protecting daughter from coaches prior to the state meet

It was the week of the biggest race of the year. It was not XC. She had already run 10 seconds faster than his goal time for her at the most important meet of the year. Thanks for the post.

welp... wrote:

12 years a coach wrote:

I can count the number of male athletes I've coached that have had their parents contact me because they believed me to be playing favorites on 0 hands.

It would take more than 2 hands to count how many female athletes I've coached that have had their parents contact me because they believe I am playing favorites.

^^This

Adolescent girls tend to read into stuff too much and pretend some things aren't their fault.

Guys just like to have fun. As a result they often don't do as well as they could, but they don't look at the coach and read into his/her actions.

I know a baseball coach and a soccer coach who get lots calls asking why their daughters have been cut, as if the coach had a personal agenda against them.

If the OP hasn't noticed, pubescent girls can get upset by the tiniest little thing and easily misinterpret comments or actions. Has this happened in other areas of her life?

You suggest the coach is an ass but maybe he ought to look at yourself to see if you are being overprotective.

If you do speak to the coach, talk to him about how your daughter feels, don't make it about you. Ask whether he is willing to talk to her to understand why she feels he is treating her badly.

If he's not willing to do that he definitely is an a-hole and you should go talk to the AD or Principal.

Or just ignore this suggestion just like you have every other sensible comment in this thread.

Typical Letsrunner wrote:

It was the week of the biggest race of the year. It was not XC. She had already run 10 seconds faster than his goal time for her at the most important meet of the year.

Guys, look! Multiple names!

Anyways, I one of the reasons you don't like the coach. Cool.

I have so many questions: Why is your daughter so special? Didn't the ENTIRE team do the same practices she did? Are you in Australia? Most everyone has XC this time of year...

You say it was the biggest meet of the year. Are there more meets after this one, or was it a rivalry or something?

Yes, I understand that not everything goes as hoped for. This is not that. That said, thanks for the solid advice / suggestions. We are concerned about speaking to them because we believe it will exacerbate things further. Your recommendation stipulates that we are working with a reasonable person. I may be a touch overprotective in some ways compared to some parents/children and I know I am much less protective in other ways. Should all kids be parented the same way? We have multiple children, and even among that small sample, we don't parent them the same. Generally, I view the parenting role to extend until they move out to college (and even then, we'll still stay supportive, but I would never even consider taking any sort of action with a collegiate coach or professor). I know she is growing up a lot - there is good that comes from hard times - and I think within a year or so, the coach's comments/actions won't have any impact whatsoever.

I wrote a lot in response to all the sensible comments, but I am not able to post them for some reason. I get an error message asking me to email letsrun with some code. It is frustrating for me, and you're right... I shouldn't spend any time on the nonsense comments.

Wait, I just realized. You said they made the state meet. I forgot about that.

So the three hard days make sense. Sorry, man. And again, everyone else did the same practices. You really need to let the coach do his/her job and get off your daughter's back.

anothercoach wrote:

How do we know you are not the overbearing parent who doesn't trust the coach because you were faster than him in high school and your daughter conveys the same sentiment?

You can't know. And, I would even go so far to say that based on what I've seen over the last couple of years (has nothing to do with how we competed in HS, unless it is some issue for him), we DON'T trust the coach.

Yes, sounds similar... your sister's situation very well may have been worse! Thanks for your post and advice, I appreciate it a lot.

truth detector wrote:

This is an easy one. Sit down with the coach and tell them

"as you know my daughter has parents that are bat shit crazy, and we would like our daughter to not be surrounded by normal people because she has grown accustomed to being around our craziness her entire life"

Problem solved.

Ha ha - I like it!

sdvmowJHB wrote:

As someone suggested get the other girls to train with her that week.

When I was in HS several decades ago, some of the kids who trained with the individuals got to ride with them and cheer on race day. Why not fill up the car that is going? Even if it is a travel meet, I don't think the coaches can share her room so get a couple of the other girls to go.

Is there any chance the boys team will advance?

Can they all travel together?

Yes, this is great advice... will probably do just this. Thank you.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful response. I can tell that you've had a similar (if not worse) experience, and I value your insights. I am sorry that you had to go through it, and even though I am sure it still would not be your preference to have to endure it, I trust that some good came of it. I am also glad your daughter is having an wonderful experience (like I had).

