UAA

Case Western is the biggest joke in the UAA. Failing school, failing athletes, and don't even shower together. Which has more personality: NYU's 60H squad or Case Western student's body? We all no the answer. Which will happen first: Case has an athlete relevant at the national levle or they get thrown out opf the UAA for being such a f*c**ing ******hole? We can get a real midwest academic and athletic pwoerhouse in here like Otterbein or Ohio State instead of some pimply scrubs who get merit scholarships for having a 1320 GPA. I'm done with these dumb hos thinking their hot ** becuase there in the UAA, tehy don't deserve it.

Look you goddamn elitist co*k goblin. I don't give a f**k about your elitist bulls**t. You and you're and you're cocky "I'm so good" elitism. I don't care. The UAA is a people's conference, not for elitist scumbags from other UAA schools like NYU, Brown, or emory. Case, UIC, and Rochester, are the proletariiat of D3 and we are expropriiating the means of national qualifying from the elitist D3 elites like MIT, GIT, and RIT. No more can elitist D3 mas*hole schools like Williams, UMass Amherst, and Vermont State abuse their position in the home of D3 elitism (Boston) by running on the 194 m BU track. We are rising up and seizing the means of production. We aren't dumb, our GPAs are low b/c our labor is expropriated by the elitist by the elitist D3 runners like Ryan Cox and Aidan Ryan. Our SAT are low bec auese they are graded by elitist evil c*ck goblins from MIT. We have finnancial trouble because the means of production are taken from us and concentrated in the hands of Capitalists like Mr Carnegie Mellon. So don't give me your elitist horsecr*p, we work harder, run harder, fu*k harder, and live harder than you ever will.

This is amazing bantz, well done!

WashU = politburo, the ruling class, out of touch elites ruining everything

CMU, UC = bourgeois middle management, enemies of the people

Case, Brandeis, NYU = workers of the world

Emory = too busy getting in fights with their coach about wearing orange, i guess

Fight the real enemy! The Politburo says NO BREAD

You want a joke? I saw this kid in a washu uniform and asked my bf if he was a recruit, or if washu relaxed their walk-on standards. He said he was Nick Matteucci. He left me the next day.

This Emory deal is ripe for sh*tposting

Rumor has it that a returning traveler from China has quarantined the entire WashU men's team after a particularly "close" team tradition involving showers, fishing, and human bowling. How will this impact the points distribution this weekend?

Lol im carnegie and I accidentally ate my athletes huhahahuh

the saddest tale wrote:

You want a joke? I saw this kid in a washu uniform and asked my bf if he was a recruit, or if washu relaxed their walk-on standards. He said he was Nick Matteucci. He left me the next day.

Similar experience here. I was walking through the park with my parents and saw some scrawny kid mending the wing of an injured bird, and thought he looked familiar. My dad said it was multi-time All-American Nick Matteucci. My parents kicked me out of the house the next day.

Magic Seven Ball wrote:

the saddest tale wrote:

You want a joke? I saw this kid in a washu uniform and asked my bf if he was a recruit, or if washu relaxed their walk-on standards. He said he was Nick Matteucci. He left me the next day.

Similar experience here. I was walking through the park with my parents and saw some scrawny kid mending the wing of an injured bird, and thought he looked familiar. My dad said it was multi-time All-American Nick Matteucci. My parents kicked me out of the house the next day.

Wow, similar experience here. I was on a a segway ride the other day with my gf and saw a college-aged looking young man with a university of washington jacket on and thought he looked familiar. My gf said it was multi-time UAA conference champion Nicholas Mattegucci. She immediately left me for him and now he won't stop sending me dick pics.

But actually, word on the street is that NYU had such a flush budget this year they could afford Alphaflys for everyone. Whether or not this will affect the 5k is uncertain, but we may have a non-NYU runner bringing up the rear for the first time in 8 years. This could be an historic event, and is clearly demonstrative of how this new technology is utterly changing our sport.

nickmattegucci wrote:

Magic Seven Ball wrote:

Similar experience here. I was walking through the park with my parents and saw some scrawny kid mending the wing of an injured bird, and thought he looked familiar. My dad said it was multi-time All-American Nick Matteucci. My parents kicked me out of the house the next day.

Wow, similar experience here. I was on a a segway ride the other day with my gf and saw a college-aged looking young man with a university of washington jacket on and thought he looked familiar. My gf said it was multi-time UAA conference champion Nicholas Mattegucci. She immediately left me for him and now he won't stop sending me dick pics.

