Great News: Insurance Plans To Be Forced To Cover Running Shoes Free Of Charge

All Non-Marathoners Will Be Covered, But Only Marathoners Slower Than 4 Hours Will Be Covered

April 1, 2012

Excellent news for the non-marathon runners in the audience.

Word is leaking out that President Obama's Secretary of Health and Human Services, Kathleen Sebelius, will issue a regulation that all insurance plans under the Affordable Patient Care Act, aka "ObamaCare," cover free running shoes for non-marathon runners and marathon runners that run slower than 4 hours.

With obesity causing so many health problems right now, Sebelius and President Obama have found a plan that is almost certainly to be a winner with the electorate this year. Who wouldn't want free running shoes? America will be healthier as a result.

Unlike the ObamaCare provision to mandate free birth control for women, which upset many Roman Catholics and was seen as a possible violation of the First Amendment, this plan does not have many First Amendment concerns and does not discriminate against men (see

Showing the Obama administration's newfound awareness of the First Amendment, the regulation specifically exempts any insurance plans for the Native American tribes with connections to the Tarahumara people (the Native American tribe profiled in Christopher McDougal's New York Times bestseller Born to Run, where many people like to run barefoot) for having to pay for free running shoes.

It is anticipated this action will cause the third running boom in the US and millions of people will take up running as a result of the free running shoes. The news has caused the stocks of all the major running shoe makers to surge in after-hours trading. The stock of Whole Foods has even surged as there is speculation that Sebelius will next extend her concern for out health to organic food and mandate that every American gets $100 of free organic food a month.

The one thing that a few visitors might be upset with is the bill does not cover free running shoes for anyone who runs a marathon in under four hours. Sebelius explained why: "Everyone knows running too much can lead to injuries. So we want to promote healthy running only."

Originally the plan excluded free shoes for all marathon runners, but after lobbying from Runners World magazine and the hedge fund behind the Rock N Roll Marathons, the four-hour limit was put in place.

A side benefit for President Obama of the four-hour marathon limit is that the provision also helps end once and for all the birther movement. "Clearly, President Obama ... let me correct that - President Hussein Obama - was not born in Kenya, as this is a total slap in the face to the faster runners. A person born in Kenya would never allow this," said Sheriff Joe Arpaio.

Others wonder if this was just election year politics, as President Bush was known for associating with Kenyan runners and he only eked out a re-election victory.

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