You really offered great things to consider, and it is affirming that you understand where we are coming from. It is sad that schools have the system in place to squash any dissent (short of getting the police involved for illegalities) and are well practice at stacking the deck against individual students. Thanks again.

HRE wrote:

It's really very difficult to work out problems with another person without actually talking with that person. If I thought my kids were in a bad situation in regards to another person I'd talk with the person I thought was putting them in that situation. If they thought I was a difficult parent, so what?

I will add that there are ways of talking with people that are more inflammatory and those that are less so.

At any rate, I think you'd be justified in insisting that she not travel to the meet alone with her coach and that you and/or your wife need to be along for the trip. You can't really control what goes on at practices particularly if you don't want to talk with the coach.

As always, HRE, you bring great sense to the discussion. I hope all is well for you. Thanks!!

wow... wrote:

OP? All these replies, yet you refuse to tell us anything specific about what you are upset about.

I'm just beginning to think you don't like these coaches because they aren't you.

Yes, it sucks that I can't be more explicit. Running circles are small... I have already been toeing that line already.

As for the part about not liking the coaches because they're not me... Nah, I would be cool with a coach that just didn't suck. I would even be fine with a coach that didn't actively try to get in the way. I am much better than that.

Spot on... thanks. I will only add that our state doesn't allow free choice of public schools. Going to another school would require us to move. We are not quite there, but I wouldn't put it outside the realm of possibility. A nearby school has a great coach and program.

You seem to be ignoring those explaining why the coach had them run such practices/why he acts the way he did.

I feel sorry for you.

Mistake to sweep under rug wrote:

Ignoring the problem ensures that it festers and grows, not only for your daughter, but other present and future students in the program.

The bottom line, your daughter is YOUR daughter, not the daughter of the coach, and she does NOT belong to the school.

I agree with her getting the other girls on the team together, and with you talking with the other parents of the girls, of course seeking out those who are aware of the issue and receptive to protecting their girls from abuse.

Yeah - maybe. My wife would totally agree with you. She is ready to go nuclear. But there is a reason "victims" and whistleblowers don't like to come forward - they get blamed by the more powerful groups. So, I don't know that I am ready for that fight yet. Though the people responding on this thread have no power, you can totally see the angle the coaches and administration would likely take. Our option seems to be to embrace the suck or not run. Neither of those options are palatable at this point.

Lemmefindout wrote:

So let me get this straight. You are upset that the coach doesn't interact with your daughter, so you want him to not interact with your daughter?

We are fine with no interaction. In fact, that would be great! I don't think the coaches would go along with it, though. And, there is value in being able to run at the better meets. It is the negative interaction that we don't like.

Yep. That is a better synopsis than I have provided. Thanks for your understanding.

I wish there was an answer to this, because I could use it too. Our coach has never said one positive thing to my kid all season, despite the fact that she is the top performer. He yells at her for not trying hard enough, for going out too fast, going out too slow, whatever. He has never congratulated her on a win or PR, has never given her even one tip or strategic plan--not a pace to try to hit, nothing. The only xc race in which she didn't come in first for her team, he was all over the teammate who beat her. He praised that girl, fawned over her for ten minutes, and gave her all kinds of advice about how to do it again.

When daughter told him about an injury that required 2 weeks off as per the doctor, he ignored her completely from then on. Later, after she successfully worked her butt off to get back in shape and stay #1, one day her legs felt like lead and her workout was not going well. Coach got mad and said it was all in her head. He has also yelled at the team for letting the younger girls beat the juniors and seniors, which of course makes the older girls have warm fuzzy feelings toward the girls who beat them, like my daughter.

He also likes to set up these bogus "time trials" in which the top varsity girls are made to run in a pack with the slower girls, yet they are told the outcome of the trial would determine varsity standing for the next meet. So if they went faster than the pack, they weren't team players and weren't obeying the coach. But if they stayed with the pack until the last 100 m. like he wanted, then they would basically be helping level the playing field for their competitors for the varsity spots, some of whom might be better sprinters, namely the fawned-over girl. Luckily, my kid held on to her spot, but the girl who had been second to her all year to that point couldn't finish in the top under those conditions.

I could go on. Is this abuse? No. But it feels bad to the kids.

uber - are you this way with your daughter's teachers or just coaches?