Anorexia

I am sorry. What can I say I know that okay？

Yes you have been trying to help me in here and yes I have been mean with you. I am mean I should probably say that ，with every single person trying to help me.

I didnt wanna continue this post at all，because other people say That I am 'crying for help' in here. Well no That is exactly why I want to be alone. Let me Go to the gym. I wanna cry there not in here . I dont want to be hurt by people who dont understand me at all. I dont need it. I Feel fat and That hurts. I would say enough for me. And same goes for you. i dont want to hurt other people. I made a misTake for making this thread. And I dont like mistakes. I demand perfection from myself. And That includes not letting share of any feelings. That includes not feeling.

Do you know How I Feel every time I eat？My best guess is Probably not.

I do Eat not enough But I do.

I am Sorry about hearing what happened to you. But I am not surprised that the psychiatric system has not been fair to you.

You know. I really have no belief in anything that is human. I Left the city. I Left my family before my studies ended so That my disordered existance does not have to involve anyone.

I work and live in the countryside. In Northern Finland where I can be away from cities and breathe with no judgement from others. From people. I do have people to talk to if Thats what you ask me.

But I dont believe anyone loves me. I dont have real people.

I have a job. I have a gym membership. But Apart from my work where I am obliged to interact with people. Apart from my gym receptionist. Believe me I have no desire to talk with anyone bexause people hurt me.in the past. And I never wanna Feel That pain again. I just wanna be alone all the time.

I spend all my free time in the gym. I wanna Feel pain in my bones.

I want to Feel hungry because It doesnt let me Feel anything. otherwise I would not live this way. Its my way to shut down everything.

Its true. If you shut down everything That means both the good and the bad. But It means everything and its my way to cope with feelings tho a bad one. Yeah Probably Hard to understand if you Cant Feel this way. And I Hope you never have to Feel that.

You say it is heartbreaking. That is because you have feelings. But I dont. Its hard to describe not feeling anything.

I have been eating more than normal These last 3 days because I really wanna run and I hate to Feel So weak. I forced myself. Believe me. I say With force，even crying because I didnt want. Its against my will. I hate it in myself. I hate How It feels. You know when you are not hungry and you swallow food down your throat. Its So morally wrong. 3 very big meals. Today I also ate protein along with the carbs So I really had to feel it.

I dont even wanna tell you how i feel now. I want to run tomorrow and burn all these calories i dont wanna have them inside me.

I will Wake up Tomorrow. I will get rid of all These calories. Because I dont want them.

Every time I Try to eat to gain weight I end up this way. I Feel So miserable I turn into a bulimic freak. So its just easier not to eat enough in the First place. It feels better Really.

This is my body and I will have to accept It because I cannot gain weight. Because I dont want calories Inside myself.

I know you are Probably part of an amazing running.community，where you run because you want to Push the limits of Your own body. Not to burn calories. You all had the best intentions. Even tho you dont understand me doesnt mean I have to be mean you Cant be in my head After all. Thats not Your fault. Dont waste Your tine with me. I have tried It already to waste time with myself. I will get rid of theM. I dont want These calories. I wont stop thinking about It until They are gone.

I just wanna say That I Feel I have been very mean. I am sorry. Thank you for trying to help me. Mxmas. R.Marco

Hi Billmax,

A loved one of mine is recovering from bulimia (after a lot of therapy visits and doctor's appointments), I think it's been 6 months since she purged through vomiting or exercise after several years of bulimia.

She physically felt mostly fine during her years of bulimia. The obsession with food, how food felt in her body, how she couldn't get a meal out with friends or take a piece of cake on her birthday, and the feeling of eating controlling all aspects of her life were the things that drove her to start therapy and treatment. Once she started treatment she was surprised to learn that her heart was unhealthy due to her eating disorder.

Are you happy with your relationship with food? My guess is no, given that your posting here about it. You do not need to feel this way forever - you can change your relationship with food. That is what therapy is about, not just someone telling you to eat more. I guarantee it's possible for you to run just as well as you are now (probably better) AND not have an obsession with food damaging your life and relationships WHILE ALSO making your body healthier so you can live a long and healthy life. If you want this - talk to a therapist or doctor ASAP.

