My criminal drug-addict brother needs me to drive him to our parent's place 4 hours away. Yes or No?

dead to me wrote:

Anger? What are you talking about? Do you avoid people who want to rob you blind because you're angry with them? No, you avoid people like that because they cause you problems. That's all.

I agree with the other guy. Anger will only eat you from the inside. Let it go. He is your brother.

I'm not angry with him. I thought I made that clear.

[quote]dead to me wrote:

No offense, Rojo, but you're an idiot. Why don't you go volunteer your time in a prison shower for four hours once every few years. '

What a jerk

There is nothing worse than someone asking for advice then throwing it back in your face

Offence intended by the way, this was the polite version

You sound angry, bitter, borderline violent, self righteous, and with a chip on your shoulder. Now thank the posters who have contributed and are trying to help you, open your mind, and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're welcome.

dead to me wrote:

I'm not angry with him. I thought I made that clear.

You've made it clear that you don't think you're angry. You are clearly angry. You can start the healing process once you make that realization. It's a tough journey. I wish you luck.

I have a brother like this as well. I am not angry with my brother, but I just don't want anything to do with him, holidays or not. I have not spoken to him in 8 years and don't ever plan on it.

Family is great and all; I love mine very much. But there are some people who don't belong in your life, regardless if they are the same flesh and blood.

If I were you, I would not pick him up either. He's not your responsibility at this point.

Ummm wrote:

I have a brother like this as well. I am not angry with my brother, but I just don't want anything to do with him, holidays or not. I have not spoken to him in 8 years and don't ever plan on it.

Family is great and all; I love mine very much. But there are some people who don't belong in your life, regardless if they are the same flesh and blood.

If I were you, I would not pick him up either. He's not your responsibility at this point.

You sound like you've gone through the process of forgiveness and have moved on. You are not making decisions out of spite or principle, but are making decisions that are best for you. That is way different than declaring a brother "dead to you" and venting your anger online while denying the anger.

I don't get why it's so hard for you to understand this. Why would someone choose to be around another person who makes their life worse, steals from them, may create significant problems for them, and may be physically dangerous? I suppose you'd tell a woman who's gets beaten by her husband that she's just angry and needs to accept that so she can start the "healing process." Dude, it's not about anger. It's about bringing toxicity into my life. If you knew anyone like my brother you would never say the things you have. Everyone I know who's been in my situation (with my brother or their own relatives/friends) have similar feelings. It's pretty naive to think your views are correct when you've never even had experiences similar to mine.

But of course not wanting to bring drugs, alcohol, violence, and criminal behavior into my life makes me an angry, self-righteous, borderline violent person. Riiiight.

sofa king stoopid wrote:

If he is a drug addict, don't give him money. You're SOL. No matter what, you're gonna get pulled into addict family drama. If you drive him, you'll be participating in your mother's enabling and setting an expectation that you'll participate in the future. If you don't, you're mother is probably gonna give you hell. I would stick to my convictions and say no. If you do this, be prepared for conflict with your mom.

Good luck.

This is the best answer; don't do anything for him. Contrary to what some have said is harsh treatment, helping out in any way typically only serves to enable a degenerate's sordid lifestyle.

My wife's sister was very much like the brother in this story. Upon reaching a certain point in her life, one couldn't help with money because it would be spent on drugs/booze, rather than what it 'should' have been spent on. You couldn't let her stay in your house because you'd wake up the next day missing cash and possessions that could be easily sold. One also couldn't 'help' with rides to court/imposed treatment, and other such things because all it did was further a reliance that others will somehow bail out with some sort of help, so she never learned what is needed to subsist on her own, within the law and good self-interest.

Sure, they eventually end up jailed (if they are lucky), just as my sister-in-law did. But, when she finally got released and fed up with her lifestyle, she cleaned up her act and is mostly acclimated to living among society; her brain is still a bit addled from the years of substance abuse, but she's clean these days and living a vastly better life than before.

I never said to pick him up. I commended "Ummm" for their handling of their situation. Not picking him up is probably the wise thing to do. The end conclusion isn't what I'm talking about. It is the manner in which you reached it. You are having a hard time dealing with this crap hand you've been dealt. Counseling wouldn't be a bad idea. Until you're able to drop your anger at the situation (your brother directly, your mother for rationalizing, anger about the attention that he draws away from you, etc), you'll be consumed by it.

asdeee wrote:

Until you're able to drop your anger at the situation (your brother directly, your mother for rationalizing, anger about the attention that he draws away from you, etc), you'll be consumed by it.

lol. Congratulations. I've been trolled.

You do the driving, or don't even go, man.

I wish we were still using HOMETOWN and PLACETOWN like we were at the start of this thread.

Yes, give the poor guy a ride.

I swear I have the exact same brother and anyone who is telling you to "lighten up" has no clue and lives in a fairy tale. My a-hole brother is bad bad news and I will never have anything to do with him again. Both of my parents have been and continue to be enablers for all of his 50+ years and the rest of my siblings have slowly but surely finally had it with him as well.I would invite any of these do gooders here to enjoy an alcohol and/or drug induced beat down or two and then decide if they would still suggest that they would hang out with him because it's the Holidays and he is Family.As Eddie Vedder suggests, put him in your Rear View Mirror, bro. Nobody needs the stress of being around guys like that. I am actually impressed that you considered picking him up at all. I wouldn't, but my family would know not to ask.Best of luck.

Dead to me - your instincts inform you not to have anything to do with this guy and I would trust them. I would also be direct with him - telling him that given his conduct and behavior you just cannot trust him enough to be around or help him out. You are not a bus driver, and you don't have to pick every passenger on your route.

I don't think you are angry but that is also quite a distance from being at peace over things you cannot control. This is not a criticism, but bear in mind that people who leave productive lives with great families (I am lucky to be there in my work and personal life - my brother is one of the most accomplished, well off, educated and yet kind people I know) still have to work to be at grace with themselves - sometimes quite hard. Count me in on that score.

I feel for your situation, and it strikes me that your brother may never be able not abuse himself and others. If so, this still shouldn't stop you from paying it forward with people can can accept assistance and give you something in return.

Genesis 4:9:

Then the Lord said to Cain, “Where is Abel your brother?”

He said, “I do not know. Am I my brother’s keeper?”

---

Sounds like you are down with Cain (and I don't mean Herman Cain), and not your brother's keeper.

I think you should call the show Intervention and have them set one up for this Thanksgiving (or X-mas if it is too late for this holiday. And of course tell your bro they are just making a film about drug addiction). They could even come along for the drive with you to film it (and give you protection). And then maybe he'd be guilted into a good rehab and come out of it okay. Hey, anything is possible.

(and other pluses are: you'd get to be on t.v., and we'd all get to watch it and feel better about our families, that they are not as f'd up as yours [that's why everyone watches those shows, right?] And then we could all start a really long thread about it arguing over whether you came off as a nice guy or an A-hole, and how much of a train-wreck your bro was. C'mon, consider it. As I said, you'd be brightening a lot of people's dull lives, you'd become slightly famous, and....I guess I should not have put this last.... you might eveb help out your brother! Win, Win, Win )

Oh, and by the way, I REALLY hate long drives, especially on nightmare traffic days. I wouldn't turn an already fairly painful 4 hour drive into an absolute nightmare of an 8 hour drive for almost anyone, let alone an SOB like your brother. 100% seriously, it would have to be my ailing mom or dad who literally had absolutely no other way of getting to my place for me to do that.