protecting daughter from coaches prior to the state meet

The fact that the title of this thread says "Protecting daughter from coaches" makes you think there is something sexual going on. However the OP tells us it isn't that. I think you need to back off and let your daughter have this learning experience, that you aren't always going to get along with others but you need to make the best of the situation. Don't make this a trend where you jump in to save your little girl from unpleasant situations. If she's not in any danger, then back off. I've raised 5 kids (2 of them girls) and sometimes you need to let them work things out on their own.

LuvRuths wrote:

The fact that the title of this thread says "Protecting daughter from coaches" makes you think there is something sexual going on. However the OP tells us it isn't that. I think you need to back off and let your daughter have this learning experience, that you aren't always going to get along with others but you need to make the best of the situation. Don't make this a trend where you jump in to save your little girl from unpleasant situations. If she's not in any danger, then back off. I've raised 5 kids (2 of them girls) and sometimes you need to let them work things out on their own.

Sheez! Abuse doesn't have to be sexual to be wrong. And while I agree that, based on what the OP has posted, he seems a little whiny, there most certainly are a lot coaches who should be doing something else - especially at the high school level.

I'm a parent, and, while I try to be careful not to fight my children's battles for them, I also let them know that, if they're being wronged, I'm on their side. And you all are right. Sometimes people are wronged. It's not the parent's job to teach that the world is a cruel place. The parent should acknowledge it, help the child deal with it, but, should never teach the child to give in to it. Or give the child the impression that the parent is on the side of the world.

LuvRuths wrote:

The fact that the title of this thread says "Protecting daughter from coaches" makes you think there is something sexual going on.

That is not true.

My impression from the title is that the coaches are overbearing and abusive in verbal ways, i.e. pushing the young people around with their size and authority, and generally acting in a threatening manner. That is not the same thing as sexual abuse, but still very serious. I would not want any adult acting that way to my daughter.

It is sad that so many (coaches???) on this thread think such behavior around kids is okay, and that they can in turn berate the parents for being concerned.

My Impression wrote:

LuvRuths wrote:

The fact that the title of this thread says "Protecting daughter from coaches" makes you think there is something sexual going on.

That is not true.

My impression from the title is that the coaches are overbearing and abusive in verbal ways, i.e. pushing the young people around with their size and authority, and generally acting in a threatening manner. That is not the same thing as sexual abuse, but still very serious. I would not want any adult acting that way to my daughter.

It is sad that so many (coaches???) on this thread think such behavior around kids is okay, and that they can in turn berate the parents for being concerned.

Um, no one here has said that kind of behavior is okay. Your presumption that the coaches are bullies is complete speculation. If the OP had described a situation similar to what you just outlined above, I for one wouldn't hesitate to take his side and I doubt anyone else here, coach or not, would seriously defend an abusive coaching style.

Next time, try not pulling things out of your ass before you make a point.

not sure why I can't post

Sorry about that last post... I am getting some sort of weird error message. Can you not cut and paste responses anymore?

I coach in a state where I would say the majority of the coaches take a lot of time to learn about the sport. Even the coaches that have been at it for 30+ years still go to clinics and read the latest information available. They love the sport and care greatly about their athletes. Some of us take time out of work to hold a summer camp for our athletes to give them the opportunity to bond as a team and lay the groundwork for a successful season. We don't get paid for anything we do over the summer. Many of us are at it from the end of June until the end of November six days (sometimes 7 days per week) for a little over $2,000.

I'm sorry you've had a poor experience with your son but you don't speak for me or anyone else who posts here.

If you have team rules and you follow through on them you WILL have conflicts with parents. That's part of doing your job as an effective coach. I can think of a number of times where I could have avoided conflict by letting things go but those kind of decisions will negatively impact your team. I've never met a great coach that did not have issues now and then with parents and some of their athletes.

I had a kid who was an alternate a couple of years ago decide not to go to the meet because she was bitter about being an alternate when she clearly did not make the cut. She was removed as an alternate for the next meet and another girl was moved up. What followed was a battle that involved the principal and AD. I could have avoided that problem if I wanted to but then again I don't have alternates skipping out on support of their team anymore.

Some parents can be very irrational when it comes to their own children. You just have to accept that when you take the job and you have to make your decisions on what best benefits the team, and on fairness.

