Anorexia

If you say you Feel this way，Then you Probably understand How It feels. Isnt It betteR to not eat in the First place than Try to recover and eat So much and Then Feel guilty and exercise for hours even injured？

It even changes the way I See running which used to be So different when It Wasnt about just burning calories.

I know That if I would fal injured again the First thing I would do is restrict because I know That I wont be able to burn off calories and get fat. I lost So much weigjt when I was injured，only running motivated me to get some.of my health back.

I am unhppy because I will never be able.to live in a body I like without sacrificing my health.

Its So unfair. If I choose health Then I will have to live in a fat body I hate.

Billmax wrote:

Isnt It betteR to not eat in the First place than Try to recover and eat So much and Then Feel guilty and exercise for hours even injured？

No. This is how people with bulimia do

These are some of the many signs that may indicate whether someone has bulimia nervosa:

-A fixation on the number of calories consumed

-A fixation on and extreme consciousness of one's weight

-Low self-esteem and/or self-harming

-Suicidal tendencies

-An irregular menstrual cycle in women

-Regular trips to the bathroom, especially soon after eating

-Depression, anxiety disorders and sleep disorders

-Frequent occurrences involving consumption of abnormally large portions of food

-The use of laxatives, diuretics, and diet pills

-Compulsive or excessive exercise

You need professional help. That's the only way to get out of it.

Billmax wrote:

Please dont judge me. You Probably dont know How It feels to be this way. I Feel other people are just Ao much better than me，They are able to breathe in and Enjoy life，Food. They are able to Look at something outside of themselves of their own bodies and truly love you know. Its not just about Your body and weight. Thats other people. And Then there is me. I dont wanna open myself with this and It hurts me.

Sadly, until you don't want to feel this way all of the time, there is nothing anyone can do or say to help you.

Yes I know How I feel. Since I tried to gain weight After heavy restriction I could define myself As a bulimic. Before I just didnt eat enough，It was better that way.

The only way to eat normal for me is to eat many small meals and get up from the table on a half empty stomach. I Cannot stand the feeling of being full. I hate it. I do take laxatives，

exercise to burn calories and control my body. I do restrict if I Cannot exercise.

I know But if I Go to a professional They will restrict my exercise and I physically Cannot live one day without exercise without crying.

I am mentally and physically addicted to exercise. Not even twice a day satisfies me. The thought of not doing So is umbearable to me. So I am not going to talk to someone who tells me to stop exercising. Thats the reason I didnt talk to my personal trainer anymore when He said He would restrict my exerxise.

I know that.

If I have to be healthy It means That I will forever have to live in a fat body I hate. If I want to even keep my exercise addiction I have to Eat and enough. Because not exercising feels even worse than eating itself so i prefer the pain of eating and being fat than the pain of getting So weak and not being able to exercise. As It happened before. I know exactly the weight when its gonna happen. The weight that will make me unable to do what makes me Feel good.

Its unfair.

My two cents.

I am a teacher with a lot of experience mentoring those in emotional crises ...

I read through most of this thread and it reminded me a bit of experiences i have known and observed related to severe anxiety.

Sometimes with severe anxiety we feel like we are very much trapped. You seem very trapped in your situation.

So I would let you know that YOU CAN MAKE IT through to a better place. It may take some time and some work, but you can see much improvement.

But, I think the leap of faith would be committing to seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. One helps with your thoughts and one prescribes medication. Usually most therapy offices are connected with psychiatrists.

This is your leap of faith. But this is SO MANY of our leap of faith.

I went to therapy and saved myself from anxiety back in the day.

Please believe you CAN GROW and IMPROVE. And please seek help. Make the leap. We are rooting for you.

Billmax wrote:

I know But if I Go to a professional They will restrict my exercise and I physically Cannot live one day without exercise without crying.

You know this cannot be true because there was a point in your life where this was not the case. This is something that you developed over time, and likewise, it's something that can be overcome -- over time.

Once you decide to change your behavior, you'll have to deal with a great deal of initial discomfort as you return to a healthier mental state. It will seem difficult, but the discomfort will be temporary, and it's up to you whether overcoming that discomfort is worth the end result of once again having a healthy and balanced relationship with food and most importantly yourself.

