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JK Exclusive: Eat and Drink Your Way to a PR

No Training Necessary

 

Are you sick and tired of having to actually put in effort to achieve success?  Are you the type of person who always wants to take a short cut?  Then, the new Joggersworld marathon training program by John Kellogg is for you. It is guaranteed to make you lose weight, look good, and help you set a new pr all without requiring any work on your behalf.

            The program is based on the fundamental training principles of legendary coach, John Kellogg, formerly of LetsRun.com.  Mr. Kellogg, back in the day, used to be a proponent of high mileage running and long-term development, but he has recently discovered the errors of his ways. 

Mr. Kellogg recently described his miraculous conversion to us: “I was sitting there enjoying a one of my favorite things on earth, a box of chocolate chip cookies. And I started thinking about one of my favorite things on earth, long distance running, and it dawned upon me to combine the two- cookies and running.  It was actually quite simple.”

Well, the actual running got pushed out the door as Mr. Kellogg studied up on two of the most successful coaches of our era- John “the Penguin” Bingham and Jeff “Gallowalk” Galloway.  “Lydiard, Bingham, and Gallowalk, I mean Galloway, they are the greatest coaches of all time.  But Lydiard’s philosophies really are outdated today. No one knows who he is.  I turned to Bingham and Galloway for my inspiration.  They are the ones who are really popular and make a lot of money from the sport, and everyone knows money equals success.”

Despite basing his program on the Bingham and Galloway models, Kellogg has made a few important modifications to correct a few mistakes in their legendary training models.  “All coaches make mistakes. Even the great ones.  Galloway’s and Bingham’s programs require too much effort.  I mean this is the 21st century.  Who wants to work really hard for success?  That is just such a cliché. You could get injured by actually running to prepare for a marathon.”

So Kellogg got rid of the actual running in his program.  “As we all know, rest and energy are the keys to success.  How do you get these two things? By sleeping and eating.  It is quite simple, yet quite revolutionary.”

Kellogg advocates at least one nap a day and 10 hours of sleep at night.  But he bristles at critics who say his program is not challenging. “This program is actually quite demanding.  If you’ve got a job or kids, it’s difficult to get 10 hours of sleep at night, plus that nap every day.  People are just going to have to get jobs where their bosses are understanding.”

As for the food part, Kellogg sticks to his lifelong favorites of Soft Batch chocolate cookies and Dr. Pepper. “I prefer the sugars because everyone knows carbohydrates are what provide energy.  The more the better.  If you put on an extra 10 to 20 pounds that is a good thing.  Think how much potential energy you have stored for the last miles of the marathon.”

And for the guarantee of a personal best?  Mr. Kellogg stands behind his promise. “You see, my  program has no running in it anymore.  I actually don’t even advise running the races.  Who needs to run the races?  Everyone gets a medal anyway these days, so participants in my program just sign up for virtual races where we hand out the medals at the post race party.  This is a great thing because it cuts down on expenses like water stops.  This way more money goes to charity.  Who could be against that?”

As a result, Mr. Kellogg is calling on all races to cancel the actual race to leave more time for the post-race party.  As for the uneducated people who still want to run the races. Mr. Kellogg could barely contain his contempt for such fools, “Those people are so stupid and out of date.  Everyone’s a winner to begin with so what is the point of a race.   Nonetheless, if they want to run a race, go ahead and do it.  They’ll still set a pr, because they’ve never run a step before.”

 

Mr. Kellogg clearly is a genius.


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