Should I call the POLICE on my family this Thanksgiving?

marijuologist, what you've described is almost identical to my situation, and you're 100% correct in saying there's a 0% chance of some sort of rehab working. People who don't know someone like our brothers don't understand.

Yeah, my brother has been stealing from me for years, or WAS when I lived at home. My parents told me it was MY fault for not locking it up better and never even mentioned it to my brother or reimbursed me. My dad gave him a job at times and would not fire him, no matter how crazy he got, until one day when he started threatening people in a safety meeting one day and was later hospitalized after being literally chased down by the police in town. He was back in our house literally a week later and everything was back to same ol same ol, doing drugs and being crazy. My mom has given him money pretty much whenever he asks for it, and I have reason to believe she gave him over $30k one year. This was at a time when he lived at home and had no expenses other than a cell phone.

I've tried talking to them about it, but it just doesn't work. They refuse to admit that they ever did anything wrong or that they're doing anything wrong now. I was severly depressed in HS, but things got better when I left for college. I still called every two weeks, but they always pissed me off, so I just stopped calling. My life has been SO much better since I stopped calling them or visiting outside of holidays. This will be the first holiday I put my foot down though.

"At 24, he is now a totaly worthless parasite and degenerate piece of shit who has absolutely no value whatsoever as a human being, and I have disowned him completely, forever." Again, spot on. People think I'm an asshole or heartless, but I can honestly say that if my brother killed himself, it'd be the single greatest thing he'd ever done for society. I'm not even going to try to defend that statement. I know it sounds extreme and terrible, but it's objectively true.

I'm not going to call the police. Again, I'm just gonna go, see all the friends I can, stop by my parents' house and grab my old TV, fridge, and a few odds and ends from my room and start the drive back here. I'm sure it will piss them off and they will blame ME for screwing up their Thanksgiving, but at least I won't have to listen to it!

With all the serious responses I'm tempted to post my "real" handle, but people would probably never look at me the same now. I appreciate all the replies.

this is awful wrote:

I don't agree that the kid became a meth head because of the parents. Bad things can happen to good people.

But it sure does appear that they are enabling the addict's behavior, which is something they have to stop.

There's no guarantees in the intervention biz - lots of failures. Accountability ultimately falls on the addict.

Uhm, do some research.

"Bad Things Happen To Good People," is more along getting in a car accident that wasn't your fault, dating a person who starts out nice and then turns out crazy due to some genetic or chemical disorder, or garden variety passage of life stuff.

Drug addiction is almost always multi-generational in families, as well as a way to self medicate emotional pain from a f***ed up family.

I think the dude has revealed enough to see that clearly his family is f***ed up.

It would take too much to write here to explain how the OP could come from the same family and not come out on drugs...but it is explainable by ton's of research.

No doubt research you would not understand.

Frankly, most of the assholes on this board clearly come from f***ed up families.

OP, you say "By 19, he was on meth, possibly other hard drugs but meth for sure"

Meth is one of the "hardest" drugs on the planet. It destroys everything in its path - really, it's the user and his addiction that destroys things.

As others have told you, until your parents or asshole brother decide they need and want help, there's not a damn thing you can do about it. I've been there, and I know...very similar situation with an older brother who put both of my parents into an early grave with his "disease"...he may now be dead too for all I know.

Walk away and don't look back. Best of luck to you.

See this every day...... wrote:

I'm a therapist and work with the indigent population in a large city, so I've seen this (and much worse) before. I'm going to give you the advice a therapist gives when not at work:

1. Stay away, make sure he doesn't have any of your contact info. Don't piss him off, make no contact with him whatsoever. Encourage your siblings to do the same.

2. Your parents are stupid for enabling him and deserve any harm they receive, they have what's coming to them. Survival of the fittest.

3. Anonymous calls to police or probation officer can be helpful, but could also backfire (if your brother has the slightest idea it may have been you).

Agree . . .

GET OUT! Distance yourself as much as possible. Your brother will be in and out of the criminal justice system for years.

Someone asked where he gets money for drugs . . . he steals. He steals from your parents and he will steal from you. He will burglarize peoples homes and rob innocents on the streets. I know because I represent these people everyday. I certainly know what they are capable of . . .

If Thanksgiving with family is mandatory - just take teh high road and ignore your brother. Be nice to your parents - let them know you love them and that your life is great. You are thankful for their support and love.