Know that many people have overcome this, many weaker than yourself, and you can too. But whether you want to believe that and in yourself is the difficult part, and the easier path is often to label yourself as weak and use that as an excuse to avoid the difficulty of making the change.

I am Sorry if you feel I like to play with this because Ireally dont. Its only normal not to understand if you are not feeling this way.

I would Rather refuse to answer So I wont play As you said. Have a good day.

Well After having seen myself How bad my health was when I was at a pretty Low weight and Everybody telling me How I needed to gain weight I said That I will Try and its about six months and managed to gain 4kg. of fat. So dont tell me I didnt Try I am eating everyday But I just CHEAT to burn As much As I can So its like I didnt eat at all. Then I eat again because I am hungry from the exercise Then I Feel guilty and you know the cycle..

But if I eat anything outside of my calculated calories of the day I Feel really really bad.

I have been in the hospital foR dyspepsia few weeks ago and said I would.never wanna Go again.

I couldnt even eat their disgusting Food because I couldnt count the calories.

The Doctor wrote me a letter to my home to come back because She wants to take blood tests But I dont wannaHome Didnt answer her at all because I dont csre to be honest.

I hate those kind of places . I want to be:home，at work，in the gym，running on country roads，cycling on country roads，hiking in the mountains，breathing the forest，looking at the Night sky，feeling the Sun.

I do not want to be:in the doctors office. I HATE does.not describe How I dont want to be there.

I want to feel:myself，not pity from other people. I want to be seen As the strong guy who cycles hundreds of kilometers a day，the way I used before. Not As weak and stupid.

I am just gonna say two things. I Feel this way and I know exactly How I can stop feeling this way. Its Exercise. Its running half a Marathon daily and not taking a Rest day. Its training twice a day and not be satisfied，not even sleep enough because I want to exercise.

People tell me I am wrong with my behaviour and my mind and They are Actually probably right，I tell myself I am fat，and I am wrong with my body.

Instead，exercise makes me Feel good in my own body，not guilty about eating when hungry，It tells me there is Nothing wrong with me and I am fine the way I AM. There is a reason why I Cannot live without it.

Since I Cannot stop that，I know That I will not respond to treatment . The least I can do is Try to eat enough and I am trying even if It means feeling this way. For now I am just gonna run It will be the Inly moment of the day will Feel myself.

Very interesting. I met a guy who was cutting himself because the pain made him feel alive and it shut out everything else. I told him, you need pain? Come join me for a run and push yourself hard, that way you get the best of both worlds.

I was your height/weight first year in college (about 48 kg), that wasn't by design, I ate a lot but couldn't keep it on easily and running compounded that fact. The most vocal critics of my weight have always been the sedentary office workers who walk around with hip and knee replacements because they never exercise and are either overweight or obese.

Sounds to me like you need a form of continuous escapism, running won't solve it as you can't do it 24/7. I've always been fixated on weight as well but only from a performance issue, also think it is healthier in the long run. Bodybuilders and bulkier people are always in danger of getting obese, in other words once they commit to being that big it's really hard to shrink later. My ideal concept is someone thin and very strong with great endurance. Like Nepalese Sherpas who can carry incredible weights and are tireless.

What professional athlete embodies the form that you want to achieve? What are you so fixated on the quantity of food intake? I get quality, we all can improve on that, but if you at optimum weight for distance running (do you even know what that is, or just don't bother?) why does that matter? There's a point too that skinny gets ugly. I admire Konstanze Klosterhalfen and she has a great physique for running, watching her is like the proverbial poetry in motion. She is unique though, I don't any other runners with BMI that can perform like that.

Also this constant worrying about how others think about you, who cares? Unless it's everyone and impacting your career, then you have a problem but it doesn't sound like it.

