You Might Be a Helicopter Parent if...

The OP made a helicopter parent just sound like a parent who was involved in what their children do and shows up to meets.

But the term comes from a parent who is always hovering over their child.

It is a cord-cutting issue more than anything with helicopter parents. Helicopter parents are involved at times when the kid should be out on his/her own, making their own decisions and living with and learning from their successes and failures. It is also more of a college thing than a high school issue. High school parents are rarely too involved. A high school sophmore is just a few years out from playing with Legos. They are still kids.

Distance running doesn't lend itself well to helicoptering. The kid has to do the training and racing on his/her own. You can't have your parents help you with your 400 repeats. And the protective instinct of the helicopter parent is antithetical to the need to push your limits to be successful in distance running.

This is what parents should do for their kids, if they have the time and resources (to travel).

I know some coaches probably like some help at meets and whatnot, but I think this is when it starts to get a little weird. When parents start hanging out around the team, even when they're helping with something, on a regular basis at meets it's awkward. What is the coach doing that is so complicated that he/she/the assistant coach/athletes that are not running that particular meet cannot do?

It gets really weird when the parents begin to hover around all the time and someone else's dad, who has never ran any kind of race ever, is giving you advice on how to run.

Precious Roy wrote:

It is a cord-cutting issue more than anything with helicopter parents. Helicopter parents are involved at times when the kid should be out on his/her own, making their own decisions and living with and learning from their successes and failures.

When I was in high school, if my mother had decided not to come to some of my cross-country and track meets, I would have been relieved. The problem wasn't that she was there being supportive of me, but that she tried to become a part of everything in my life at a time when I was trying to develop my own friendships and activities without being the kid whose mother was always hanging around. She became personal friends with the coach and his family, and went to team meals after every meet (any parents were invited, but she was the only one who went every time), and I felt like she wanted it to be "our" cross-country team and "our" teammates instead of an activity that I did and she supported while having her own life and activities.

I ended up purposely going to college too far for her to come to every meet, and even as an adult, I feel that was the right decision.

I coach and teach at an upper middle class high school. I have been coaching Track and CC for 23 years. The last 6/7 years I have had to deal with these crazy helicoptor parents.

Who:

Want to sit with their kid under the shade tent with the rest of the team, they are the ones that want me to make sure every kid puts on sunscreen, they only want you to make discisions based on the good of their kid or family. They call me and ask me silly questions about meets, training, etc. They bring food for them and make sure their kid is sitting with them instead of being with the team, they want special treatment when going to meets or want to leave early because they have to go do something more important than letting their kid stay and cheer on his/her teammates. They berate their kid for not running to their expectations. I have some great parents who support their kid but do not cross the line. Here is our parent guidelines for track.

1. Make sure your athlete is eating a balanced diet. No meal skipping, less sugar and fat.

2. Water, Water, Water. Your athlete should be getting a gallon a day; diluted sport drinks are good too.

3. Make sure homework is being done. Ask them daily about homework and school. Check to make sure, especially the under classman. (freshman and sophomores) They must have a 2.0 to run Track.

4. Please never hold your athlete out of a practice or a meet for discipline at home. Their team is counting on them. Home chores, taking away phone, computer, TV, video games, or grounding are just as effective.

5. ALWAYS BE A CHEERLEADER!!! Remember most athletes put enough pressure on themselves without parents putting undo pressure on them. All they need is your support and that you are proud of them. Coaches will take care of who to beat or if they should have done better. Never be upset by their performance or berate them for not running to your expectations. This will not be tolerated. Coaches will discuss this with you if needed. Don’t be a helicopter parent always hovering over them.

6. PLEASE COME TO THE MEETS! The teams that are the best have the greatest parental support for the athletes and the coaches.

7. Please support the fundraiser. We are facing budget cuts so this money we make may have to go to transportation and other costs. We sell a discount card for 20 dollars, each athlete sells 5. You may take these to work and sell them if needed.

8. The coaches expect every athlete to take the bus to our Wed. meets. They may ride home with a parent after the meet when the coaches dismiss them. If you take your athlete before dismissal for whatever reason, your athlete will have extra running after practice the next day and could miss the next meet.

9. When the athlete arrives at the meet please do not expect your athlete to come hang out with you in the stands, we ask that with some kids who are insecure that you encourage them to be with teammates.

10. Please respect your athlete’s space after the race, they need to recover and be with their team. Bring your own watch so you can time them, do not bug the coach for their time. In other sports such as Basketball, Football, Baseball, Soccer; you do not see parents hanging out on the field, they are in the stands showing good character and sportsmanship.

