St. Paddy's Day jokes

Two Irish men walk out of a bar.

Hey, it could happen.

What is green, a mile long and has an IQ of 80?

St. Paddy's Day Parade.

What's Irish and stays outside?...

Paddy O'Furniture :)

i <3 st. pattys day

jo ho wrote:

What is green, a mile long and has an IQ of 80?

St. Paddy's Day Parade.

York High School?

Why are there only 239 beans in Irish chili?

If there was one more, it would be "too farty"!

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

The Two Gay Irishmen

(Stevens/Grenga/Johnson/Lawry)

Red Peters with the Smokin' Cockneys

The whole clan met at Galway Bay

where seamen push up stools

they were giggling like the Coleens

and playing pocket pool

they washed their balls in stout that night

and bid their last good-byes

"We're off to kiss the Blarney Stone,

so zipper up your flys!"

CHORUS

Well fudge your undies laddies

you're on you're way to Blarney

with Gerald Fitzpatrick

and Patrick Fitzgerald

the two gay Irishmen!

"Well grab your bags!" cried Pat Magroin

it's time to pick your seat.

While Paddy O'Furniture grabbed the wheel

Dick Burns turned up the heat

they fiddled and diddled all full of malarky

their trousers felt a lump

so the Bulgers grabbed their Johnsons

and gave them all a pump

CHORUS

Well fudge your undies laddies

you're on you're way to Blarney

with Gerald Fitzpatrick

and Patrick Fitzgerald

the two gay Irishmen!

(instrumental break)

Well Peter Hickey, Rick O'Shea

Neal Downe and Phillip McCann

Dick Long pulled out his shillelagh

and with it lead the band

Phil McCracken started snackin'

on leprechaun-on-the cob

the bus began to rumble

and heads began to bob.

(instrumental break)

And so they kissed the Blarney Stone

and grabbed the gift of gab

Connie Lingus snapped their portrait

in front of that mossy slab

all they had on were the smiles on their faces

a grinnin' from ear to ear

from left to right

I'll call out their names

I'll tell you who was there...

Well fudge your undies laddies

you're on the way to Blarney

with...

Pat Magroin

Paddy O'Furniture

Dick Long

the Bulgers, the Johnsons

Peter Hickey

Rick O'Shea

Neal Downe

Phillip McCann

Dick Burns

Phil McCracken

Michael Fitzpeter

Peter Fitzmichael

Maurice Fitzhenry

Henry Fitzmaurice

and...

Gerald Fitzpatrick

and Patrick Fitzgerald

the two gay Irishmen!

the two gay Irishmen!

the two gay Irishmen!

Jokes should make one laugh, DAGO .

Paddy O'Brian is on his way to court and he is running late. He's driving around the block and goes two or three times and he is just afraid he going to be late so he looks up to the heavens and says Lard, If ya can be sa kind as to find me a parkin spot I will attend ya mass every sunday and I will for good give up me irish whiskey.

Just then a spot appears and Paddy splips right in, looks up to the heavens and says never mind lard I found one meself.

Thanks to all of you who help with this bump to get ready for the weekend.

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

'It was in honour of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled.

'I gave you a sham rock.'

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.  The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.  He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.   He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

     "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

     "The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."  

What's white, stupid and never been to Ireland?

Your average St 'Paddys' Day reveler in the US.

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

What's the difference between MLK Day and St. Patty's day?

- On St. Patty's day, everyone wants to be Irish!

The whole country is a joke. Where do I begin...