The coach is the only person that objectively works with their entire team each day. Parents and athletes do not have the complete picture. Someone has to make the hard choices. Who better than the coach? I don't consult parents when making decisions regarding my team's workouts, races, varsity squad cuts, etc. nor will I ever.

Dictator? Ok, call it what you want. At the end of the day my decisions regarding the team I coach are in concrete. Most of the kids believe it or not appreciate that.

Otter, are you saying that a coach friending all the team members on fb, and then complaining on fb that xc screws up her Saturdays is good coaching? No, it is not "abusive" by any stretch, but it is tacky, and, over time, comments like that day in and day out can get old.

You're probably a great coach. But, some coaches suck. Defending all coaches doesn't help your cred. I am not defending all parents... sometimes parents do suck. I have seen that first hand.

uber wrote:

Otter, are you saying that a coach friending all the team members on fb, and then complaining on fb that xc screws up her Saturdays is good coaching? No, it is not "abusive" by any stretch, but it is tacky, and, over time, comments like that day in and day out can get old.

You're probably a great coach. But, some coaches suck. Defending all coaches doesn't help your cred. I am not defending all parents... sometimes parents do suck. I have seen that first hand.

I think you should re-read my post. Distorting my posts doesn't help your cred.

Also, I was replying to Link's post.

Maybe Link and uber are the same person?

I guess I wasn't seeing where Link was speaking for you or anyone else. Apparently, you did and got pretty defensive about it. It's ok... take a deep breath and relax.

No, I am not Link... I have been trying to post a long response (to many) that I wrote in Word, but I am getting an error message. Any ideas?

I appreciate your experience, otter, but, I'm sure you know that the plural of anecdote is not data.

I played a number of sports growing up: hockey, basketball, baseball... I was pretty good at all of them and satisfied with my accomplishments. I knew, even at the time, where I stood in the pecking order. So believe me when I say that 1/3 of the coaches I had were incompetent, abusive or both. The culture of athletics guarantees a coach certain unquestionable powers. Too often that fact attracts to the profession people who crave mostly power. It's easy to find examples, even at the highest levels (cough cough Bobby Knight...).

Now, my self-reported experience is not data either, but I'd be willing to wager a fair sum that my experience is representative. Not all or even most coaches are bad, or, in it for the wrong reasons, but a fair sized minority are.

To take on the job of coaching fresh faced and ambitious youngsters is to take on the highest responsibility there is, because, when you do, you are exerting a potentially huge influence on humanity's future. That might sound over the top, but, I've always felt that it's true. It's how I get up and go to work driven to do my best every day We owe our children better than we ourselves received. At least I believe that. The world would be a much better place if everyone who teaches or coaches believed it to. Unfortunately, not everyone does.

Finally, I'd like to introduce myself: My name is Link and I've never had issues with parents while a coach, and, in nearly 25 years of teaching at a wide variety of levels, I've only had issues with parents twice. And in one of those cases, the parent was right and I was wrong. I learned from that, and, in the process became a more effective teacher. I value feedback from parents. I don't view them, or their children, my students or athletes, as adversaries. I don't anticipate that they will be. Maybe that's the difference.

I know this post might come off as self-aggrandizing. And, admittedly, it is a bit. My goal, though is not to make you think highly of my user name, though. I want more coaches to be like,I think,most coaches are, like, I'd wager, you are, Otter - like, I think, I am. Concerned principally with the well-being and development of their athletes.

Let's not shortchange that future by kidding ourselves, though, that all coaches are. They are not. And calling out the ones who aren't is to be faithful to a higher calling. And we shouldn't berate those whose motivation is exactly that.

Copy and paste it from your document. If to long, use two posts.

I meant too long. I hate when I do that.

uber wrote:I have been trying to post a long response (to many) that I wrote in Word, but I am getting an error message. Any ideas?

If you are using Windows try pasting into notepad, select all and copy from notepad, and then past into your response.

Thanks for the help, but I can't seem to shake this error message - Bummer! So, it looks like it will take me a little longer to reply to many of you (and I might cut down on some of the lengthier replies).

Link wrote:

Sheez! Abuse doesn't have to be sexual to be wrong.

Where in my post did I state otherwise? I said that the title of the thread makes one think there is something sexual from which she needs protecting. Did I ever state that other types of abuse are OK?

My Impression wrote:

LuvRuths wrote:

The fact that the title of this thread says "Protecting daughter from coaches" makes you think there is something sexual going on.

That is not true.

Yes it is true, maybe not for you but for some others of us. I thought that.