April 1, 2016
Russian President Vladimir Putin probably didn’t order a hit on Nikita Kamaev, the former head of Russian Anti Doping, who was found dead on February 14, after Kamaev announced plans to publish a tell-all book, a report released by the US Department of State on April 1 has concluded.
“In life, you can’t always assume things that look bad are in fact bad. Sometimes it’s just a coincidence. It kind of reminds me of my predecessor’s email scandal. Sure it’s unusual that you use your own email account set up in the basement of your home, but it doesn’t necessarily mean anything,” said Secretary of State John Kerry in an emailed statement. “What most people don’t know is that in this case it’s two REALLY big coincidences on top of each other as few realize that the guy who headed Russian anti-doping before Kamaev, Vyacheslav Sinev, died unexpectedly 11 days before Kamaev on February 3rd. How crazy is that?”
Retired High Court (UK) Judge Robert Owen, a British national and the man who conducted the British inquiry into the murder of FSB spy Alexander Litvinenko in 2006 in London, conducted the inquiry for the Department of State. He wrote that he was “kind of confident” that the two former Russian anti-doping heads had both died of natural causes.
“Sure, a quick google search reveals that someone can easily give someone a heart attack by giving them potassium choloride but that’s not how the Russians roll,” said Owen. “When they order hits, they like to go for the slow death. In my London case, they left a radioactive trail as they used radioactive polonium-210.”
“The fact that more than 100 journalists have been killed during Putin’s reign seems to be yet another bizarre coincidence. Sometimes guys die of natural heart attacks and I think that’s what happened in both cases here.”
Internet journalists that are used to rewriting others stories to get clicks on your own website. Please realize that today is April 1.