How about the idea that your 16 year old and 18 year olds drinking is against the law. An adult providing it is against the law. My kid did it once and I called the cops on them. Hasn't happened since.
You said your kids hang out with a group of spoiled brats.....their parents probably are saying the same thing. Birds of a feather flock together. Grow a set and be a parent. It isn't to late, but you have certainly not made it easy on yourself.
My kids are really happy because I can afford a good life for them. Do you think it's important they're exposed to the bowels of human experience? I mean, some people are raped and tortured until they die. Isn't it wrong for my children to not be exposed to the harder parts of life?
Daughter has never stayed home on semester break. She always wants a travel-vacation while already on vaction.
She spent 2nd semester Jr. year abroad. While there at a very old U. she spent time in Paris, Amsterdam, Berne. She'll be graduating in '15 and wants grad school. That is going to be a no.
You called the cops on your kid for drinking once? LOL you must be a blast to hang around
Blow your brains out, that'll show 'em whose boss....
I couldn't agree more. With few exceptions my teammates who paid their own way were more focused. My father owned the house we lived in for a couple years. (I actually paid more in rent than anyone) But I collected the rent from everyone so it was obvious to me the glaring difference in the guys who wrote me a check or had one show up in the mail. Most of those guys had to work throughout the year and put in major hours during the summer. They were also the guys running the most amount of miles and crushing it in the classroom. (I have to exclude myself from the classroom)
Not to make this political, just something I observed, but with no exceptions throughout my circle of college friends... If mom and dad wrote the check they were liberal. If they had a job and paid their way they always held a conservative viewpoint. At the time the kids being taken care of just seemed to be sheltered, idealistic and had zero relationship with money. But overall too many people think they "deserve" something and I think raising kids and propping them up through young adulthood dulls the reality of what it takes to excel independently.
If I so much as hooked up with a girl in my dads car, he would've kicked my ass all over the damned neighborhood, me being butt naked.
that's why I hook up at the high jump mat
Could you at least tell us if your son's gf is hot ?
yeah, teenagers are idiots. i'm in my 30s now, and a parent myself, and i still remember acting pretty much like your kids. it must have been awful for my parents (who certainly didn't "spare the rod"). i was pretty much just a willful a-hole, and we had a terrible relationship during that time. thing is though, at some point near the end of college, i started to grow up. not to say it was smooth sailing from there on out, but i began to view my parents in a new light, and actively began to work to repair the damage. i think i basically just needed some space and time away from them, which college provided. now we have a good relationship, and they love being grandparents.
so, my view on this, if in fact your biggest concern is basically that they are breaking curfew, would be to do what you can do to make sure they don't get in real, life-altering trouble while they are still under your roof. in 10 or 20 years, they and you are not going to care if they broke curfew last friday night. they and you will care if they get arrested for something like drunk driving and their criminal record is screwing up their ability to get a job, or if your son doesn't use a condom and fathers a child with his gf. put another way, your goal at this point should be "harm reduction". i think its likely that your kids will grow up and get over this phase soon enough. maybe a few years, but soon enough. be a loving presence and do what you need to do to make sure that they keep doing "fairly well in school and have never been in serious trouble". try to keep the other stuff in perspective, and remember that teenagers are idiots.
Alright OP, here is some real advice. First of all, don't make your kids pay for their own college. Encourage and help them get as many scholarships as possible, but don't make them pay the whole way. You will be setting them up with a pile of debt that will take many years to pay off and hurt their financial health as an adult.
Next, make them pay for part of their life expenses while in college. My folks took care of tuition and rent, but I had to pay for books, food, entertainment, travel, gas, basically anything else beyond tuition and rent. They will have to get a part-time job at school and summer college job to make some cash for that. It will prepare them a bit for supporting themselves and understand how they can use their knowledge and skills to make some cash.
For son's summer job next summer, have him work with a conservation corps doing hard outdoor labor. He will learn what hard work really is. And probably be more focused on school so he doesn't have to be a laborer after college.
