Allow me to say it is always a highlight of my day to see CG post. Not because it's always good news (most of the time it isn't) but because he has allowed us a small and brief glimpse into his life and what he is dealing with.
I am going to do HRE one better and say that IF things go as badly for CG as he has predicted, I'd like to see the "black page" for him!
I think I speak for everyone on LRC when I say that I wish nothing but the best for you and your wife (and kids). Stay strong!
MeHereYouWhere?! wrote:
Allow me to say it is always a highlight of my day to see CG post. Not because it's always good news (most of the time it isn't) but because he has allowed us a small and brief glimpse into his life and what he is dealing with.
I am going to do HRE one better and say that IF things go as badly for CG as he has predicted, I'd like to see the "black page" for him!
I think I speak for everyone on LRC when I say that I wish nothing but the best for you and your wife (and kids). Stay strong!
Thanks for the uplifting words. It really is amazing to have so many people behind me (us). I feel like I live in a little bubble most of the time. I work from home, for the most part, deal with hospice folks, and, doctors/nurses. It's easy to get lost in your own version of reality when no one really has a chance to interact with yours. Part of the reason I come here is to be reminded that life does go on. I am so happy to read the regular banter, see folks going for the goals, pursuing dreams just like I would be had I not had this stuff come up. The fact that people take time to look out for me really lifts me up and helps me make it through the day. I really am just some guy dealing with life and death. But, you folks make it seem like a lot more, and, for that, I am deeply thankful.
Turns out the "mass" was what the neurosurgeon simply things, in his words, is an oddly shaped pituitary gland. Now, how often do you go from worst case scenario to "that looks weird"? I don't know and I don't care. I am so overjoyed it's just an oddity I really can't tell you. Nonetheless, than you to everyone who held their breath, said a prayer and thought about us. I know that those seemingly insignificant things may not take a lot of effort, but, I believe in a lot of weird things...and, certain ways of looking at things like qunantum mechanics and faith lead me to believe that those little things DO help us. Prayer really does matter and faith, that little bit of hope, shared between thousands of people for our little family really DO positively affect not just our outlook but the reality of what happens in our lives (since perspective determines not just what we think of life, but, how we respond to it as well). So, great news over here about the wife and hopefully after all the follow up tests I'll be able to stand saying the same thing... I.e., "It was just a weird little thing" we will have already forgotten about in 3 months. One of those scares that slip into the distance and forgotten space of what was and could have been.
Off to work...
First off, I wanted to take a moment to thank Brent and all the folks who supported me a few weeks ago by raising funds. It really was a tremendous blessing and my family want to extend our appreciation for the love and support shown by the folks here on the board. I know Letsrun has its fair share of rough and tumble nonsense, but, folks stopped, took the time to give real, tangible time, energy and effort to me and my family. I am thankful for this place and wanted to share that so folks know that, in spite of how frustrated we may get with this place from time to time, there are lots of good, genuine folks on here who want to make a positive impact in the lives of others. I hope I can pass that along one of these days. My kids learned of the kindness of strangers in a real way and that is a lesson you do not get just every day.
Re normal life/training: I walked 1 yesterday and 3.5 this morning. Nice weather today. Little overcast and cool, but, not cold or anything. Trying to get myself back into a routine. I realized, I think I mentioned, I was pretty depressed and deep in a funk a few weeks ago. Thankfully I popped out of it and am now trying to get some forward momentum in my life. The hospice group I am working with hooked me up with this amazing chaplain. I am a very "out there" thinker, although I don't get there much on the boards, but, having someone I can connect with as I wrestle through some of my issues makes a HUGE difference. I know this is totally random, but, if anyone on here ever finds themselves at a point in their life where they may be considering doing hospice, do it sooner rather than later. Most people wait too long and miss a lot of the potential benefits of using hospice. Again, totally random, but, it has made a big difference in my life and the quality of life of my family. If anyone wants to read some of my blog, I have a link here. Warning, it can be a bit dark at times, so, for people who don't want to see serious wrestling with doubt and faith, don't read it.
http://wrestlewithdeath.blogspot.com/
Please, be kind. I am just a guy with a blog trying to make sense of where I am at. I know everyone really has been amazing, and, I don't expect any problems. So, thanks and I hope, maybe in there, is something that can help someone somehow.
