Read my new running novel online for FREE -- I ask only two favors....

I really enjoyed the story and wanted to thank you for giving us the opportunity to read and comment on it.

I had no problem with the Title IX passage (as a female as well), and I agree that Brooks’ thoughts were very fitting of his character, showing his stubbornness and reluctance to change.

The romantic subplot could have been toned down just a bit for me. I was surprised that Vince went straight over to Corey after the race rather than looking for Ryan first. I thought he should have waited to find her later and would have preferred that the character have been more concerned about his teammate first, but that may just be my personal preference of not representative of your overall audience.

I did like that it didn’t turn out to be an all happy and perfect ending, allowing the reader to experience different emotions at the end.

I would have liked a few more scenes of Vince and Ryan training together. It seems like we went from that first 10-mile run together to the indoor track workout with not much in between.

Spoiler

Overall liked the outline for the book from start to finish great work there.

I liked some of the foreshadowing but sometimes I was just blindsided by what would happen.

For example Vince gets blindsided with the illness of his coach, it seems like that same day he finds this out he becomes the coach (also self coached) and his girlfriend breaks up with him and he just takes it in stride?

Vince's comeback seemed way to linear for me he got better every race and never had a setback? I'd like to see at least some moment were his dedication to the comeback is tested with a step backwards and a renewed determination following.

One of the moments of the book I loved was after the 16X400 workout were the tension was too much and he blew up. I've done that on more than one occasion only to follow up with a heart to heart talk.

The last thing in the final race I really was hoping that when reading it I would be able to know what was happening every step of the way. I want to see what they see, hear what they hear, feel what they feel and know what they are thinking every step of the race. I understand the difficulty of juggling two runners thoughts while still letting us know what other runners are doing.

I'd like to know who he passed to win and why its significant were he is hurting and were he dug for that little extra to win. Instead of saying his experience told him to hold form say where that experience came from (out kicked when he lost form coach yelled at him after).

Give a few significant competitors who will be tough to beat to get top 3 (you have Lagat, Manzano, Lamong making it tough on Webb during his comeback). Also makes it easier for the reader to see who is moving and who isn't in the race.

Throw a few splits out as well final lap split, final 200, Ryan's final lap (maybe he ran a 51.3 that might be good enough to kick with Ngugi).

Since you were looking for other girls who read the book...I am a girl. I agree that the Title IX thing stuck out to me too (and seemed kind of out of place), but it didn't bother me past that page.

Ok I finished it the other day and wanted to think about it before posting. I enjoyed the book overall, but I thought that the ending was weak. It seemed very lame that Vince would win the trials and then decide to just give up his spot to Ryan. That is how not how someone should make an Olympic team. That is why there are the trials. Vince should have attempted to hit the A standard and if he missed then he could have opted not to go although it is my understanding as trials champ, he gets to go no matter what assuming he has the B?

The story held my attention. It was pretty good, but not great. I think you skimped on some details of racing and training. I would have liked to hear more about the pain of training during a workout or race. For example (during Vince's first xc race) you mention after the fact that he was breaking down during the 4th mile if i remember correctly, but all you really mentioned during the actual race was that he finished in 4th or 5th and ran his time of 26:12. You should have allowed the reader to understand what it means to race a grueling 8k race. What did he feel like? What was going through his head? Did he want to quit? Did he question his goals?

Thank you for posting the book for us to read. I am sorry if this came across as brash, I did really enjoy it. And as someone who hurt their achilles and hasn't ran much over the past 1.5 years, this made me want to get back out there and mix it up. Good luck and keep em coming.

gmatics, I only read the first three chapters and skimmed the rest of part 1. If I'd checked it out of the library, that's how far I would have gotten before putting it down.

I think that it's unclear that the thoughts on Title IX are Brook's thoughts and not yours. It stood out to me because it sounded like a narrative interjection rather than the thoughts of a character.

Here's the quote: "Brooks knew it was a crock, that such equality was inherently unachievable -- he was no chauvinist, but he was realist enough to know that women's sports would match or surpass men's in the public mind only when women could outrun, outjump, outscore and outmuscle men -- but he still had to live with the miserly doling out of scholarships that came with that territory.

