Asking a fathers permission to marry his daughter, what should I get him?

Jagger wrote:

You obviously do not know many women, nor will you ever be happy. You look for the bad in everything.

FYI, the roots of marriage itself are offensive. Women were considered men's property. Things change.

I live a very happy life and I know lots of women. I hardly think this tradition is one of the great injustices in the world but I also don't see any reason for it to continue.

Perhaps my perspective has changed a lot since I am middle-aged and divorced. If I were to ever get married agin I can't see asking the Father of one the the sophisticated, intelligent (~40yr old) ladies I date for permission.

Sophisticated eh? You sure about Father with a capital F?

Mr. Obvious wrote:

I live a very happy life and I know lots of women. I hardly think this tradition is one of the great injustices in the world but I also don't see any reason for it to continue.

Perhaps my perspective has changed a lot since I am middle-aged and divorced. If I were to ever get married agin I can't see asking the Father of one the the sophisticated, intelligent (~40yr old) ladies I date for permission.

Coming from near the opposite end of the life-spectrum here (23 and single), i think it's a pretty important thing to do. not to ask permission, but to say you intend to marry his daughter and that you would appreciate his blessing. you're not buying the man's daughter, you are simply showing him that you respect and want to be a part of his family (which i think is a part of marriage that too often goes overlooked). no matter how "grown-up" a person is they are always somebody's son or daughter and i think respecting that fact is key.

Good relationship w/ the family? Sure. Respect for other people's role in her life? Absolutely. Asking permission as though anybody's consent is needed except the person you want to marry? Not so much.

Maybe it is just an age/life stage difference. Probably only about 1/2 the women I date even have fathers any more. Most of them have already been married once. Just seems very weird that I would seek anybody's blessing or permission.

It is an old fashion tradition that is a sign of respect and I plan to ask as well.

Some people did it on the phone, how far is too far to travel and ask? 1 hour, 3 hours, 6 hours? Parents I speak of are 3.5 hours, but they would be willing to meet half way if I asked. Any thoughts?

I undertand the tradition of asking but why in the he ll would you buy him a gift?

if you meet for lunch, then pick up the tab, but anything more than that is just weird.

just so I know wrote:

For those of you who feel that it is still important to ask the father's permission and give the rationale that it ensures friendlier relationships with the woman's family, would you also want the woman to ask her boyfriend's father for permission?

I actually think, despite your sarcasm, that an acceptable "21st-century" compromise would be for the girl to have a talk with the guy's MOTHER. (Clearly not the father, as she is replacing his mother as the woman in his life, like the guy is replacing the girl's father as the man). Neither "talk," as many have pointed out, should be a request for permission. But they should be respectful and honest declarations of love, and probably a request for a blessing.

That's my view, and I'm a college-aged, very liberal male.

Mr. Obvious wrote:

Good relationship w/ the family? Sure. Respect for other people's role in her life? Absolutely. Asking permission as though anybody's consent is needed except the person you want to marry? Not so much.

Maybe it is just an age/life stage difference. Probably only about 1/2 the women I date even have fathers any more. Most of them have already been married once. Just seems very weird that I would seek anybody's blessing or permission.

I see where you are coming from. I do not think it is necessary in all circumstances. I agree that it would be weird if you did this on your second marriage, or if you were, say, over the age of 35 - in our chronically infantile society.

Since so many people wait that long to get married, i guess it does seem a little overplayed.

If we are talking about two 20 year olds, it totally makes sense. Not the permission angle, but almost assurance from the groom that he will be providing for the daughter (I mean emotionally, don't get too riled up).

There aren't many dads out there that wouldn't respect this token of respect.

The only thing you need to bring with you is a kickass PowerPoint presentation. The rest will take care of itself.

Is so sweet that you are asking her dad's permission.

Bring him a box of liquor filled chocolates.

And let us know how it went.

Good luck.

Condoms? Lube? Vibrator? Kinky outfit?

If your girlfriend is young-ish (20s-maybe low 30s) and it's her first marriage, then I would assume she is still fairly close with her parents and it would definitely be the right thing to do to seek their blessing. It's just respectful, plainly and simply... Despite all the bitter/sarcastic/adolescent comments frequently posted on this forum, there's really nothing wrong with being a good guy sometimes. =) Her parents spent 20+ years investing themselves into her life and will care deeply about who she spends the rest of it with, so definitely have the conversation.

As far as a gift for her father... I don't know about that, probably just a decent lunch on your dime.

B L Z. wrote:

WHAT?? I have never know anyone nor would I even have suspected people still do this

what percentage still do this? 1%? 2% tops??

i don't know many guys who did not pay their respects to the parents first. but i come from the midwest. I also come from a large extended family that has only gone through one divorce that I can think of.

but good for you for being so progressive. after all, it certainly is a terrible idea to let your future in laws know that you care what they think.

by the way, I also talked to my parents beforehand. It's an old fashioned concept called "respect." (for the record, I'm 28, so this is not coming from an old guy)

Mr. Obvious wrote:

You obviously don't grasp that the basis for this "tradition" is that women were considered property and to get a woman to marry you, you had to arrange to buy her from her father. Yeah, it's changed a bit over the years but asking permission, or even blessing, is still based on the tradition that women are property. They aren't. The roots of the tradition are offensive.

God, I hope these women are very young, I can't imagine a grown woman (>25) being at all comfortable w/ this "tradition".

douche.

OP,

I did this. It meant a lot to the parents, to my fiance-now-wife, and to me. You do it for the same reasons that you get married rather than just living together.

Anyway, as to your question. I didn't bring them anything. I just went over to their house and we had a chat and it worked out great. I don't think bringing them gifts would have added anything to it.

But that's just my story. I was over at their house often and we were really comfortable with each other already.

If that's not the case for you and you feel like being more formal, I could see flowers for the mom, but I still couldn't really see a fitting gift for dad. I doubt he'd feel left out if his wife got flowers and he only got a son-in-law.

Good luck.

Christmas day: I gave my wife an engagement ring and I asked her to marry me, and she said "Have you asked my father", and I said no...

So my wife called her father up the stairs, and I said "SIr, I I wanted you to know that I have asked your daughter to marry me." And he said, "Well, son...That's very nice of you." I still guffaw to this day....

Just do it...

Is this some kind of a joke? You're taking the man's sorry daughter off his hands, and you ask what you should get him? He should be the one asking what he should get you.