Hi guys,I dont know how to explain this. But i am struggling... I have not been to the doctor to discuss this,but i think my old personal trainer noticed my disordered eating patterns when he told.me to stop running until i gained a weight of 52kg. for my height of 166cm.. It all started years ago,when I wanted to lose weight to become faster. To me running meant everything God what would i have done for It. I lost 10kg+ from 60kg. to 50kg. I kept losin weight because i did not adjust my nutrition to my Marathon training. Then i got underweight. Last summer i got injured. My body was so weak. When i couldnt run i lost weight because i felt guilty every time i ate since i wasnt burning everything. I got down to 48kg. Everyone kept telling me i was so thin. When on the inside i was feeling fat. Only running... only my unconditional love for running has let me eat again and gain the weight back to 51kg. when i returned to run. But that was before. I cannot describe that feeling when I returned to Run. God it was the most beautiful feeling in the World. It is my everhthing,the reason I want to live.
I tried to shift my focus to running performance and force myself to eat enough nut i always end up eating less thsn i burn. Its simple because i cant eat enough.
I realized my weight loss is not about marathon weight at all. I am below marathon weight and if it was about that i would be determined to take action to improve my condition.
My weight loss is my way to control my body,it gives me a sense of control noone can take away from me. When I feel hungry,starving i feel powerful i have no feelings. i cant think.of anything else. Feel no pain.
i am not able to maintain a healthy and ideal marathon weight. After restricting and exercising i lost back to 49-50.5kg. I weigh myself every day,my height 166cm. Weight 50.1kg. as of today.
As much as i love the feeling of an empty stomach,i love running more and as a runner it is my duty to make choices in the best interest of running. I tried not.to think about and force myself to eat more,today and yesterday. I feel so guilty. I hate to have food in my stomach. When I eat i feel everything. I miss the feeling of an empty stomach. I miss to feel that.
I dont know what to do.