Oh, BTW, just for you retsinnab, I've finished my rebuttal article:
It comes as no surprise that as the 50th anniversary of Roger Bannister's historic four-minute mile approaches, an assortment of carneys, hucksters and fringe "historians" are coming out of sworn secrecy to announce they actually surpassed the milestone decades, and in some case, centuries ago. Among them: Jim Jones, L Ron Hubbard, Squeaky Fromme, Ann Heche, Ira Einhorn and Marshall Applewhite -- all coming out of seclusion from a secret encampment in Roswell, New Mexico.
As recently reported by the BBC, two enterprising old coots, Doug Bower and Dave Chorley, showed how they first measured perfect 400 meter track "circles" in a wheat field near Hampshire England, using only a stick, a piece of rope, and a flashlight to guide them, then completed four full "circles" on the course at night under the moonlight. The time: three minutes and fifty eights seconds - set back in 1947! They admitted, however, that if it weren't for the monetary inducements from the tabloids they'd have never accomplished the feat themselves.
Hoisting a pint for the cameras, and with a twinkle in his eyes, Chorley proclaimed, "Elizabethan amateur rules in the 1800s almost killed the sport of sub-four miling." Experts from fringe publications such as Runner's World concur, citing "prize structures and fan adulation in the 1700s would turn David Beckham green with envy."
Of the hundreds who've come forward so far this year, it still remains a mystery how or why these people have kept their secrets over the years? Some say this psychological phenomenon is a close cousin to the "Helsinki Syndrome." Other experts are suggesting that the hoopla of the 50th anniversary of Bannisters "supposed" record has caused suppressed memories to be released from bondage.
"Sanitariums are suffering with a caseload overflow of four minute milers," says Jonathan Altered of Newswhack. "Between you and me," McMurphy admitted, "she might have been fifteen, but when you get that little red beaver right up there in front of you, I don't think it's crazy at all, and I don't think you do either. No man alive could resist that, and that's why I ran the mile to begin with."
Raelian Starfleet Commander Brooks Johnson pleaded to be interviewed for this article--we politely declined, deferring to the wishes of his doctors. Recently released therapy transcripts have Johnson mumbling incoherently, "Flying 100s (space ships), time travel, kill whitey!"
Scientists have found no physiological barriers to prevent 18th century athletes from such performances. "I know of no reason why hard working farmers and cultists could not run under four minutes centuries ago," said world renown researcher Jim Beam.
Many other scientists support Beam's conclusion. Peter Smails, himself an Olympic Champion, a judge and an avid golfer said recently, "Farmers and laborers in the 1700s worked very hard and were very fit. Even today, this work ethic still prevails, and the small farms in Western Kansas produce dozens of four minute milers every year." The pig races at many Midwestern State Fairs often showcase 12 year olds in dungarees dipping under the magic barrier.
When asked what happens to the few farmers who fail and don't break four minutes, Smails chortled, "Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too."