11. Do not live your life through your son/daughter. Help them become independent.

12. Please keep your negative comments to yourself when talking about a coach to your athlete; this behavior will put your athlete in a situation where they will carry that negativity to their teammates and to practice and meets. This is gossip and wrong.

13. Many athletes will come home and complain about a coach or athlete usually dealing with some decision the coach made. Let them vent but DO NOT get tricked into joining the emotional party. LET THEM VENT!!! This is normal!! Encourage your athlete to go to the coach and discuss this like an adult. When parents get involved it does nothing to teach the young person how to take care of their own problems. Parents get too emotionally charged up and think their problem should be the top priority for the coaches. It is NOT!! We will make decisions based on the good of the team.

14. Do not be a “Stealth Fighter Parent” where you pounce on the coaches because your child did not get on a relay team, or picked to go to an Invitational or running an event they do not like etc. We will be as fair as possible in picking the fastest athletes to compete.

15. Expect your athlete to be tired at times after meets and practices. Running takes tremendous effort, soreness, nausea, and general fatigue are normal.

16. Off season training will better prepare the athlete and help to keep them uninjured.

17. Be a good role model. Be encouraging.

18. Please don’t be a no-it-all even if you do know the event your athlete competes in. There are many roads that lead to competing and the coaches all have their philosophies for getting kids ready.

19. Monitor friends, hangouts, girlfriends, boyfriends, homework, and please have a curfew. Don’t smother them but know where they are as much as possible

20. The coaching staff will not tolerate underage kids going to parties where alcohol and drugs are being served, even if your kid does not drink. They have no business being at these parties. Police have informed us that at most parties with alcohol, weapons and illegal drugs are present. This is grounds for being kicked off the team and will be up to the discretion of the coaches. We have had parents put on the underage party and they were arrested.

21. We DO NOT give college scholarships, they are earned and a college coach will contact the athletes who are talented enough, we have nothing to do with this process.

22. Please watch the material rewards for running a specific time or place. Intrinsic rewards are more meaningful for personal pride. The team is greater than self.

23. Please do not baby your athlete; young adults need responsibility and accountability.

24. Give the gift of struggle, stop doing everything for them, and make them be responsible. Without struggle they will not grow up and will rely too much on you and feel entitled.

25. We will push your athlete at times and also teach them to do what’s right for the good of the team. We teach competitiveness, accountability, character, life skills, and mental toughness.

26. Do not come to practice to discuss your complaints, you will be sent away and told to email the perspective coaches below. Respect our time from 2:30pm-5pm and beyond this time for practice. Your problems at this time are not our concern, we have over 180 athletes to deal with and you trying to take this time will not work. An emergency is the only reason to come and talk to a coach.

Please respect the coaches after hour’s time even if you have their phone number, email works best if it is not an emergency. Calling a coach at home takes away from their family time and other responsibilities, we all teach a full load starting at 7am, so please respect this.

We look forward to a successful season and helping your young athlete become the best they can be.

Well their you go, evry parent signed this and did not have any problems with parents.

Monty

Were all of those spelling and punctuation errors in the guidelines that were sent home to parents? Yikes!

Holy Cow! I would love for a parent of come up with these kind of guidelines for the schools and coaches too. I have been an athlete, coach and now a parent and have seen a lot of unprofessional and bullyish behavior among coaches, especially more recently. Perhaps the coaches don't like any input from the parents, but seems to me it's called for these days. I can say from the parent end of it now, I would coach much differently than I had before I had kids. Some of these coaches think their program should be God over everything else in the kids' lives, not at all realistic anymore. I wish a lot of the coaches would remember that it's the parents that feed, clothe house as well as are ultimately responsible for the health and well-being of their child. What the coach sees at practice is often a far cry than what the parents know about their child. You may think you know it all, but you don't.

monty,

That is just about the best list of behavior for a parent of athletes that I have ever seen. I ran in HS and college, coached, and now have 2 kids who compete. It cannot be understated how much more everyone - coaches, athletes, fans, and parents - would enjoy sports if all parents would follow these guidelines.

And, frankly, who cares about the spelling errors - this is the Internet, it's not the Constitution. Great post, monty.

Here is the worst case of parent-team involvement i have ever seen.

We raised 300 dollars at a concession stand during homecoming for our cross country team last year. the booth was run by the athletes and the coach was present for the most part.

we threw around the idea of buying a large timer so kids could see their time at the end of the 5k.

one of the parents decided that she would try and help by making one of the worst business decisions i have ever witnessed, she bought things with her own money ( cliff bars, trail mix and Gatorade) and tried to sell them at our duel meets to help us raise money. When no one bought anything and she was stuck with a bunch of cliff bars and trail mix, she decided that she should talk our coach into paying her for the things with the money that we made at homecoming. Also she came up with an idea that if we all payed her 5 dollars she would buy us all subs for after districts, half the kids payed her the 5 dollars and she decided against that idea. I still haven't gotten my money back and neither has any other kid. It gets worse, she took the money that was left after she payed herself and used to it buy food for after districts. No one wanted the food, because it was cold and rainy and most kids just wanted to go home or stop at a convenient store.

