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B.C.
RE: Do you remember your first road race?
When my gran-pappy was still driving horses to work every day, I entered the Lexington Patriots 5 mile race.

We wuz so poor that I could not afford shoes to wear to the race, so I wore some mocassins my maw stole from Daniel Boone's third cousin.

The night before the race we stayed up till 3 am playin cards, swearin', spittin', and whistlin' dixie, but I was still rarin' to go the next mornin'.

At the startin' line they hada civil war cannon to gets our adrenalin pumpin (you metro-runners are all sissies with your cap-pistols with their silencers!).

I did mah first mile so fast I left my underwear at the startin' line, but no matter cuz I still wore a striped tank top with my runnin' suspender pantalones.

Anyway, after the first 2 miles, I was waved over to the sidelines by some cute southern belles who offered me some tobac-key, so after a couple drags I hit the road again.

I finished 7th overall even though I was slower than a tortoise. Ya see, the night before the race I'z paid mah brotha' to head out to the last mile of the race early in the morning and turn the road sign around backwards.

By the time the rest of the pack figgured out they wuz goin' in the wrong Dee-rection, I was only a few yards from the finish.

Oh, and the prize at the finish was I got to kiss mah cousin on her ruby lips, plus enough free chewin tabac-key to last me a year!

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