My teenage daughter not concentrating in school, not doing class work, and forgetting HW

Just wanted to chime in here about the possibility for ADHD or something similar. Symptoms tend to present themselves very differently in women/girls than on boys. For example, she may not be a rowdy mischief maker like we often associate with ADHD boys but instead she is disorganized, 'flighty', or generally overwhelmed by seemingly straightforward processes (and the more small steps involved, the worse; especially if she is in charge of prioritizing those steps herself). I know it's not the best resource, but there is a reddit sub r/adhdwomen that might get you started on more info.

Then again, she's a 14 year old kid, and sometimes they're just assholes for a spell.

That age you some how don't comprehend that doing well at that moment sets you up for a certain level of success during college, which sets you up for a certain quality of life the remaining 60 years of your life.

Show her some numbers and stats. What does it take to get into certain college programs, what type of job does that college program get? What kind of life are you able to live with that type of job?

Off topic, but for those who claim that LR is a cesspool that is only going further downhill with each passing day, I would like to point out that we are on the second page of a thread whose title begins with "My teenage daughter..." and no one has requested pics. That's a sign of improvement, right?

Alex87 wrote:

Off topic, but for those who claim that LR is a cesspool that is only going further downhill with each passing day, I would like to point out that we are on the second page of a thread whose title begins with "My teenage daughter..." and no one has requested pics. That's a sign of improvement, right?

Well, there was this response...

melo seeds wrote:

She probably discovered d1ck. School now seems a lot less important.

Has she ever been tested to see if she is GT? GT kids aren’t hard workers, those are high achievers. She may be bored with the content and see daily work as mundane especially if she is higher than her classmates. GT kids are usually inquisitive and will work for subjects they like and are interested in, rarely is this school work.

melo seeds wrote:

She probably discovered d1ck. School now seems a lot less important.

Probably this.

Boys and toys are way more fun than school work!

I would highly recommend some testing. You may want to get it done privately to stay out of the public school bureaucracy that comes with SPED issues. There are a lot of things that kids can get by with until they reach a certain grade. My nephew was never the best student, but was generally a bright enough kid. Around 7th grade, he would just sit and stare out the window for long periods of time instead of doing his work or paying attention. He was on track to have to repeat a grade when he finally got some testing. He has a sensory processing disorder. Basically, the world moves faster that he can keep up with. He got occupational therapy and has made great strides.

The other thing you should look into is counseling. Not getting assignments done can be a sign of depression or anxiety. 14 is when the world turns upside down for girls. Counseling with a good child psychologist can make a big difference.

Agree about positive reinforcement and being there for her, her life and her career. Supporting her. That will work.

Punishment in the home will just make her lose all motivation and not work for her own sense of responsibility or life.

I also agree about the social situation. She might be hanging out with the kind of kids who are going to end up in jail or something. Social support or lack thereof is just about all of what causes this. You or her mom need to side with her to support her career. Or her friends need to be better.

Get her a flip phone. That is all. You're welcome.

Be careful what you do. You might set her on the Path of Pure Hate. Think: Evanesence, Linkin Park, Papa Roach.

https://media.giphy.com/media/84CRvhy2DJlwA/giphy.gif

Just seeing the thread again. Really appreciate the comments. Keep them coming if you have more.

Lots of advice here, so I need to think it all out. Maybe come up with different paths to address it and see what might work.

Parenting 101

Calmly define the boundary. (studying, grades, curfew, chemicals)

Calmly define the consequence for going beyond the boundary.

Wait....

Calmly describe where your child has missed the boundary.

Calmly describe said consequence.

Calmly enforce said consequence.

Do not discuss any further. (Not an EFing word!)

Once the consequence has been delivered, ask if the spawn needs help in staying within the boundary.

Help said spawn to your hearts content.

Rinse and repeat.

Result: you don't parent out of anger. You are consistent in your discipline. You get much less anger from your spawn, they learn independence, no power plays, less drama.

Wish I had enforced this discipline more often.

Last article points to getting her involved in competitive sports or some other competitive activities like academics. Even if she's not naturally competitive it's a good confidence booster.

As far as grades, talk to her about college. For me, my parents talked about college as if it was high school. In other words it was expected I go to college. Mandatory. Don't give her the choice in this matter. If you don't have money, find out the easiest way she can get a full ride scholarship to a state school and have her practice this. It might be a minimum ACT or SAT score. It might be GPA based. Get her started on this. Honestly just set your expectations and communicate

Hello,

I've worked in school for a pretty long time. Are you sure she feel safe in there? Are her relationships with other kids OK?

Maybe it's time to visit the therapist to detect inner reasons?

I believe there is no term as "lazy student". In case it's just a lack of motivation, you can offer her to create her own schedule. Not one you do instead of her.

There's an article, maybe it will help with putting together ideas.

https://myhomeworkdone.com/blog/i-hate-my-homework/

The obvious answer is 100 mpw for 6 months. A highly functioning brain requires a massive amount of oxygen. She clearly needs to develop her aerobic system to fuel those synapses. How do you expect her to think clearly when she's breathing through a straw all the time?

Running that much will also give her the discipline she needs to succeed in life. The only side effect is that she will likely be living in your basement for the rest of her life.

"The online calendar is reviewed, homework completed, agenda checked, grades reviewed, etc."

Why do you micromanage her? Are you her Administrative Assistant? No wonder she is resisting. There is no point in her doing anything since you're doing it for her. You may as well go to class for her also. When I was 14 my parents never, ever checked that my homework was done, that an agenda was "checked," grades reviewed, etc. They knew if it wasn't done when the report cards came out.

They did not even do that when I was 11. She needs to get a bad report card and then find the motivation to do better. For me, it was my dad calmly telling that it would not be fun to fail and be kept behind with the younger kids. It worked.

This is the right answer.

Anything that says giving a middle school aged girl "more freedom" is terrible advice. She's a child. There's a reason an adult is legally responsible for a child. Their brains aren't developed nearly enough to even remotely comprehend the consequences of their actions.

Set strict boundaries and follow through with consequences when boundaries aren't met. Nothing else. And you know what? You might get somewhere as far as learning why she's not meeting expectations. "I won't do it" will become "I can't do it", and then you learn the ins and outs. Being her administrative assistant (as one poster said) clearly isn't working; there's no ownership for her.

BigTex wrote:

Get her a flip phone. That is all. You're welcome.

This. Please OP, listen to this post. Everyone will ignore it but this is the answer.