Merry Christmas

I just read through this thread. Look, I am by no means a doctor, I have no advice to give, no expertise at all. I don't know what has happened in your past to cause you to not feel anything now, but I am very sorry for that. What I do know is that everyone who's taken time to respond to this thread cares about your well being and wants you to feel better. We may not understand exactly what you're going through, you are the only one who does. But none of us are wasting our time with you, you haven't hurt any of us. All we want for you is to feel better, however that may happen. You mentioned you do have people you can talk to, but don't think they love you. Chances are, if they are willing to listen to you, they probably love you or at least are interested in your health. If you don't want to see a doctor, although that might be good, see those people. If you don't want to or can't talk to those people, find someone else. If you can't find someone else, at least keep posting here so we know what's going on. Whatever you do, don't suffer alone. Even if it's just strangers on the internet halfway around the world, there are people that care about you.

Merry Christmas

Hi，

I am Sorry to hear that because I know How painful It feels. Personally I have not struggled So much with bulimia tho intermittently，But more with caloric restriction. It is only when I Try to eat more to get better for my Sport performance That I behave this way. Like a bulimic. Yesterday I ate something I wouldnt normally Eat. I wAs feeling very bad，ashamed to say But I went Home alone and didnt wanna See anyone and Yes I was crying in bed. I wanted to vomit But It was too late. So I took two doses of laxatives. I didnt weigh myself because I am So afraid. I think I Cannot do that now.

I have no problem with Food Controlling my Life enough to start therapy. But I have a problem when I Feel my passion of running is being taken away.

Because running is the only thing That makes me See How It feels to live. It gets me out of my mind，and Lets me Feel So free.

When I was injured and couldnt run to burn calories that was the moment I started to See the Intrinsic value of running in itself. Getting back to Run again felt Amazing I Cannot describe That in words.

I know I have a weak body That will predispose me to injury again. I still havent fully healed from my old one tho It does not interfere significantly with my training. I can only Feel the problems of my body. Because when I See myself in the mirror all I See is fat.

I am going to restrict my calories again today. Because I Feel fat.

It feels very painful and you are Probably right，That I should Go to See a therapist. But you know something，I dont like them.

Just dropped in to say Thank you. I Feel I should not have involved.you in this and Feel very selfish about that. But Thank you. I think.its a long story about what has happened to.me dont worry about.it at all.

But I knew I should have registered to a running forum because you would have been a more positive influence on me to tell..you the truth My mother would kill me，if She knows That I am registered to one leading pro-ana website That is because We can understand each other what people who dont Go through Cant understand But at the same time It does trigger weak minds. I mean some of the advixes on These website. So I said I would Maybe come Here for a While，and read through running tips and training advice.

It was my dream Marathon running and I still Cannot accept That my body is.too weak for that because I dont See that. When people tell me I am too thin I dokt See that. My personal trainer said that I am too weak and not me So I keep training and running 10km. everyday. Tomorrow I will run 15km. at least not much because of marathon training and not even to burn calories because I find It easy to restrict Food. But because I need It for my mind. Because I want to.

You are Probably right about talking with other people. But its something I dont want to bother anyone with. And still Feel guilty about posting this because I think its selfish.

Just wanted to say Thank you to everyone. I Wish you a Happy new year of healthy running and to keep doing what you love until the end of Your days.

You need to go to a counselor, or a doctor, or a therapist, or some sort of medical professional. Deliberately restricting food intake is dangerous, and considering how severely you said you're restricting and how much activity you do, you need help as soon as possible.

I've never had this issue to the same degree as you, but I've done similar things before I knew better and I promise it doesn't help you and it's not even remotely worth it. Your performance will not improve, running will feel harder, managing your emotions will be extremely difficult, and there are physiological consequences of doing this that can not only force you to stop running but make even basic tasks like walking feel overwhelming.

If you're using restriction to cope with other issues in your life, first of all, I'm sorry that you're under that much stress. However, although you might think restricting helps, it actually creates more stress, even if you don't notice it; being hungry makes people more emotionally sensitive, so they get stressed and then find a way to cope. If you come by restricting, it creates a vicious cycle. You need to find a better coping mechanism. Art, music, reading, yoga, whatever works for you that's a safe activity.

Gaining weight will not make you run slower. In fact, given that you've said your weight was (and is) really low, it would probably help you run faster. Restricting does NOT make you run faster. My 5K time increased by 2-3 minutes when I was restricting. As soon as I started eating normally (meaning until I wasn't hungry anymore, WITHOUT counting any calories), my times went back to normal and then I PRed. You cannot run well if you're not eating enough. A few years ago, a couple of people I know from races had anorexia; their bone density dropped so much that they got stress fractures and missed a full year of running. As you can imagine, that was the exact opposite of helpful for running faster. Last year they came back, after recovering from anorexia and slowly getting back into training, and both PRed.

