Experience with Being Cheated On

Accept it and stay together.

You’re likely to end up in divorce anyway.

Some couples are a great team together except for in the bedroom. I know...and divorce for us is not the answer. We are both content and happy. 27 years this November.

I have a similar experience. My sister would go out once a week with her married friend. She seemed prudish until she got a few drinks in her. My sister would say she’d get all worked up by the end of the night and complain she’d have to go home to her skinny, small penis husband to satisfy her. I decided to join them one night when I was in a dry spell. Easiest lay ever and boy was she a freak in the sack. Let me put in anywhere I wanted.

Dude I would run before marriage and kids are in the equation. A good person doesn’t do this. Be glad you found this out now and not 15 years into marriage with three kids. Run! Run! Run!

Cool you got the third hole (aka the best option).

Married chicks cheat as much as guys do. Fact.

I’ve been there. It’s tough. As others have said, don’t feel like you need to make a decision overnight. Try to hold yourself together and see where you’re at in 2 to 4 weeks.

My only advice is to make a decision and stick with it. If you stay with her this whole thing can never be brought up again. Even in a drunken once a year argument (fight) you can’t hold this against her.

You either truly forgive her and move on or get out. Anything in between and you’ll bleed out slowly.

Best of luck.

Watch the video “walking in the rain” by Oran Juice Jones.

He was a former marine I believe.

Anyways, just like I’m the video,

Pack her boxes and get her a$$ out ASAP.

You deserve better. No excuse for cheating.

Dump her please!

Enjoy your freedom.

Now you can run whenever you like.??

Take a chill pill wrote:

Accept it and stay together.

You’re likely to end up in divorce anyway.

Some couples are a great team together except for in the bedroom. I know...and divorce for us is not the answer. We are both content and happy. 27 years this November.

Love this post.....as my story has a twist:

I was the most monogamous guy for 11 years of my 18 year marriage. Zero indiscretions. But except for the first 3 years of marriage, all that time my wife took me for granted , and still does. Next to zero sex, loads of guilt-trips and little affection. Meanwhile, we have a super stable life, 3 kids, great house, excellent jobs. I still run everyday. I will never divorce her. Indeed, deep down I love her a lot, but after being ignored sexually and emotionally, I wandered about 7 years ago. We are still "devoutly"married, but I have had 4 long-term affairs, one for over 5 years. Quite frankly, the sexual adventures have been amazing, and if I am honest, my marriage is better because of all of them. I would guess I have had sex outside my "monogamous" marriage about 1000 times in the past 7 years....All with married or formally married women. All who are desperate for something more than they had. I have had some amazing relationships with these people--often just once or twice a week, --all with ladies who I have been honest with about my situation. You think women give two shits about other women's feelings in the world of relationships? Think again. I know each of these women would have loved me to leave my wife-- but I won't because my relationship (as being a father in a stable family is more important).

All I will say to those prudes on this thread, get over it. Life is complicated. I never wanted to cheat, but I do. After kids, life gets even more complicated.. .and to the OP, forgive the girl. She made a mistake, she admitted it. Don't sweat it.

I expect the hoards of self-righteous will slaughter me now, but those who have been through what I have been through, I hope you will be enlightened. Be brave. There is a world beyond what you live now....

This is probably a more complete answer than all the folks telling him to dump her immediately. I'm not saying staying with her is for sure the right answer, but life IS complicated, indeed. Infidelity rates are high, divorce rates are high, and finding someone you love who loves you back is extremely hard. I was in a relationship with a girl who had a crazy high sex drive and basically accepted six months into the relationship that she would probably cheat on me at some point. I went through that process mentally before it ever happened. And, truth be told, I think it did happen, ONCE, but I don't know for sure. The relationship ended for reasons completely unrelated, but I honestly accepted she would probably cheat and accepted I would stay with her even if she cheated once a year for the rest of our lives. The rest of the relationship was good enough to justify it for me, and I figured her risk of cheating was just one side to a double-edged sword; the other side being that she gave me incredible, passionate sex about 7-10 times per week.

FWIW, I cheated once in my life, and it made me feel so horrible I swore I would never do it again, and I haven't. I don't think I would unless I ended up in a situation like the one described in the post I quoted.

What is the right thing to do is really impossible for anyone (including you) to know. Think about it hard, judge her character, and make a decision. But please do understand that there's no definitively correct answer.

Finally two posts that actually tell the truth. Wow. Been there in both situations.

Most Definitely Not My Typical UserName wrote:

Seeing if I can give it a few weeks and see how things evolve organically; recognizing I'll unlikely be able to 100% trust her (or anyone else) ever again, I hope it will give me the ability to assess whether I can possibly get to that 99% level.

Hear me out, but I think that 100% trust is actually not so great for a relationship. (We can quibble about what 100% really means, but I think a lot of people who say they have 100% trust actually have something more like 99.9%.) I think the only way that you can be totally certain about somebody is if you're taking them for granted and not respecting that they're a free person with agency, who has the option of leaving you every single day. It doesn't matter how good their character is or how seriously they take their vows; you should approach your relationship as though you have to give your partner a reason to choose you all over again, every day.