My older brother was on some form of dope (mainly pot) from age 15 to 31. He made life hell around our house for 3 years, went from straight A's in jr. high to HS drop out, and, much to my tearful mother's chagrin, my Father threw him out of the house the spring of his senior year.

My Dad warned him twice and out he went on strike three. He made attempts to straighten up, bounced around jobs and relationships, and toked his way out of one marriage and into child support payments. He has finally cleaned up, has a new wife, and 2 more kids.

Had it not been for my father refusing to allow my brother's weaknesses destroy the family he would likely be where your brother is now. We did several interventions. My brother was also smart enough and lucky enough to stay out of major trouble, stay employed, and not get into the hard drugs.

It is has been said before but do not ever forget -

YOUR BROTHER IS MESSED UP AND A DANGER TO YOUR FAMILY AND YOU.

I would consider getting a taser and carrying pepper spray to subdue the animal when he snaps. Don't end up like this family:

http://www.dispatch.com/live/content/local_news/stories/2009/04/13/hudson_fire_ohno_0413.ART_ART_04-13-09_B5_SGDHPQS.html

http://www.hudsonhubtimes.com/news/article/4717258

Meth head?

http://blog.cleveland.com/metro/2009/05/hudson_a_summit_county.html

Look at him in court now:

http://www.ohio.com/news/70666922.html

In any event he, like your brother is disturbed and dangerous.

I think you just answered your own question, and my advice to you is; STAY OUT OF IT COMPLETELY, this way you can never by accused of intervering or tearing the family apart, by any of your family members! Lots to be said for minding your own business and letting things play out as they were meant to...

For what its worth- my experience-

Someone very close to me, a mentor, someone very prominent and well respected in her field, became a drug addict in her 50s. I slowly wathced every aspect of her personality be taken over by it. By the end she had not only destroyed her own life and reputation, but those of people around her who tried to help her. As I have had experience in the past in dealing with drug addicts, I distanced myself from her (very painful) and advised others to as well. Those who did not and tried to help, were inexorably drawn into her web of destruction, until they left.

This was 5 years ago. When I heard she had improved somewhat i paid her a visit. She was essentially squatting in someones house, still drug addicted. She begged me for help. I walked away. Yes, it pained me terribly and still does. It was self preservation.

Sometimes, addicts can recover. Usually they dont. Statistically, interventions are rarely successful When addicts do recover, it usually has more to do with actions the addict has taken, not what some outside helper has done.

There is nothing you can do that would change your brother. The best thing you can do is accept that, warn others, and create your own family.

I don't really have any advice, just a statement.

I was 'raised' by an addict. I put raised in quotes because at age 8 I was the one taking care of my little brothers, getting them up in the morning and making sure that they got to school. I was the one who ran stuff when my father was working 70 hours weeks and my mother was , well, getting f***ed up.

I basically divorced myself from my mother at about 19. I have been lucky in that through running I was able to get a university education. I am in my 30s, have a wife, 2 kids, and a good job. I still run and loving doing so though I do not race mch anymore. But I always wonder what if. What if I had tried to 'save" my mother. Would I have succeeded? Likely not but, around holidays especially, there is a gaping hole. I don't have the ability to call my parents to ask for advice for my kids or to brag about them. I don't have a mother. I don't have a mother that I can trust to watch the kids. I do not get phone calls on my birthday. Realistically, I know that these pains are likely very small compared to what would have been if I had not made the choice that I made years ago. But, the fact that there is a gaping hole in my life is never easy to deal with, especially around holidays.

I you love your brother, call the police.

same ol jerk wrote:

I've talked to them before. I told them straight up I wasn't going to come home if he was there. They pretty much said "have a nice life then."

It sucks that your parents don't love you. Write them off and move on.

Your story reads pretty much just like Jeff Schirmer's.

http://www.flotrack.org/articles/view/1562-jeff-schirmer-kwik-e

Except he's still in school right now and he and his siblings were actually taken from their parents by the state.

It sucks you can't call on your mother the way you'd like to. But I gotta say, good f-ing job on making a good life for yourself! How anyone comes from that kind of situation and makes a good life is something that I do not understand, but have the utmost respect for. Lean on your siblings if you can, instead of your parents. And make damn sure that your kids won't have to go through the same shit you went through.

