Phidippides was the FASTEST marathoner that EVER LIVED!!

G-fock, allow me...look, up in the sky, it's a bird, it's a, um, another larger, silver bird, no, it's the BIG DIPPER! Any truth to the rumor that Dip is the source for the phrase, "You da man!"

Read us another chapter tomorrow, please.

I didn't know you could milk a cat.

..of course, you can milk anything with nipples...

Love the tale Mr. Focker, please read us some more...

wait now...

I've got nipples. They've never produced milk that I'm aware of.

:-)

Are you a pothead Fokker?

Pete, I think it's just: "I've got nipples, could you milk me!?"

...but same difference :)

I'm starting to get a bit uncomfortable with all this nipple talk. Let's get back to the cool running story... :-)

Dip had run past the welcoming decorative fountains at the entrance of the city limits and into the heart of Athens. He was finishing up the final quarter of his unearthly 'thon debut. Relieved, there in plain view stood the finish line, City Hall. Majestically architected with long, prominent Corinthian columns and robust marble walls, it was a symbolic bastion of freedom, a foundation of the Western World. Across the street was the Post Office he worked at, where quite a commotion was stirring. One of Dip's co-workers, presumably Kostas "Short Fuse" Papadopolous, was GOING POSTAL. But Dip did not have the time for such matters. His urgent message had yet to be relayed.

Dip was no stranger to City Hall. Many of his fellow townspeople and Aristocrat friends congregated there. As we already know, Dip was mathematically inclined. He'd lobbied at the Hall before to try to change their clumsy numeric system. The proposed system would make arithmetic simpler, which meant easier ways to figure out splits and pace averages. He also tried to convince them to include the concept of ZERO into the system. Dip was from another era, a real Renaissance Man even before there was a Renaissance.

Anyhow, he sprinted up the Hall's countless steps and burst through the solid oak doorway in a fashion that would make Rocky Balboa envious. His arrival was met with considerable fanfare. Greeted with cheers, the crowd gathered round and many different members responded as he delivered the news. The translation is a little murky but it went sorta like so:

Crowd member: "Yo, look who it is, it's Dip! Hey man!"

The crowd roars and someone exchanges a high-five with him.

Dip: "Hey my fellow Athenians, we handed those Persians their A$$ES back at Marathon earlier today. They want to even the score, so they're on the way here in their PADDLE BOATS and are equipped with SLING SHOTS."

Crowd member: "Word?"

Dip: "Word. Glad I got here before them. I almost BONKED and thought about WALKING for a second but some street vendor was selling Cokes. Coke is sooo refreshing. Too bad they don't make a VANILLA FLAVORED COKE. Wish they had those gigantic grilled PRETZELS, you know, like they sell in Manhattan. Mmmm... those are my favorite."

Crowd member: "Walk? You almost pulled a 'Stephanos Gallow.' Good thing you didn't run it the Gallow-Way. You musta been sprinting the entire distance to beat the Persians here. How long did it take?"

Reaching into his backpack, Dip pulls out an hourglass, looks at it and sets in on an intricately carved table with a deep, mirror-like sheen. The hourglass was a Black & Decker model with a lifetime warranty, so you can be certain it was precise and well built.

Dip: "It took somewhat shy of two turns of the glass."

That is without a doubt sub 2 hours, conservatively about 1:50.

Crowd member: "WOW! You're primed enough for the next Olympiad. Did you hear they'll be doing away with the lion event? Learned that lions would rather EAT the competitors than RACE them, but they might be adding ZEBRAS and GIRAFFES."

Dip smiles in appreciation while blushing in modesty. He knows he could outrace a ZEBRA.

Crowd member: "How many dudes did YOU slaughter back at Marathon, Dip?"

Dip: "MCCXVIII."

Crowd member: "Great balls of HEPHAESTUS' FIRE. Dicing that many foes and then blasting that run in under two turns of the timepiece!! You da man, Dip! YOU - DA - MAN!!"

In unison, the crowd began to rhythmically chant "You da man! You da man! ..." thus bearing the origins of the quote. The public was in complete awe and they knew they were in the presence of greatness. Someone from the crowd with arm extended, pointed his index finger proudly at Dip and gave him the wink of approval. The task was complete, a job well done. It was all in a days work for Dip who had CRAMPS and had just excused himself from the room. The townspeople hurriedly prepared for the ensuing all out WAR.

The question still remains. Will all of history witness only one Phidippides or will there ever be another? And if history is blessed with another, then when, and for what motivation?

How do you come up with this stuff? It's great!

First off, I think the original post for this thread is a literary masterpiece. However, it seems to have sparked further telling of false facts, a few of which I would like to clear up. Foremost of those, a few people have confused "Phidippides" role as the "father" of the modern marathon. Phidippides is indeed recognized as a greek (athenian) messenger dispatched to send news of the war, but his journey did not cover the short distance to and fro the fields of Marathon, nor was it to sends news of victory. Phidippides was sent to Sparta some 150 miles away, to enlist the help of the legendary Spartan army as the Athenians felt themselves to be greatly overmatched in numbers by the ensuing and even more legendary Persians. He made the 150 mile trek (farther than any modern Ultra-Marathon) a few shades shy of two days. 24-25 miles would hardly constitute this mans morning run, or any greek courriers for that matter. All the way down in Sparta, Phidippides was far far away from any action current with this war, let alone consider for him to have been involved in any courrier work from there he first would have had to trek his ass 150 miles back home to Athens, catch a quick breather and maybe some nookie, before continuing on NE to Marathon some 25 miles further away. At minium, just to get to the war grounds and have any news of it Phidippides, he would have covered 325 miles in a damn short period of time. Were the rest of the courrier's on strike or something? More likely a scenario, I think more than one of our modern events was born on these days, the marathon is one and some form of distance medley relay the other. Though modern days 1200m-400m-800m-1600m hardly does its fathers 240km-240km-40k-40k any justice. Further, historians in general don't feel the whole death ordeal to be too likely either, considering the average courrier's daily commute covering a measley 24-25 miles from Marathon to Athens would be the equivalent of Khannouchi collapsing after running a random 400m for fun around the track. Though if the "Phidippides" did indeed do all of this running solo, I suppose it would be logical that 350+ miles in a maybe 5-14 day period would be pretty taxing on anyone's sole. For more interesting tid bits on these matters...