So all in all we had a parent take over our funds that we raised at homecoming, and spend it all on food that no one wanted. oh and she also stole about 50 dollars from kids on the team with the 5 dollars she collected.

Wow, that is bad. So do you have any good stories about parents? I look at all of the help and support I see the parents giving my kid's junior high and highschool teams; fund raising, helping at meets (at the coach's request), supplying water at the meets,driving car pools so the kids can all make it home from practice (no activity bus) etc; and feel somewhat exasperated when I hear this same jr high coach say that she can't take the parents anymore! Perhaps next time have some clearer guidelines as to the kind of help you would like from the parents? My kids who are on the highschool team love their coaches and the parents do too. You know why? Because the coaches are clear on what they want from the parents, and guess what? They are not afraid to show the parents respect and gratitude for their support. You see, the accountibility and respect goes both ways, coaches and parents alike.

The helicopter parents I've known at the high school level have just moved their kid from program to program looking for the magic formula. A girl we had last year was making her last stop on her high school career that included 3 different high schools in four years including one that she attended twice. So a different school each year. I'm waiting to see where her mom moves her after her freshman year of college.

I've tried to get my kids' school to change its mascot to the helicopter...

Precious Roy wrote:

Helicopter parents are involved at times when the kid should be out on his/her own, making their own decisions and living with and learning from their successes and failures. ...

Distance running doesn't lend itself well to helicoptering. The kid has to do the training and racing on his/her own. You can't have your parents help you with your 400 repeats. And the protective instinct of the helicopter parent is antithetical to the need to push your limits to be successful in distance running.

Well said. I helped with the coaching of my daughters' middle school XC team, mainly because I had experience and the head coach needed help. Both of the girls became quite good. They are now in HS in a strong program with a good coach. I go to the meets but I know that the girls DON'T want me to get in the way, offer advice, etc. When the gun goes off, it is ultimately up to them, and they know that.

Going to the meets is not helicoptering, particularly if you make a point to know the entire team and support them all. Volunteering to time, or to help with fundraisers, etc., is not helicoptering. Giving your kid encouragement and support is not helicoptering.

Athletic Supporter wrote:

The parents of our large high school XC team participate at vastly different levels. Some attend everything event including travel meets. But the majority show up for very few events.

What I've noticed is that the most involved parents tend to have the best performing kids. So the helicopter parent might be a necessary evil for a successful team.

What level of parent involvement is typical for high school teams you are familiar with? What's over-the-top?

Brotha, that's not a helicopter parent. A helicopter parent is the parent who'll complain to other parents about going to the line before a race and saying good luck to their own child because it would distract their spoiled brat...

Just for a laugh, I've seen parents at many of the footlocker regional races who literately stand on the line 20-30 minutes before the race to save their kid a spot on the front row/best spot on the line.

Why do people make up these stupid phrases

How the hell did the this crap make the front page after about 10 posts

I used to pick one or two meets for my parents to come to, but thats it. I didnt want them there. That's my time with my teammates and such. It's not because I got nervous when they came (had plenty of teammates that freaked when mom & dad showed up) I just didnt want them there. That was my time to be me.

TheyCallMeStrider wrote:

Just for a laugh, I've seen parents at many of the footlocker regional races who literately stand on the line 20-30 minutes before the race to save their kid a spot on the front row/best spot on the line.

1 less second spent weaving through traffic is 1 more second off your time. Lord knows I'd be hella pissed if I missed top 10 or medaling in any of the divisions b/c I wasted time avoiding the giant mud puddle that was only in front of the runners on the left portion of the line or something similarly disadvantageous. A 5k may be a long race, but its still one in which every second counts.

Back to the OP, involved, supportive parents are awesome. Parents that undermine a coache's training or put undue stress on their athletes for performance reasons are the poison.

Parents need to learn to become more independent.

It is a tough balance to strike. My HS daughter and I talk running a lot, run together on weekends etc. Do I show up to nearly all the meets - yes. Do I have my views on the quality of the training / coaching she gets - yes. Do we debrief on races afterwards - usually, but at her initiative.

However, at a meet I don't interact with her, don't coach her, don't provide advice or strategy and don't say much of anything even during the races- I just leave her alone to be with her teammates and coaches. I'll encourage her as she runs by, but same as I will with her teammates.

Balance is trying to give the kid what they want and need (encouragement etc), but no more / no less.