I tried to shift my focus to running performance and force myself to eat enough nut i always end up eating less thsn i burn. Its simple because i cant eat enough.
I realized my weight loss is not about marathon weight at all. I am below marathon weight and if it was about that i would be determined to take action to improve my condition.
My weight loss is my way to control my body，it gives me a sense of control noone can take away from me. When I feel hungry，starving i feel powerful i have no feelings. i cant think.of anything else. Feel no pain.
i am not able to maintain a healthy and ideal marathon weight. After restricting and exercising i lost back to 49-50.5kg. I weigh myself every day，my height 166cm. Weight 50.1kg. as of today.
As much as i love the feeling of an empty stomach，i love running more and as a runner it is my duty to make choices in the best interest of running. I tried not.to think about and force myself to eat more，today and yesterday. I feel so guilty. I hate to have food in my stomach. When I eat i feel everything. I miss the feeling of an empty stomach. I miss to feel that.
I dont know what to do.