Gotta teach these kids some self-reliance and responsibility.
Also, my parents made depending on them financially and living with them so unenjoyable, that I was extra motivated to get off that couch and make my own way. I am not sure if they intended to do that, but it worked.
You have to give them an activity that makes them learns values.
Reading all these posts, I could only think that you should make them get a job and start paying for things themselves.
Do NOT, however, make them pay for college. You're probably going to end sending them to some big name private university. That's just unkind.
Also, strongly discourage the drinking. Yell at them if you want.
Time for some tough love. Suck it up and do your parental duties.
hulksmash wrote:Why do parents feel they're obligated to pay for their children's college education?
The simplest reason is because they love their kids. A more analytical reason is that parents have far more earning power than their children, so college tuition is effectively way cheaper for the parents to pay (a couple years worth of savings vs. two decades of paying off loans). There's nothing inherently bad about paying for your kids' college expenses, as long as you have kids who are utilizing that privilege to grow and learn.
Amanda Knox.
Pendelton wrote:
Daughter has never stayed home on semester break. She always wants a travel-vacation while already on vaction.
She spent 2nd semester Jr. year abroad. While there at a very old U. she spent time in Paris, Amsterdam, Berne. She'll be graduating in '15 and wants grad school. That is going to be a no.
Pendelton wrote:
Daughter has never stayed home on semester break. She always wants a travel-vacation while already on vaction.
She spent 2nd semester Jr. year abroad. While there at a very old U. she spent time in Paris, Amsterdam, Berne. She'll be graduating in '15 and wants grad school. That is going to be a no.
Why the heck would you pay for all that? If they want to go on some grand traveling vacation, make them pay for it.
Don't blame your pathetic kids. Look in the mirror and blame your pathetic self. You were to be the parent - not the friend (until they are like 35yo) You reap what you sew brother. NTFU!
Stumped Old Geezer wrote:
Don't get me wrong, I love em and they're not bad kids but I feel that giving them everything they wanted throughout childhood was a big mistake. They don't truly know what it means to work hard.
Either you've finally figured out the whole "parenting thing" much too late or you're a common garden-variety troll. In either case, may heaven help you.
Injury Master wrote:
hulksmash wrote:Why do parents feel they're obligated to pay for their children's college education?The simplest reason is because they love their kids. A more analytical reason is that parents have far more earning power than their children, so college tuition is effectively way cheaper for the parents to pay (a couple years worth of savings vs. two decades of paying off loans). There's nothing inherently bad about paying for your kids' college expenses, as long as you have kids who are utilizing that privilege to grow and learn.
Kids that excel at their studies will always have plenty of opportunities to socialize and let off steam. No one is being deprived in this scenario. Your analytics operate on flawed assumptions. If a student takes their college studies seriously, majors in degree with earning power such as engineering, math, science, accounting, then paying off the debt afterward isn't such a heavy lift. If a parent has the money to help, they can always step in and pay down large portions of the debt after the fact, when the education part is complete. Or step in and help pay for grad school. Loving your kid by sheltering them from the real world when they're 20 is a rationalization, and investing $100K in education while actively impairing that investment is foolish. People do it all the time because they're unable or unwilling to think critically about what they're doing. The OP is dealing with this and his kids are still in high school.
My wife and I have been disagreeing about forcing my son to get a job. He is an honor roll student and a varsity soccer player. My wife feels that he shouldn't have to work and should just focus on school, sports, friends etc. I will try to press the issue further.
In terms of college, we are definitely going to cover tuition, rent, and textbooks. After freshman year, we will probably have my daughter pay for her food and entertainment costs. We will see how that works and adjust accordingly when my son starts getting ready to leave. My daughter will be attending Tulane University and received a 5k per year leadership scholarship due to her involvement with student government in high school.
i noticed the opposite, actually. Most of the kids who had things handed to them on a silver platter were from either california or texas and were kids of rich financial people who were very financially top 1% and republican... The working class kids paying for college were sons of immigrants (often latino) and liberal