I would definitely ignore anyone who tells you that you with certainty that you should run. All people do shitty things to each other sometimes. Anyway, there's no obvious answer here. Infidelity is really common. Lots of relationships recover from it; lots don't. I'm a bit older than you, and I have lost count of the number of friends who have been through it, from both sides. The good news is that if you end up splitting for good, you haven't derailed your life. Men who get divorced later in life tend to struggle.

People that have affairs.

How do you know the person won't be an idiot and try mess up your life?

Even when I was single I was afraid of crazies , maybe too much.

After talking with my wife for a few years about trending toward longer and longer PNSO and not really growing past it, I told her I was no longer holding my self to monogamy. Things perked up but we are still a big mismatch. She basically admitted to never having an itch the other day. It's never going to be priorty to her. Not much difference between sex together and masturbating. I do appreciate how she has handled the discussions and her efforts but I seem to be in the misdemeanor crowd , the more I miss the meaner I get(or depressed).

I worry about a potential mistress following me home, especially bothering me in front of my kids. Also the husbands? How do you know they won't go beserk? I am not really into deceiving anyone, and prostitutes won't work for me. Single women seem more likely to want attachment, and they have all the choices anyway. If the woman says she has worked it out with her husband do you believe it?

I hear that 45% of people or a certain age, are at least not completely hostile to extramarital sex. Hard to imagine.

Good for you speaking about this to your wife. Some wives accept the bargain, meanwhile others, like my wife, won't even talk about it. Nada. Bury their heads in the sand. So frustrating, but one has to live their own life...so you just act, and shut your mouth. You will feel guilty for months, but then that goes away. Trust me, it does--and I am a guilty type of guy. Your marriage, surprisingly, will get better, and then the affairs will become part of your life. I won't lie, it is a bit of a juggling act, and you need to lie (or white lie) now and again. I am ok with it, as my life is really rich now. I have my home life at least 5-6 days a week (and my relationship with my wife is civil and the kids are well looked after), but I have something to look forward to once a week. I also try to take a trip or two a year for weekend with the mistress. These are amazing--I do them around work travel to avoid detection.

To answer the safety question--and it is a good one-- go for divorcees with small kids (5-15). They have been there, done that. If the kids are too young, there is always babysitting issues etc.... Remember, these ladies got divorced for a reason, and their kids are #1 in their lives. But they are not nuns, and many have hyper, but unfulfilled sex drives. This keeps you safe and active; and the ex is usually not around, or nutso, as they have moved on too.

For 18 years of marriage I received zero (literally) oral sex. now I get it it whenever I want, with ladies who into it. I have never paid for sex once. Although going for dinner and drinks is part of the equation. Also I have noticed women over 40 are extraordinarily good in bed after a divorce. No joke. Way less reserved.

Sure, some ladies will want more than a long term, ritualistic weekly fling (and maybe that is where things need to go)...but be clear with them at all times. Be precise about your needs and wants. Don't talk about your wife much, but make it clear she is part of your life at times, and that you will not leave your wife until the kids are gone (or whatever). You will be surprise how many women will be receptive. Again, I have had 5 affairs in 7 years--all really good. One for a long time--and it is still great. Two more casual affairs, where I have sex maybe 5 times a year with these ladies....Only one was a bit nutso, and she was single (not a divorcee).

So stay with the ladies who have been there, done that.

Ok. Life is complicated. I’m glad you feel like your marriage is better off. But I don’t know why you think you’d be facing the judgment of “prudes.” Prudes might frown on swinging, polyamory, etc.

But the issue in your case is less about offending someone’s sexual sensibilities. You implied (if never overtly stated) something about massive, ongoing, unrepentant dishonesty. No one is totally honest, but 1000 sexual encounters isn’t the normal secret withheld from a spouse. I know I wouldn’t want that from my partner, any more than I’d want dishonesty about finances, drug use, etc. Not sure how your wife feels/would feel about that, nor what your actions say about trust and respect between the two of you. Any idea what your kids would think?

If the cost of your enlightenment is keeping your wife in the dark, should we lament that she’ll never know enough to thank the Ubermensch for deciding what’s good for her?

Is it self-righteous to bring that up?

Yes, I feel you have to give the other person the knowledge of your mindset. It they say they don't want to hear about it or whatever, then you take that in the direction you want....and so can the other person. Then again , that's not cheating.

out of box wrote:

If you think she's clean you can consider taping her one more time for old time sake

I know it's just the internet and all, but you do have the option to not be an asshat.

Agree on the above. Everyone is wired differently.

Divorce is not in my deck of cards either even now that the kids are all grown. I’ve strayed...a lot.

Yet wifey and I know each other well and she allows my freedom.

Yet nearly every couple we know where there was no ‘extra curricular’ activities going on....most all on second or third marriages.

I’ve had people ask me ‘what is your success to being together over 30 years?’

I answer honestly with ‘I get äss on the side, discretely, and don’t bring it home with me.’

The typical response is ‘oh I could never do that’ as he depressingly is considering divorce number 2.

Just want to say the last several posts on this page are fascinating and insightful for a younger (31) never-married guy. I sort of knew a lot of this was sort of the norm a lot of places, but it's always so hush hush and taboo to talk about, you never know how common it really is. Thank you for sharing.

If this is true, bravo for posting it.