Stop obsessing over numbers. This was the biggest problem for me. I'm very data-oriented so when I fell into the eating disorder trap, I counted everything meticulously. This is one of the hardest things to correct because it really comes down to your willingness to correct it. You've probably heard this before, but I'm going to say it anyway: you are more than a number. You are the only person who cares about your weight or whatever. Other people don't see any of that when they look at you. They see YOU, and they're probably pretty worried about you, even if they haven't brought it up (it can be an uncomfortable topic that people don't like to bring up with others, even if they're very obviously struggling). If you won't try to recover for yourself, recover for them - family, friends, teammates, anyone. They need to you be happy, healthy and safe, and the restricting can never be a part of that.

PLEASE get help. Please. I promise it gets better if you recover. People have probably been telling you that, but from someone who's been there: it really does get better. It won't be easy, but when you do it, you'll never regret it. I really believe you can do it, you just need to believe in yourself. Find someone to help you do it and hold you accountable, because at first it feels really difficult but it gets progressively easier until it becomes second nature. Please be kind to yourself, you don't deserve to feel this bad. Be safe and I really hope everything gets better for you :)

You said you have gone through this before，you understand me then. When I say that I cannot eat more，I really cant because I cannot stand how guilty it makes me feel. I wanted to be fast，untouchable and run forever . All my life. But unlike before Every time I run，I feel fear that I will break something in my body . It doesnt matter how weak i feel，I see fat. That is how I feel.
I have been having chronic RSI injury as my doctor called it for over a year now and kept running on it，I completely felt heartbroken by how I feel. I hate God because of what It did to me，because It gave me this injury when running meant everything to me. I know that with every run i will destroy my body，I am aware of that But i cannot stop because the pain of not exercising is umbearable. I cant stand to sit down with myself，I cant stand to feel that pain and I will keep running until my legs will break. God just hates me and I say to him，the same way you broke my heart i will destroy myself. Take me my legs if yiu want me to stop otherwise i look forward，and I will not stop. I will do exactly like you do，I will destroy myself，I will Run injured，I wont eat enough，at least we are together. Thats what I say. Because running was the greater passion of my life. I didnt use running to burn calories in the past，I was running because it felt good. I feel bad，anxious，depressed.. i go run. Whatever i feel running makes me escape that. Besides，Running gives me that sense of control over my body. It was a couple bad days i was running 18km. a few days ago，10km. on most days of the week 15km. yesterday then did some squats at home and went back to the gym after lunch to burn belly fat and target the core muscles. Thats my only way to cope with life. It makes me so emotionally numb that I dont feel any emotional pain.
Anorexia is the answer，to stop feeling the pain I received from people in the past. Now，today whatever you say to me i am untouchable because i have become emotionless. I am not willing to feel again. And recover.
Today i woke up so miserable and exhausted. I couldnt get out of bed because my muscles hurt so much. But i couldnt stand that pain，of not exercising，not burning the food with meaningful exercise，not feeling that amazing feeling of relief only running can give me. I laced up.
I dont think i am getting help because I am afraid that I will be forced to stop exercising. I am not able to stand that pain at the moment. To me exercise means my escape from every pain. Including guilt.
After i went to the doctor because of my overuse injury and then went again to stay a night in the hospital because of dyspepsia，my doctor called me again now and wants to take some blood tests she said but i just dont wanna go i am afraid that she will find out. She is not stupid.
You are so kind，and I should probably say thank you.. But I think you are wasting your time with a person like me. I am a bad influence especially to you because you struggled with something very similar. I think you are a very strong person，and I admire your ability to eat whatever you want without feeling guilty. Its amazing. So beautiful.

I understand that you're not willing to stop running. If you do go to a professional for help (which really is best, because they learned how to help with these kinds of issues), you could work out a sort of compromise with them in making a plan to help you recover while still allowing you to run. This isn't really common because of the physical dangers caused by undereating, but they might be willing to let you try it if you talk honestly with them.