I had no idea the issue was this prevalent. Can't believe this has happened to other people. I was helping my grandma across the street last month when I saw some guy blocking traffic so that an entire retirement home could cross. My grandma told me it was Elite 90 award winner Nicholas Metal Coozie. My grandma joined the group and has not spoken to me since. My birthday was yesterday.

another observer wrote:

nickmattegucci wrote:

Wow, similar experience here. I was on a a segway ride the other day with my gf and saw a college-aged looking young man with a university of washington jacket on and thought he looked familiar. My gf said it was multi-time UAA conference champion Nicholas Mattegucci. She immediately left me for him and now he won't stop sending me dick pics.

I had no idea the issue was this prevalent. Can't believe this has happened to other people. I was helping my grandma across the street last month when I saw some guy blocking traffic so that an entire retirement home could cross. My grandma told me it was Elite 90 award winner Nicholas Metal Coozie. My grandma joined the group and has not spoken to me since. My birthday was yesterday.

Holy sh*t no way something like this happened to me! I was walking in south st louis with the mother of my child when we saw this scrawny white kid grinding it out. I said wow that guy looks like he's working i bet some college will recruit him HARD and my wife said that it was Multi time UAA athlete of the week Nick Fettuccine Alfredo. The next day she left me and I walked in on him eating my 4 month old son in his crib.

No but seriously, WashU is going to win this meet by 100 points right?

My god, I was unaware of the sheer magnitude of this conundrum. Just last week I was roller blading with my dearest mother when I witness what I believed to a newborn baby taking its first steps. My mother then instructed that it was actually 2020 indoor UAA DMR champion Neecholas Stole my Poochy. Within the span of 4 minutes and 13 seconds my mother vanished. I don't even blame her. Wherever you are Nickoli Yammagucci, take me too.

Answering my own question.

Projections before the meet:

WashU 224

Chicago 121

CMU 72

Brandeis 64

Case 61

NYU 53

Emory 29

Projections after Day 1:

WashU 221 (-3)

Chicago 105 (-16)

CMU 84 (+12)

NYU 62 (+9)

Brandeis 57 (-7)

Case 51 (-10)

Emory 44 (+15)

Bears totally dominant - they likely won't lose an event on the track. Emory surprising strong in the sprints, UC and Case both disappoint in distance. CMU lightyears off of last year's winning team; they're missing a ton of people but it probably wouldn't matter.

Hello ladies and chaps,

The one and only Ian Brooks here, reporting live from London, England. You may know me as the voice of the Armory, the Fastest Track in the British Empire.

Let's cut the bull shart. After the conclusion of the University Athletic Association Conference Championship this weekend at the New Balance Track and Field Centers at the Armory in New York City's Washington Heights, I was taking a relaxing stroll through Central Park on my way to the world renowned Laguardia Airport to catch my flight back over the pond (the pond = British slang for the Atlantic Ocean). But alas, during my saunter, I happened to spot two of the top athletes in the University Athletic Association sharing a smooch on a gondola in the Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis Reservoir (also Central Park Reservoir). I pulled out my magnifying glass, and upon further investigation I learned that these two athletic lovers were none other than Jacob Ridderhoff and Evan Yukevich!! For context, keep in mind that these two star-crossed lovers had a M A S S I V E collision in the fast section of the University Athletic Association Conference Championship Mile. As I recall, Yukevich slammed a M A S S I V E kick at the end of the race to catch Ridderhoff with 40m to go (we use meters in Britain), but cut directly into lane 1. It looked great for Yukevich to take second in the race, but Ridderhoff acquired a second wind and swung wide to pass Yukevich in a final swing of nuts. BOOM! The two runners' ankles collided, and Yukevich goes down onto his face with a thud, stumbling across the line 12sec later in a respectable 4:19.

It was clear to see that Yukevich obtained a dank concussion from this dank collision (dank is what we call dank in England), which is why I was so surprised to see him alive in Central Park. I did what any sane Brit would do - sprung into action and swam over to the gondola to interview the couple. What I learned was intriguing, and I'll get into it after these messages from our sponsors.