http://www.marathonguide.com/history/olympicmarathons/prologue.cfm

http://www.army.gr/html/EN_Army/istoria/marathon.htm

http://homepage.mac.com/cparada/GML/MapGreece.html

He was doping...

Dip: The Movie, coming to theaters near you Sept 15. It's based on the novel by His Torically Correct. Screenplay by Gaylord Focker, esq. Featuring Jerry Lawson as Dip, Sandra Bullock as his love interest and Lawrence Fishburne because, well, he's HOT in Hollywood now. Official movie drink: Vanilla Coke!

Multiple venues will be used including the hills and trails around Boulder, the streams thru Missouri and the courthouse in Stockbridge, MI. The battle scenes will take place along Lake Champlagne in NH.

With anticipated excitement and attendance figures already in mind, Dip: The Movie II is not far behind. Much of this is due to the surge in running interest that circled the globe in the early 70's after F Shorter and publication of the book Aerobics delivered the news that running was GOOD!

Dip didn't dope, asshole! The second test was inconclusive.

Maybe a little off-topic, but a good read (historical fiction) about the Spartans is the book "Gates of Fire" by Pressfield. Might be a little overhead for some of you illiterates, but once you learn to read, you'll probably enjoy this one.

What I said.

malmo - no offense here, but as one of the.. um.. more mature posters to this board, is it possible that you wintessed these events unfolding first hand...?

Pete- your sensible nature and grasp of logic. Makes you a definite Letsrun STUD candidate. Plus I believe your Canadian? MAkes you moe exotic... Check out that thread (don't worry, it's all in fun).

Boo hoo hoo hoo ha ha hahaha!

Canadian, snicker, snicker,... exotic! :-)

Don't worry, I'm laughing WITH you, not at you. I just don't think I've ever seen Canadian = exotic in print before. When I first read that I immediately had to go out for a run in the slush to calm my giggle response and figure out how to respond.

I've been called many things, and I am a proud Canadian. Handsome, intelligent, well read and well travelled also. A lover of fine music and fine wine. So sure, I think I'm a STUD. I believe my wife thinks so too, and I like to pretend to myself that my kid looks up to me too. Did I mention handsome and intelligent? And funny, and humble, and... ;-)

Now this DIP character - there's a STUD. Let's get back into the story. Now where did we leave off? I think Malmo and Hodgy-san were thinking about challenging DIP to a rematch...

Pete, you cannot offend me. Mature has never been an adjective to describe me - you're young only once but you can be immature for the rest of your life! Seriously though, while I didn't witness the events firsthand, I do have an autographed messenger's sachel signed, "Malmodysseus, Best wishes to a very fine young messenger - Dip"

Phidippides started making a name for himself as early as high school. By senior year all the top colleges tried their hand at recruiting him, which meant he wouldn't be attending "Harvard on the Peloponnesian Hill."

Dip's reputation preceded him and the Frat Houses sought after him to pledge, but Dip had visions of more grandiose designs. Though he never joined a Fraternity, he saw nothing wrong with GREEK life. Nevertheless he was always preoccupied with other things, particularly those that dealt with running. Studious and scholarly, he went about experiments using the scientific method and empirical evidence. One of his favorite first-hand studies was CARBO LOADING on Saturday nights and exploring the effects it had on his long Sunday runs.

Don't get me wrong, he did have time for a woman, and in fact, his college girlfriend was a Sorority sister. She could have rushed any of them, Beta Omicron Chi (BOX), Tau Iota Tau (TIT), or Alpha Sigma Sigma (ASS). Dip wasn't the artsy kind, however his girlfriend was a masterpiece he was proud to call his own. This work of art possessed a magnetic allure. Her hypnotic smile would sing to him, her voice was like the Heaven's Choir, and her presence radiated a soft, charming glow. She went with Sorority House Tau Nu Alpha, or T-N-A for short. She was real deal, hardcore TNA material.

Nonetheless, he would never lose sight of his first love, running. Run he did, and plenty of it. The team's long trips stretched as far as the eye could see; way lengthier than the 8 mile loops off Washington Ave in Albany, NY; much farther than the 11 mile romps down and around Peachtree Ave in Atlanta, GA; far beyond the 14 milers connected to the Lancaster Ave stretch through the town of Villanova, PA. These tenacious thoroughbreds were insatiable and their out-and-backs were UPHILL BOTH WAYS. Nothing would stop them from doing a workout or partaking in a big race. Through RAIN, SLEET, or SNOW, they delivered. Those were words Dip lived by and a motto that held strong into his career as MAIL COURIER.

As was plain as day, Phidippides was a man of hard work and discipline. His strength of character, his unbending and unbreakable attitude towards running was the fountain of youth that propelled his REMARKABLE 1:50.