If you're not willing to go to a professional yet, you might be able to make some progress on your own. It isn't ideal but it can be a good place to start until you feel ready to ask for help. You said before that when you run it makes you feel more okay about eating, so maybe start just trying to eat a bit more one day a week (it might be easiest to do on a day you do your longest run of the week). Don't count anything, the numbers don't matter, just try adding an extra snack that you like. When you feel comfortable doing that, you could try doing it two days a week, and so on. You also mentioned you don't like to feel not hungry; if you've been restricting for a while you might start to feel less hungry even without eating much food. If this is a problem for you, it might be easier to eat foods like peanut butter (or almond/sunflower butter if you're allergic), avocadoes, or olive oil; they help you recover from workouts, but you don't have to eat a large amount of them, so you won't feel super not hungry.

Protein is really important; it will help you recover from workouts better and prevent you from getting injured again. If you don't eat meat, there are plenty of other protein sources you can try, like beans, tofu, protein powder, nuts, nut/seed butter, lentils, eggs, and yoghurt. There are a lot of great recipes out there, so you can try a few and find your favourites.

You mentioned that you tried to focus on eating for performance - that's fantastic! It's a really great motivator for getting better. One of the things that helped me the most was seeing how professional athletes eat, since they're obviously doing something very right to be at the elite level. I know that Emma Coburn posts what she cooks sometimes, and it isn't always what you might expect from a professional marathoner - like once she made cookies with marshmallows - but that just goes to show it's all about balance. Yes, if you want to compete at a high level, you should eat mostly healthy food, but there are two other factors involved: 1) you need to eat enough to maintain any benefits you get from training, and 2) moderation really is important; eating only "healthy" food all the time really isn't very healthy mentally. Another really great resource is the "Run Fast, Eat Slow" book that Kvothe mentioned before. It has tons of great recipes, so you'll be able to find something you like.

When you start to get better, you might be surprised at how much your performance increases. You won't feel really tired or sore all the time, you'll be able to run faster and it won't feel as difficult, so you'll be able to enjoy your runs that much more. You said you're afraid of gaining weight, and I know this is one of the hardest parts of recovering, but you really should stop weighing yourself. This might be easier if you do it slowly - for example, have one day a week you don't weigh yourself, and when you get used to that try two days a week and so on. After a while you won't even think about it; you'll be too happy about how much your running has improved :)

The most important thing in this is to remember to be nice to yourself; you might not feel great right now, and that's okay. You're still an amazing person, and I'm insanely proud of you for even thinking about getting better. It's hard, but you're so strong that you did it anyway, and you should be proud of that. Remember that recovery isn't always linear progress; there might be days where you make a mistake, and that's fine, because we're all human and we make mistakes. That's how we learn. If something doesn't go the way you wanted it to, remember that you can try again tomorrow; figure out what happened so you can avoid the same problem next time. Overall progress is more important than one day, and you deserve to get better, see your performances improve, and feel happier. No matter what, never give up on yourself - I sure won't because I know you can do this :)

Find yourself an amazing cook, revel in the bounty and live.

Do you have family nearby? The reason I ask is that the best evidence for treating eating disorders is family therapy. You almost need to have a parent go back to the time they were providing basic nutrients, love, and support to the person to begin recovery.

I dont know how to thank you for just wanting to help me，You understand the mentality and its not easy at all sometimes i just cant even stand myself and i say the food is there let me know when you wish to eat. it doesnt take much to eat an avocado does itI say that because i was buying them to trick myself to eat without feeling full but then i panicked when i thought about calories and i said ok i will count the calories i need to maintain my current weight and eat that.

I managed to be pretty successful with the help of my old personal trainer to get myself out of the high 40s Kg. and into the low 50s kg. He was pissed every time i exercised and restricted food. He said that i was not looking nice，my performance was bad（i could not run at the time because i was injured）and that i needed to eat a lot of meat. He was a body builder actually but was so obsessed with me eating meat，every time he would ask me if i ate meat besides fruit and grains.