I do feel lucky and I have lived my life in as clean a way is possible because of my experiences. I don't drink or smoke, and I hardly touch caffeine or sugar even, just because I want to stay way from any sort of substance. My kids are healthy and happy and I am very proud of them.

I do feel lucky and I have lived my life in as clean a way is possible because of my experiences. I don't drink or smoke, and I hardly touch caffeine or sugar even, just because I want to stay way from any sort of substance. My kids are healthy and happy and I am very proud of them.

After reading that article to I feel that I should point out that both of my brothers are doing well also.

older wrote:

After reading that article to I feel that I should point out that both of my brothers are doing well also.

Well there you go. Now, not only did you pull yourself up, you helped your brothers. You want something to brag to your kids about? That's it man.

can't believe im the first guy to say this!!!

Walk in there at night with a 12 gauge and dust that scum! You could be the modern day punisher. sure there will be some grief from family etc... but in the long run its worth it. And it would be easy to make it seem as if it was some sort of drug feud

just my opinion, not everyone can be the hero i can.

denzel, over and out.

I feel your pain, as I have a similar situation, where at the age of 35 lost both my parents and 3 brothers and sisters through a family dispute with my father over a business transaction he decided he would make his own. I have since had a child, who they have never met and I am all to well aware of the void, especially come all the special seasonal and personal celebrations.

My father and I are both runners and for some strnage reason he was always extremely competitive with me, but not in a friendly way, more of our of envy?

Like Joel Olsteem says; sometimes this needs to happen for us to be able to grow and spread our wings with the real freedom we need to meet our destinies in life - hurts at times, but gotta look at the bigger picture as to why it happens

Cheers and Merry Xmas to you!

You did the right thing.

I waited until I was in my 40's to divorce my family, and wish I had done it at 18. People mostly do not change. People are either addicted to behaviors or substances, and only a few with the seeds of eventual intelligence, catch on and get help and get well.

Remember this in those moments where there is a gaping hole...that it is just a very small subset of your days left on earth -- and better that your wife and children never were exposed to the negatives of your mother and family.

Also... You need advice on raising kids? Why would you ask that mom? There are great books out there, sort for them, search or them, sift for them.

On your birthday, point your face to the sun, smile, and give yourself a great pat on the back for having the courage to break with truly unhealthy people and make the sacrifice to claim a healthy life your yourself, your wife, and your children.

--And, if you find yourself f***ing up in your relationship with either your wife or your kids - get a good therapist.

Your mother may have modeled some other bad habits for you.

You are doing the right thing by distancing yourself from that family. Continue to make your life for yourself. Do whatever you have to do to NEVER need them.

Here is some random but smart advice.

1. Stay away from them. Change your cell number, and your address at some point, and only allow them to have your email address. --You don't have to answer email.

They are all sick, and unless they all get therapy, lots of it, the likelyhood of change is slight.

The best indicator of future behavior, is past behavior.

2. I highly recommend you get an education in psychology. Either take some extra classes, or meet with someone in the psych dept. at your college and explain the situation, and that you want to get an appropriate education in addiction psychology and families with addiction present, so that you can intellectually prepared and shield yourself from any future sentimental (loyalty to sick family) impulses to be in contact with that family.

3. Prepare yourself emotionally and mentally to divorce them forever. Staying in the loop with them greatly reduces your chances of life success. For a variety of reason, but just trust that idea -- and go the other way -- as far away from them as you can.

4. Do whatever you have to do to build a great financial cushion for yourself. Work two jobs after college, while young, whatever. Plan to never need to ask your parents for a hand.

5. Consider, that as healthy as you sound and feel today, that you may have some behavioral blind spots that could rear their ugly heads and ruin your changes at a happy life, a healthy relationship, or playing well with others in career. Be prepared and willing to get educated yourself on healthy communication, healthy relationship selection, behavior, emotional regulation...etc. etc. etc.

Do not ride the pine and think you are a-okay just by getting away. One does not learn the habits of a healthy emotional life in that kind of environment.

Divorce them, and make yourself a new hobby in learning how families get that screwed up, what it does to offspring, and what are your risks for screwing up your life. (Example: you may not have gotten drug addiction, but you may have some issues in relationships - the symptom of family disease, may show up in a different area for you.)

Be wise. And good luck.

I hope things worked to sanely and peacefully for you today.