Move in with girlfriend or not?

Don't move in with her until you marry her. When two people move in together outside of marriage they go into it with different expectations. The man goes into it as a way to see if this is what they want. The women goes into it as a way to progress towards what they want. This can create a huge problem. When you move in as a married couple you go in to it on the same terms.

No one in my wife's family or my family moved in with each other until they were married and no one in either family has ever been divorced and I would say everyone is very happily married. This is pretty rare these days but it is the way to go.

Because this is LR, the first question is “pics?”

Sparks do diminish because that’s the nature of relationships. The older you get the talent pool diminishes and it becomes harder to find that “something.” If you think about your life 5 years from now, do you see them with you?

Of course move in with her.

For another anecdote, I lived with my wife for 2 years before we married. And that's lasted 17 years so far.

And I know couple that have lived together for years and never got married.

You don't seem to want goodbye, so move in.

If it goes bad, then move out.

Sparks always diminish. A good companion is worth a lot.

No

This is good advice. Couples who lived together before marriage have a higher rate of divorce than couples who don't live together before marriage. The idea of living together as a 'trial marriage' is a myth. Of course, living together before marriage doesn't guarantee you'll get divorced. It just demonstrates a view of marriage in which there is always a way out if things don't turn out right. Marriage should be seen as permanent.

Forest Runner wrote:

We get along very well both suited to each other with enough interests in common, my friends and family are mad about her, but I am uncertain whether to make the move, I sometimes worry if the spark is not necessarily gone but somewhat diminished, but the friendships or companionship has never waived.

The friendship and companionship are what matter the most. Go ahead and move in with her.

P.S. Unless she has cats. If she has cats, then stay far, far away from her.

Star wrote:

You don't seem to want goodbye, so move in.

If it goes bad, then move out.

Sparks always diminish. A good companion is worth a lot.

Well said.

Move in one place and see what happens.

For sure it's better than getting married without ever lived with someone.

At the end both options can fail but one of them is a lot cheaper if it fails.

buy a ring or break it off wrote:

Couples who lived together before marriage have a higher rate of divorce than couples who don't live together before marriage.

That's total nonsense.

Plus this thread is about having a good relationship, not about marriage.

Unusual advice wrote:

Don't move in with her until you marry her. When two people move in together outside of marriage they go into it with different expectations. The man goes into it as a way to see if this is what they want. The women goes into it as a way to progress towards what they want. This can create a huge problem. When you move in as a married couple you go in to it on the same terms.

No one in my wife's family or my family moved in with each other until they were married and no one in either family has ever been divorced and I would say everyone is very happily married. This is pretty rare these days but it is the way to go.

I agree with this. People will scoff at this advice but that's because they just don't want to hear the truth.

+1

every good relationship eventually get to this stage.

it's a big risk. mainly because separating and setting up on your own again can be a real pain in the arse but you'll never know if you don't try.

Forest Runner wrote:

…. this is a deal breaker for her, its move in or goodbye.

This phrase right here makes me cringe.

A deal breaker for her right this moment is that if you and her don't move in together, then she's done. An ultimatum. Wonderful way to start living together. Nothing like a threat and guilt to get off on the right foot!

Run. Far. Away. Now.

And be glad you dodged a bullet. If your partner has to get to an ultimatum stage to force you to do something that you don't want to, it's not right.

I'd strongly suggest pre-marriage counseling to see if this issue isn't the tip of the iceberg; and then make a more educated decision.

By appearances, and the little that we know; it looks to me she wants something you don't - and in order to get her way, she's going to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do. She has choices, and so do you. If she doesn't like the situation, she's good to leave; and the same for you. Remember that.

If you capitulate now, you're only setting yourself up for the lifelong pain of being exploited by manipulation with her.

You state she loves you unconditionally - but here she is putting a condition on her love?

So, she's also lying to you, or just has you hoodwinked.

Your girlfriend is likely suffering from borderline personality disorder and also has debt that will cripple your retirement plans.

Forest Runner wrote:

…. this is a deal breaker for her, its move in or goodbye.

Not this AGAIN....get out wrote:

This phrase right here makes me cringe.

If your partner has to get to an ultimatum stage to force you to do something that you don't want to, it's not right.

My advice to you is to GTFO.

Anyone like you who's not ready to be in a relationship needs to resolve their personal issues before even thinking of one.

I see nothing wrong with her opinion. She wants to get to married (or live in a marriage like relationship). She doesn’t want to be just dating.

She is making her wants desires known. If op doesn’t also want to move in, I would advise her to break up at this point.

It’s like having kids, if one person wants them and another doesn’t, they should break up. It’s a deal breaker. Better off breaking it off sooner.

No point soft playing it at this point, it’s been three years. Ideally she would have brought up her desire for a serious relationship sooner, but better late than never.

I agree with her ultimatum. After three years, if you're not ready to move the relationship forward by moving in together or getting married, she should move on and find someone who can commit long term.

Brofest 2.0 wrote:

I agree with her ultimatum. After three years, if you're not ready to move the relationship forward by moving in together or getting married, she should move on and find someone who can commit long term.

Exactly