it has hired USATFCB to overhaul the organizational structure of the United State Olympic Committee.

"We were worried about the calls in the press to streamline the USOC's organizational structure, so we hired USATFCB to do the job.  Gridlock is very underrated.  Our founding fathers intentionally put it into the US Constitution with its system of checks and balances so we want to expand this to the USOC and later on hopefully to corporate America. If you disagree with me, you're un-American and against the war in Iraq" said an unidentified Senator.

And of course USATFCB will do a lot of consulting in the communications sector. "Our motto is 'Any news is good news'. And never forget the importance of the obscure press coverage.  Major newspaper coverage is way overrated" said a USATF insider.