the real question wrote:
WTF is a "tin of spaghetti"?
Wait, are you talking about canned pasta like Chef Boyardee or whatever? This didn't occur to me at first because I'd forgotten that garbage existed.
If so, the explanation for your issue is obvious: your son is acting like he's from the ghetto because you are raising him like a ghetto kid. Good lord, take the 10 minutes to boil some water and make actual pasta.
the real question wrote:
WTF is a "tin of spaghetti"?
Maybe something like a can of Chef Boy Ardee?
His behavior isn’t really that terrible in the grand scheme. It’s attention seeking. He needs a non-destructive way to deal with his frustration. Does he play sports? Is he interested in art? He needs an outlet for his aggression.
Also at 13 kids can appear mature but still do not have the skills to cope with something of the magnitude of their mother moving away. Strict discipline will just make things worse. He’s also going through puberty so there are hormonal reasons for his aggression. He’s hurting and you need to get him help if you can’t provide it.
For the record, his sister is two years younger and doesn't give me a second of trouble. His issues have been caused by his difficult relationship with his mother.
Markmiles wrote:
Anyone else been through this?
He's 13 and has been steadily going down hill since the end of October, due to his mum moving to another country.
Regularly smashes glasses against the wall, throws heavy items down the stairs, some of his behaviour just can't be explained (throwing a tin of spaghetti all over the bathroom walls).
On the verge of giving up.
Bro, from one father to another, there's absolutely one thing you cannot ever do to your children, and that is to give up.
NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR CHILD.
Try everything and anything, but giving up on your kid is simply not an option if you consider yourself a normal human being who has a heart.
mom leaving = adverse childhood experience. He is scarred for life.
Markmiles wrote:
For the record, his sister is two years younger and doesn't give me a second of trouble. His issues have been caused by his difficult relationship with his mother.
Difficult or hard?
Have you established directly and empathetically with him that he is right in feeling his pain and that it isn't something to be ashamed of?That it is normal to grieve and feel any emotion he feels about this? That you are there with him while he is struggling to process what has happened? I would establish this before telling him whatever he is doing is unacceptable.
Do you do any type of play activities together? Emotions are stored and processed in the body. Play and physical activity that bring joy also bring catharsis. Sometimes talk therapy is difficult to access the stored emotion and really process it. Consider seeing if he wants to rock climb/taking boxing classes/go paintballing with you/hike, etc...
Did you both go together to therapy? Perhaps that would be helpful, so he sees that you are struggling too, and have his best interests at heart. 13 is a rough age no matter what. My wife and I went together with our son to see a psychologist, several times, at around the same age. It was helpful. Maybe not a permanent fix, but you live your life one day at a time.
ladeDa9 wow +1
Parenting can be so dang hard!
Just hang in there. Some good advice from the above posters.
We have two girls that are separated by two years. One is the most difficult child and the other is incredibly easy. Anyone that thinks they’re amazing parents and would have your kid on the straight and narrow in a jiffy either has no kids or was lucky and had easy kids.
Good luck. Don’t give up. My wife and I have wanted to many times but it simply isn’t a option.
Also, doing it on your own is double hard. At least my wife and I have each other to help deal. Although, dealing with a insane child is hard on a relationship it’s easier than your situation.
Get outside help!
spend a s#itload of time with him
sacrifice yourself
even if he hates you, even if he doesn't want to be with you
doesn't matter
sacrifice
mom leaving is harm that can't be undone, but people have overcome more
When you discuss the problem with him does the anger and emotion boil out of both of you? Also how many miles a week is he running?
Markmiles wrote:
Anyone else been through this?
He's 13 and has been steadily going down hill since the end of October, due to his mum moving to another country.
Regularly smashes glasses against the wall, throws heavy items down the stairs, some of his behaviour just can't be explained (throwing a tin of spaghetti all over the bathroom walls).
On the verge of giving up.
Don't give up. Look in to a 'boot camp' run by ex-army veterans. Shapes those kids up pretty quickly!
Markmiles wrote:
Anyone else been through this?
He's 13 and has been steadily going down hill since the end of October, due to his mum moving to another country.
Regularly smashes glasses against the wall, throws heavy items down the stairs, some of his behaviour just can't be explained (throwing a tin of spaghetti all over the bathroom walls).
On the verge of giving up.
Testosterone poisoning, or lack of testosterone poisoning, either way, can aggrevate rages due to his former life being messed up, disrupted or destroyed. Maturation? Mom loss? Dad's interpersonal style? School social pressures? The cure for emotional issues usually involves ramping up an even stronger healthy emotion, or medications to subdue the extremes so that "normal" life becomes tolerable. Trouble with medications is that it comes with the stigma of being sick or broken and helpless, yet those are the issues now!
Markmiles wrote:
On the verge of giving up.
Ask him why he's angry.
Is he getting bullied at school? Try homeschooling him.
Is he getting cyberbullied through social media? Check his Facebook page if he has one.
Is he getting bullied by other players in video games? Maybe you can try playing a video game with him if that helps calm him down.
I agree with other posters that Letsrun is not the place to ask for help. There are trolls here who would like to tear down your life.
Agreed, he is almost guaranteed to be having a hard time, I think 11-13 were the worst years of my life, daily fights, poor grades at school because there weren't enough maths based subjects etc. What I think he really needs is to find a good athletics club (don't know what country you are from, but here in Britain our clubs are very friendly and have a fairly good structure), and I think that might fix him. Before I took up running, every day was another drag full of despair. I thought that everyone hated me and was going to do something to hurt me in one way or another.
Best of luck
Send him to a boarding school or military academy. You may be giving him too much at home.