This passage has you, the narrator, describing Brooks. Twice you say that Brooks knew something, and you describe that knowledge as coming from a basis of realism- that indicates to me that you're upholding his "knowledge" as factual rather than conjectural or subjective.

My complaint is not that the passage criticizes Title IX (Not that you care, but I don't think that Title IX is a good law the way it's currently framed. I think that football should be excluded from the criteria, while equivalent sports should have evenly matched scholarships.) My complaint while reading the passage, it sounded like you had a personal agenda that you couldn't resist mentioning.

My final thought is that you write like a male running fan. And that's fine, because I largely suspect that you'll have a readership of male runners. I don't know any non-runners who've read OAR (at least not without a recommendation from a runner). But at this level of writing, I'd rather read the training journal of a real runner, especially if it excludes all the romance silliness.

I enjoyed the story. I am a pretty avid reader and read lots of novels during a week...and this one went fast and was enjoyable. I think a little more character development could occur as well as a chapter or 2 about the post-trials. Just a thought. I liked it and signed your petition.

I just finished reading your novel. The story kept me strung along and I thought it was an entertaining read. I would keep editing it further. I distinctly remember you writing almost identical information about Lasse Viren in two different parts of the book. Sometimes the language seemed a little too contrived. Simpler sentences with less metaphor and simile would make it an easier read.

Criticisms aside I think you are on to something with this story. In addition, I second what two of the previous posters had said about more workout scenes and changing to a not so linear progression in Vince's comeback. Maybe make Vince draw out his decision to let Ryan run in his spot for the Olympics a little longer. This might heighten the drama a little bit.

I just finished part II and have started part III.

Corey is such a bitch. First of all, she's a runner, but she can't understand running? WTF? Her reaction to him talking to brooks during their date is ridiculous and unrealistic. She goes out on the town that night and immediately replaces Vince?

I understand they'll get back together, of course, but come on. Stand up for your (and our) manhood. The part where he was apologizing profusely for doing nothing was kind of sickening ("I'm worthless, I'm scum, I'm a poor excuse for a human being, etc, etc."). Give the guy a victory some where in there. Corey is a plain-jane school teacher bitch. He treats her so nice, but leaves him on such a whim. I hate that ho. All the dude wants is to fulfill his running dream.

Sorry, I get worked up about it. It bothers me.

Okay - I kept seeing this thread but on the board but it looked to boring to open. Finally read it and this writer dude gets such good reviews that I might try the novel.

Vince's relationship could be a series of NRR threads. Maybe that makes it realistic to some people, but really, you want to read about the average LRer? I bet I can find all of these threads, or something very close.

"Really hot new neighbor- how do I ask her out?"

"Struck out with hot chick- how do I change a bad first impression?"

"I'm 40 lbs overweight- should I race a woman?"

"My girlfriend doesn't understand my dedication to running"

"I'm a doormat when I'm around a woman I like"

"My ex-girlfriend is an oversensitive drama queen"

"I took advantage of my ex-girlfriend's neediness to get back together with her"

Yeah, I'm going to repeat what I said before about masturbatory fantasies. Wow, first you make the only real female character a self-centered over-sensitive bitch, and then you make her come submissively crawling back to the main character (after showing her turn down sex with other men). It's just an echo of the most common and stereotypical letsrun advice threads.

Ok, I'm making fun of you and I'm kind of apologetic, but considering this romance takes up probably a third of the book, I don't see what these two people have to offer one another in any way besides sexual. Mutual neediness and desperation isn't a real good commonality.

I think you're going in the right direction and have talent. The story pulls you along, and the dialogue is natural. That's hard to do and you're good at it.

Here are some suggestions:

- There are some things that didn't ring true to me. (I realize some of them help move the plot or reveal things to the reader.) Examples: Vince would never get in the way of a workout going on (his jogging in lane one); there's no way I buy that Ryan wouldn't have heard of Vince before; and Vince running Ryan to the point of puking.