Anyway what he explained me from a sports perspective motivated me to eat more just to gain the minimum weight necessary of Body Mass Index 18.5. I refused to gain more than that that was my compromise but i still feel quite weak at BMI 18.5 is that even normal.. Maybe its because my original weight was 60kg. Thats where my body probably wants to be but BMI 22 is fat for me. Its truei felt healthier but i would be very unhappy to have a life with 60kg. What i mean is that i managed to gain weight to a much healthier level. This morning i was 52.5kg. Deep down i was happy that i am finally not underweight on an empty stomach，even tho everything inside me wants to see the 40s again i said i finally recovered to 52kg. But i didnt really get out of the mindset if you know what i mean. I still think about everytime i est about the calories i am consuming，I worry that i am fat ad shabby looking，I measure everything i was putting a slice of bread on the food scale this morning and then i gave myself permission to eat another slice because i was hungry and did not weigh more than 100g. the slice. I can say that to you but i wouldnt be comfortable saying that to a professional. I dont know if you saw the comment of that guy but he said that i do this because i want attention and i want to feel victim. I dont want people to think that so i just wont say. right now physically i wouldnt say i feel good because i still feel bones when i run and walk. I can feel that. But at least not like before. My current BMI is considered normal. Finally but i feel fear to get any fatter than this. I am obsessed with weight and self control. I feel so guilty right now because i just came back from running which was amazing but what requested was a huge amount of food. I was eating until i was not.hungry anymore and.not. by grams on the scale. Even tho i know what i ate，160g. of Wholegrain pasta，four tablespoons of.olive oil two zucchini two bananas some pineapple and a kiwi with yoghury. That is a huge amount that my body requested ，even tho i burned about 600 calories i still feel uncomgortable eating this much but at least i am not feeling full and could eat more but i am afraid.

As I had three days off work i just couldnt control my exercise fhese days today i.completed almost 40km. of my three day run streak and felt pretty ok to.change my diet to eat almost only starchy carbohydrate ，cut protein to a minimum so i dont feel full and cut fats too. Its this way of eating that i can mostly tolerate，eat grains at every meal with a few egg whites to make sure i get some protein but i moslty eat my calories from carbs so i dont feel full. I used to avoid eating pasta at dinner but since i have been running more than usual these days i allowed myself to do that and i also slept so amazing to eat carbs at dinner too.

I am sorry but i wont listen to anyone who tells me to stop.or even reduce my running. Because they dont understand the pain that not running makes me feel. Its not only about calories，its because it has a very therapeutic effect on me. I feel so calm and released from pain afterwards.

Today i was running by the southern road along the woods and lakeland，at dawn it was so amazing to see the sun rise，to look something outside of me，something so real and beautiful.

Its the most beautiful feeling in the World you know. To see the light of dawn and run free on an open country road. I cant give up that even if it means recovery and i confessed i did think about the calories i burned. I am guilty of that despite how good running makes me feel

I live overseas for work and because i just got tired of city life，away from people i want to be in the mountains and see trees when i wake up. Exerxise In private without people judging me.

I dont want to talk with my family，because I dont think They love me for who I AM. I am fine because I dont Feel like a burden to anyone. I dont need to bother them.

Its Hard because I dont really See Food As a source of pleasure. But fuel for my exercise，I Try to get all the nutrients I need without exceeding my calorie Limit. didnt do That for a few days I mean counting calories and It makes me Feel bad. But I resisted the urge and focus on fitness Instead As It does a pretty good Job to take.my mind out of this. If I know I exercised at least I dont Feel As guilty about eating normal or even mor if hungry

ive been going through a similar thing, though not as severely

Its pretty bad. I am Sorry That you got into this. My workmate talked to me That He suffered Anorexia before. I Dunno why He told me that its sucha personal thing to say.

Maybe He noticed some of my bwhaviour with exercise or with Eating. I Hope noone else finds out

Are you still debating with yourself about wether or not you have a eating disorder?

I think it would be good for you to stop debating and admit it.

I was bingeing by the time I was 10, starving myself by 18 and barfing and bingeing by 19. By the time I was 21. I was back to a approximately reasonable level of food and exercise behavior. The isolation issues and anxiety and all that comes with it got a lot better too. That was a long time ago.

I like to eat, but I got addicted to the feeling of eating when I'm really really hungry, which means fasting. obviously not good for running or health if you're doing that a lot. so my weight drops and drops. but I'm hoping I'll stop doing it and it won't go on forever

NotPC wrote:

A made up "disease" that only affects affluent teens.

This is just ignorant. The symptoms of eating disorders may be more specific to people from affluent areas , but it certainly should not be qualified as "made up". The idea of it being a disease just follows along the lines of wether or not Alcoholism or compulsive gambling are diseases. Not really the central issue to the health factors and consequences of it, emotional , mental and physical, which again, aren't "made up".