Last comment, are your entire life interests centered just on running and eating? No offense but maybe broaden your horizons a little? There is so much out there. I'm obsessed with running but in a way I have to be to maintain my health/fitness, other then that I constantly pursue new interests. The moment you stop reinventing yourself you are dying inside, I've seen a lot of office workers who retire and pass away in a few years or just rot inside. They defined their life by the career (nothing wrong with that but then don't retire) and had nothing to fall back on.

I have insomnia tonight lol.

"Feel myself" Does that mean being happy?

It just makes me sad That I have this permanent Injury on the soft tissue of my Left leg. It doesnt affect my running But my Doctor said I shouldt do it.

I have Mostly controlled myself not to use exercise as a way to burn calories （even tho I still do It for That purpose sometimes)because when I was injured I got to See the value of running in itself. I also stopped restricting like before because I have seen what a bad effect It has had on my passion of running.

Yes Running is an insatiable escape foR me. I am Currently carbo loading eating only carbs because I am planning to run Deep into the outback on Sunday and will not have any Food and water with me （I can drink from lakes）and will need to rely on stored glycogen. I have tried more to reshift my focus to fitness and performance than weight and Yes at the moment Unlike before when was underweight I am at Ideal Marathon weight just above 50kg. But doesnt mean I Feel good. I Feel fat，true I am healthier but every day I want my old body back every day even if I looked ugly. You say who cares you are Probably right running feels better than a number on the scale. If this weight makes me run I prefer the pain of being fat than the pain of being injured again because I am weak and Cant Run.

I can only show you the picture of what athlete inspires me，I have the picture on my phone to inspire me every day of my life.

I have this chronic Injury which disappears during running and will come back after. This doesnt stop me from training Hard every day.

I stopped running in the gym because I want to exercise in private without that bitc* of receptionist judging my volume and intensity of my exercise. In the mountains I just love the sight of an open country road，Listening to my favourite music and just Run free. I want to See the World，something outside myself，my data，numbers and weight.

Me too because I couldnt stop thinking about the 10K I had to put in before work.

I dont know if means being happy，But feeling good in my own skin.

If It Wasnt for running I would.never have given up the body and weight I had in favour.of health. One day I will lose all the weight again when i will not be able to run anymore，but until i can run i will feed my body.

I just ate 2 enormous chunks of homemade buttery shortbread doused in confectioners sugar. My advice is that you take an interest in cooking your own food. Plan, shop and partake in the act of cooking which is an essential part of eating. It will nourish your psyche.

Sure, but we all have to deal with injuries and when you get older it's no longer temporary.

Sounds sensible that you don't use exercise as a way to burn calories given your predilections. I do it because in theory it allows me to eat more than I'm supposed to, but that doesn't work.

There are a few things I still don't understand. Can you elaborate what "feeling fat" means at 110 lbs.? What are the origins of this sentiment, does it go back to childhood? And what do you mean by "I am weak and Cant Run"? Can't run fast? Efficiently? Get tired? What?

Made me laugh on the comment about the receptionist. Again, what matters primarily is your ability to maintain yourself financially, then health, etc., at the very bottom of the list is what people think of you. The most vocal critics are often the people with the greatest self confidence issues.

You ended on a nice positive note. I love to travel and you meet so many interesting people, you also realize how many are struggling in different ways. A lot of runners get obsessed with numbers (e.g., data), it's useful to a point but I always ask myself "is this adding real value?".

Hilarious. I try to remember what it feels like after eating stuff like that to dissuade myself but sugar is such a powerful drug sometimes.

You're right about cooking, I try about 25 new recipes a year and explore many different cuisines. Part boredom, part fascination. Favorites are Thai, Japanese, Italian and Moroccan.

Mencken1976 wrote:

Last comment, are your entire life interests centered just on running and eating? No offense but maybe broaden your horizons a little? There is so much out there. I'm obsessed with running but in a way I have to be to maintain my health/fitness, other then that I constantly pursue new interests. The moment you stop reinventing yourself you are dying inside, I've seen a lot of office workers who retire and pass away in a few years or just rot inside. They defined their life by the career (nothing wrong with that but then don't retire) and had nothing to fall back on.

Just curious on what some of these other hobbies are. I'm also looking to "broaden my horizons".