Apparently, Ridderhoff (a gentleman and a scholar) felt so terrible about the collision in the race, that he deemed it necessary to take Yukevich (a dirty weasel mudgrut) out on the town to make up for the unfortunate event. Both of these lads had gone to the movies, strolled through Central Park, climbed atop the Empire State Building, picked up litter on the sides of the JFK airport runways, and went to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch not once, not twice, but thrice. And to top it off, Ridderhoff offered to pay for all of the expenses (like a true gentleman and a scholar). But alas, Ridderhoff is structurally unemployed and was unable to pay for these expensive expenses. Don't fret, dear reader, a handsome young lad with calves of steel and a heart of gold swooped in to save the day. At first I did not recognize this brave soldier, but upon further investigation with my magnifying glass I discovered that it was no other than 2020 University Athletic Association Conference Men's Distance Medley Relay (DMR) Anchor (Last) Leg (Runner) Champion, Meet Record Holder in the Mile, and runner-up in the 3,000m dash (to gentleman and scholar Ryan Cutlet) Nickelback Marzipan Coochie. He whipped out his purse, pulled out his Titanium AmEx (American Express) credit card, and paid for every last expense (including 25% gratuity, even to expenses without waitstaff).

Ridderhoff and Yukevich had the best day ever. Later that evening, Yukevich's concussion overtook him, sending him into his eternal slumber.

Signing off,

The Ian Brooks

Voice of The Armory

Amateur Journalist

Hi Everyone,

It's Anthony J Azama here, the Washington University Athletic coordinator. I have a little story to tell everyone. Four years ago, I was starting my first year as athletic coordinator for the bears. On my way to campus, I was accosted by several urban youth, one holding a firearm. They asked me to hand over my briefcase, but before I could make a single move, a runner came from nowhere. The hoodlums were his friends from elementary school, and not only did he convince them to not accost me, he turned their lives around, got them jobs and a full scholarship to Saint Louis Community College. I thanked the young man profusely, but he said it was all in a days work. That young's man's name was Nicholas Matteucci.

In the four years since I met Nick (short for Nicholas), I have been continuously impressed by him. From the 176% he received on his first calculus test, to his first all American honor, to when he delivered my wives child, he has been a man of exceptional academic and athletic ability and character.

Just a couple more anecdotes about him: when he took the incredibly challenging "Engr Leadership and Team Bldg*3" class, he had a 62% going into the final. This class had the chance to ruin his perfect 4.0 GPA! But Nick realized that if he scored 169% on the test, he could get an A+ and stay on track to be an elite 80 (the smartest athlete in D3 cross country). He studied continuously for 44 hours, stopping only to train and help grandmothers cross the road. In the end, received a 170%! achieving an A+ in the class.

Coming into his third year of university, he had become extremely attractive due to his excellent lifting regime and skin care. Women were throwing themselves at him . But Nick did not succumb to the temptations of supple Freshman girls bodies. Instead, he was determined to save himself for marriage, finding the optimal mate to propagate his amazing genes. He normally rejects 6 girls a week, including some of the most attractive women in Saint Louis, but he does not waver in his commitment to purity and monogamy. He also never mastrubates: he channels all his sexual energy into pure running ability.

In the spring before his senior year of university, he had to make a challenging choice: work in Tanzania using his exceptional chemical engineering knowledge developing cheap desalination solutions, ending the possibility of drought permanently or work on a native reservation in Alaska, leading a group of recreational native women out of alcoholism and degeneracy and into the straight and narrow through running. In the end, he realized that the time zones for Alaska and Tanzania were, in fact, perfectly offset. He could work 8 hours in Tanzania, then fly over 4 hours to Alaska, work for 8 hours there, then fly back over 4 hours. He, of course, ran on a treadmill for training while flying back and forth.

All-in-all, Nick has shown incredibly character and hard work in athletics and academics. I find it really disappointing how this thread mocks him, calling him Nick "Metal Coozie" or Nick "Fettuccine Alfredo". Mocking Nick's Norweigan heritage is incredibly disrespectful, and he of all people doesn't deserve on this. Also, Nick would never, ever, eat someones baby. He, in fact, is a vegetarian and especially would never eat a baby. Finally, he would not have intercourse with anybodies wives or girlfriends. He is saving himself for marriage. He doesn't even mastrubate.

I understand that this meant is harmless fun, but is really hurtful to Nick, who is especially offended by the idea that he would eat someones baby. We at Washington University of Saint Louis would really like to see some more respect for such an incredible man from this forum.

Best,

Anthony J. Azama

ContactAD@wustl.edu

These last two posts, while they have their funny moments, are definitely missing the mark on what’s appropriate in our UAA community.

Poking fun at the way someone’s name is oft mispronounced or their positive qualities is one thing, and can provide a lot of genuine chuckles.

When you start to mix in gun violence, sexual innuendo, impersonations of an AD, and cheap shots at Evan, it comes across as crude and weird. Why are you anonymously characterizing a real person like this? The first few posts got to the joke in a shorter and way less... strangely intimate way.

Just think before you post. Have a little bit more maturity and class. In a way, you represent all of our schools when you decide to post here.

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