uber wrote
Ok. I had been thinking that I should try to get people back on track for the purpose of the thread, though I get how it is more fun to critique me. Anyone trying to convince me that the coach is not in the wrong is truly wasting their time because I know how much experience you have in this situation and I know what I know.
That said, your post, lub, is truly a work of art - awesome! I mean it. You were very thoughtful, wrote your post exceptionally well, provided a great personal anecdote… and, surprisingly to me, it was enough to make me reconsider once again (for the millionth time) the occurrences and how I / we've handled it. Good job with that post, and thank you again for the thoughtfulness of it. Finally, I like your hardass Mom style.. that's cool. :)
Please see my above reply to Why??? on why/how I didn't think that asking for the schedule was that big of a deal. Yes, a misstep on my part (given the coach's response). If I could do it again, I wouldn't have done that (obviously). But, I still don't understand how a coach getting a question from a parent makes it alright for the coach to take whatever issues he has out on an athlete.
A Nitpicky critique of your post… Your football analogy doesn't do much for me. At least where I live, football is king and all other programs our way behind. The football team has ~40 guys and 6-8 coaches. The head coach actually gets paid pretty well, and if he even teaches 1 class, I know it is not much. I am sure all the assistants get paid a lot more than the xc and track coaches. These guys know football at least as well as most parents, the expectations for development and winning are high, and I am sure they get feedback (both amongst themselves and others). They're held accountable. That said, I bet if the head coach went to the same high school and had an ongoing relationship with Drew Brees, and if Drew's son was on the team, he probably wouldn't flip out if Drew asked what activities the workouts were comprised of. What do you think?
One thing that your post has made me think about is that I am (why, I am not totally sure… it feels innate) more protective of my wife and daughter(s) than I am of my sons. My wife and daughter are very capable and spirited, no doubt. But, if there were some dangerous situation, my first instinct would be to protect them (and I would likely be expecting my sons to help in defending). How that applies to this situation is that I would be more likely to tell my sons to suck it up. When it's my daughter, though, we know the mean words have more impact, it makes my wife upset, and then it is certainly an issue for me, too. So, there is something there that is not totally consistent to think about.
Thanks again for the post.
I'm glad you are protective of your wife and daughter, that should be your #1 priority as a husband and a dad, I am the same. Mom doesn't need to go "nuclear" as much as she probably wants to, and you need to protect everyone from that happening. It took me a long time as a father to understand that the wise ass, off the cuff remarks I made to my sons weren't taken by my daughter in the same loving and joking manner I intended - she got her feelings hurt as my wife educated me. Girls are different, mine is pretty think skinned, but I had to change my parenting some with her. I really don't know how coaches put up with them.
By what I have read I suspect your coach probably isn't very good. Apparently he doesn't relate to the girls very well. But its part of your job as a parent to help your daughter deal with this, not to undermine or try to change the coaching situation. She has a lot of life ahead of her, dealing with college instructors she doesn't like, bosses or co-workers she doesn't like, etc. Instead of coping with it by laughing at his expense or at his perceived lack of knowledge, she needs to learn to work through it and make the best of it - to still improve and excel along the way and with a good attitude.
Trying to fight this battle for her is why myself and others have used the helicopter term. Almost every parent has the best intention when they do this, protecting their child. The problem is most don't realize their child doesn't need this protection, save it for when it really matters like - life safety issues. At this stage in her life she would be best served by learning to make the best out of a bad situation.
I can assure you no one is closer to a top notch high school football program than myself. My kids are at one of the most recognizable football programs in the country, sons played in it and one is still playing in college. Over 200 kids from 9-12 and more coaches than you can imagine. I served years as a booster club officer and president raising huge amounts of funds. Head Coach and some assistants are VERY good friends. I can't imagine EVER asking any of them about training plans or coaching philosophy. We have MANY former college and pro players who bring their kids to our HS Football program. I can assure you every time one has "crossed the line" by interjecting too much, the coach has quickly let them know they can stay or they can go, but he isn't discussing philosophies with them. I've seen some unhappy former All-Pro football players, but I've seen more that sit back, keep quiet, and let their kid work it out with the coach.
Schedules are one thing, training is another. If you are asking about "schedules" in terms of we start at 4pm and will be finished at 5:30, that's completely reasonable. If you are asking about "schedules" wanting to know kind of training or workouts they are doing on any day, patterns of hard vs easy days, workout descriptions the week of a meet, etc - I think you crossed the line.
I can tell you are sincere in both your concern for your daughter, and your criticism of the coach. I would try really hard to bury the hatchet and take the high road. Try to be positive around your daughter when talking about him, don't drop any snide or negative comments when she is around.
Good luck, I hope things get better.