It's also a highlight for me when CG posts because it means he's still around and kicking.
CG, excellent news about your wife. It's definitely your turn to get some similarly excellent news. Hang in there.
So relieved and happy to hear of CG's wife's news and glad to see an upbeat, forward looking post. I agree hospice is a God send to patients and families. Please know that I keep you all in my daily prayers. Enjoy your day!!
Thanks all. It really had been teed up to be a scary week. The doctor quickly put us at ease. Again, we still have some tests to follow up on, but, the presiding tone was "this is just odd". For me, the last time i heard "this is probably just ....." was before my life got turned upside down. So, I guess I went into the last couple of days totally shellshocked. We had just gotten the kids in school (been looking forward to that for years) and this comes up. Man, can't win for losing was my thought. I truly do pray, in the end, it is just something weird.
Did another 1 mile last night. Going for 5-6 this morning. See how I feel. Kind of overcast and cool. Low-70's. Last week it was topping 108-109. Wildness. Off to the road...
Lame: I only walked a mile this morning. Really have my autobiography on the brain today. Writing, writing and more writing.
the cancer guy wrote:
Lame: I only walked a mile this morning. Really have my autobiography on the brain today. Writing, writing and more writing.
One mile more than I have done today!
Bad news. Hospice folks came over today. In talking with them I communicated some real sweating issues I had been having with one of the medications. Their response too me very much by surprise. I thought, in my head, that it was purely the medication. After talking with the pain management specialist he suspects the issue is the fact that the amount of disease in my body is so great the disease is actually destroyed all of my marrow. I am living on borrowed time. Transfusions are the only the kind keeping me alive. With no more marrow to take over the only place left is brain tissue. I will start to see mental and physical degradation begin to occur. Anything simple, walking, eating, talking, etc, will become impossible as it continues to take over. They didn't give me a time frame, but, essentially, my body will start to reject transfusions and I will being to fail. If I get another two months I will be shocked. So, unfortunately, the end is closing in and I am pretty scared. I will be going to work tomorrow to do my short term disability and start working on the last few things I can do for my family. Books for the kids and my autobiography, if I can make it that far. I guess that will be my new job. I am pretty devestated. I wanted to believe the longer of the time frames their pointed out that I might have, but, it seems the shorter end of the spectrum seems to be the reality. Hopefully I can do all this and pass before I run out of 100% disability benefits. That way my family would have as much of their income as possible. I can't believe this is happening. I am so scared, angry, frustrated, disappointed, disillusioned, broken and lost. Honestly, I don't even know where to go from here. I am praying I can get the important stuff done before time runs out. My kids' books, my autobiography, etc. I don't know if it will happen in time, but, I am going to try like I am running that first marathon with everything in my being to tell them "We have won!" I wish I had better news, but, I wanted to tell everyone who has followed me along the way, "Thank you." It really has meant a lot to have this motley crew here with me. As I find time to write, I will. Right now, I am just in such shock I am totally lost in the moment. The wife and I have been crying and talking for an hour and we're drinking some Hornsby's Hard Cider Amber Draft. I mean, what, am I going to become an alcoholic in a month? Not likely. Tomorrow will be my last day of work. There are a few things I'd like to try and do before I can't do it any more. Oh the turns life takes. I look back and think, "If only we had not moved here, Frisco, Texas, I would be alive, healthy, moving forward with my life." And the sad part is, the city isn't even talking about it. How horrifying is that! Sorry for the dark post. I just needed somewhere to vent instead of on my kids. For every husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, brother, sister, parent, lover...go, right now, tell the people in your life you love them. You have no idea how that may be gone in the blink of an eye. Thank you my friends for being here for me. If anyone is interested in my autobiography let me know. I am not a professional writer. I am no one famous. I am just a guy who has struggled to get through my 35 years of life. But, my story is real and maybe, somehow, it would help you. Help you laugh, cry, know you're not alone. I don't know. If this is something you might like email me at will dot steele at live dot com. I'll send copies once they are done. Take care and thank you for supporting me through this waking nightmare. Each and everyone one of you has made a REAL, TANGIBLE impact in my life. Trolls, cheerleaders, supporters, wallflowers. Enough. I'm going get drunk. : )
Oh, man. That is intense. Amazingly intense. I'll email you and offer up my talents as a professional writer/editor.