- The Corey character needs work. She isn't believable to me at all - her giving in to someone stalking her, daydreaming at length over her body, wearing perfume to the track, being a psycho twit about the phone call, being so needy yet not crawling back earlier. You need to de-idiotize her a bit I think.

- Maybe beef up the description of some of the races and tone down the sex scenes. That double date scene is way over the line.

- Not sure how happy a publisher would be that you're distributing it for free to a large number of potential buyers? Their existence depends on selling books, not giving them away. Just a thunk, I don't know. For all I know they'll be all over your petition. You're following your gut and that is cool. Good luck to you.

I'll throw in my 2 cents. Actually, more like 8 cents, but I think only one of those cents actually matters, and that's the first one.

1) The book isn't near publishable quality. Not near it. I'm sure I'll get flamed for this and dubbed a liar - that's fine - but I've been editing fiction long enough to say this with confidence: the book needs a thorough reworking.

2) It does have potential. Taking a page from Stephen King's On Writing, I'll go ahead and say you have a nice little fossil here. In some places, you uncover your fossil well; in others, you use a sledgehammer when all you need is a damn toothbrush.

3) As some other posters alluded to, I think the main reason it held my attention at all is because it's about running. Like the one guy said, if it was about swimming or something, there's no way I get through it.

4) You're trying to straddle literary fiction and...something else. Something more commercial, maybe? I'm not sure. It makes for an odd blend of things, though. Pick your path, and then stick with it.

If I'm an agent and I get to: "Hence, the problems between them.", I'm already thinking about trashing the manuscript. If I do decide to keep reading, I come upon this odd little bit a few sentences later: "Last night's phone call had bordered on the surreal."

Bam. You're done before your foot is in the door. And that's just from taking a glance at the first page.

I'm not trying to discourage you here, because ultimately you're doing what you should be. And that's writing what you want to write, how you want to write it.

But you aren't there yet. Keep at it.

Agreed...it needs a LOT of work on the actual writing side of things so its not a pretentious story about a runner thats TRYING to sound well written...it needs to be nuanced and flow naturally...at times the language and usage is entirely frustrating to anyone with a writing background

I also had trouble even passing the first few pages just because some of the writing was so needlessly wordy and convoluted and amateurish

"I also had trouble even passing the first few pages just because some of the writing was so needlessly wordy and convoluted and amateurish"

That's true of those pages, though wouldn't you say it improved quite a bit after the prologue?

I thoroughly enjoyed it. Nothing is ever perfect,and you'll never please everyone.I thought the ending was outstanding and unexpected. Personal demons exorcised and no need to keep competing, the realization that he was ready to move on, with no regrets. I hate to admit that I enjoyed the romance angle. Good job!

Before John L. Parker wrote "Again to Carthage" the sequel, he wrote "Again to Carthage" the essay. I came across it a few years ago, after I had begun work on CBCU, and there was a passage in there that struck me at the time as a great epigram because it fits Vince's situation so well.

I had forgotten about it, but I stumbled on it again the other day and added it to the book. (Incidentally, I PDF'd the whole thing into one file and it's on my home page now, just in case anyone doesn't want to go to three separate links.)

Here's the passage, modified to remove two "he/she" references (I hope this doesn't offend my friend yetanotherchick too badly):

"As a cultural phenomenon, the growing interest in coming back...will all be dealt with in due time....

"True comebacks -- the kind that feature a veteran champion who has been dormant for a reasonable period -- are not really supposed to succeed, and that is why the whole idea fills us with a bittersweet romanticism. In the back of our minds we hold onto the disclaimer: aw, he really is too old. Isn't he?"

atrrunner wrote:

I do think you could be more precise by trimming a little.

For example: "Hence, the problems between them."

Agreed. If you delete that sentence, the third paragraph of the prologue sounds much better.

hey gmatics, you say you are working on a sequel. when do you think that will be complete. i think it would be very interesting to have vince as a coach in the next novel

When will the ebonics version be printed?