My dad's cancer has moved to his lymph system and he's going through more chemo. He's also getting blood transfusions regularly. My mom's going through the grieving process now since it's just a matter of time before his fight is over too. In many ways, cancer makes our families larger than we ever expected.
My heart goes out to you and your family. Please, know that your story has had a cumulative positive effect on many people in one way or another.
Love,
redux
You continue to fight valiantly for yourself and your family, CG. You are an inspiration to us all. Please do not give up hope. He is with you always- These words have comforted me though numerous tragic losses in my life. God is most tangible to me during those dark, lonely, anxious moments. It helps to surrender your fears and just trust.
Oh, And alcohol helps too :)
Prayers and blessings
This one was just a BIG kick in the gut. I was kind of feeling like I had maybe a 6 month window. It suddenly got shut much more tightly.
the cancer guy wrote:
This one was just a BIG kick in the gut. I was kind of feeling like I had maybe a 6 month window. It suddenly got shut much more tightly.
Maybe you do. Maybe you don't. None of us charter our life scripts. One thing is for sure, you are making the most of every moment despite all your setbacks. Your wife and children will look back at your life and find strength through your example. I think of you often- I am not a stranger to tragedy- and your family. I would be honored to lend a hand to you or your family, anytime.
I think I am retiring today. Wow. That's a thought.
Hi CG, you are in my prayers, and I thank you for sharing your story with us. I always love reading your posts. You are all what I love about runners: brave, strong, smart, kind, witty.
And btw, you are a terrific writer.
CG is my nominee for 2012 LetsRun.com Poster of the Year.
I said it before and I will say it again. CG, you are wrong for thanking us. Thank YOU for bringing us into your life. You have opened yourself up to us and have shared with us very private moments about your life, diagnosis and progress. We all wish nothing but the best for you, your wife and your children. The world needs more people like you.
Be strong and don't give up hope.
Thanks for sharing your story and struggle. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Damn dude. I don't even know what to say. It is so surreal to be sitting here reading your posts and trying to grasp what you are going through. I doubt that I could handle the situation as well as you are.
I truly hope you are wrong about the amount of time you have left with your family. Make every day count with your family but don't give up the fight.
CG--
You bring to mind that quote by one of Joseph Conrad's characters, recently widely publicized by Salman Rushdie:
"I must live until I die, mustn't I?"
I hope the autobiography goes well.
Your wife should know that she is lucky to have spent time with somebody like you, because you are amazing. Because of my age I've seen more than a few people go through this sort of thing, but you are somehow...different.
In a good way, that is! You inspired me to get off my lazy sprinter ass and do 5 miles on the treadmill last night, even with my PF. Today the foot is a bit sore, but I feel great, because of the 5 miler, which was done because of you.
So, thanks--you continue to have an effect on the world, even if you don't know exactly what that effect might be.
Totally shameless self-plug, but, there is a HUGE prayer meeting for me tonight from 6-8pm CST. A nun the Vatican is investigating for sainthood will be leading the effort. If you you are unfamiliar with how the vatican vets REAL saints, this is not something that is taken lightly. These are literal, legal proceedings (in the context of the church). So, this is some heavy duty prayer. I am not Catholic, but, I know God can heal regardless of what I call myself. I you are free from 6-8pm CST and if you have a moment we would greatly appreciate any prayers from anyone, anywhere. There are literally thousands of people joining in.