webby wrote:
Great passage. Did your end up regretting the mission and resenting your parents, or Mormonism? Did you become a true believer? Or something in between?
Ok, in response, this will be a longer post. Short answers first, though: Regretting a mission and my parents? No and Yes. The mission was the one time in my life where everything I did was dedicated not to myself, but to others. Dedicated to the belief that what I was teaching would help other people and was worth my sacrifices. Also, as another poster wrote, I came back from my mission much more mentally mature and responsible. Prior to my mission, my GPA was 1.8. Later, with a family to support, I went back to school, and my GPA throughout my Bachelor's and Master's degrees was 3.9. Maturity means the world. But yes, I regret losing the fire for running, wasting my talent, getting married very young and having a child just 15 months after that. I lost the fire for running, and I bogged down in all the responsibilities of raising a young family. Excuses, I know, and I do regret that. If I could go back and do it all again, would I? I honestly don't know. I had talent for running, but being realistic, I was never truly gifted. I could have been a very good also-ran, but that's about it. Sad, but true.
Did I become a true believer, or something in between? I would have to say it's still something in between. I wish I could say it's all true and I have no doubts. I'm a skeptic, though, and I need more than "good feelings" to make me believe in something. I believe there's not one returned Mormon missionary who can honestly say, without any doubts, that everything about the LDS Church is true. We all want to believe that, but it's entirely based on faith, or at least on believing that what other people we trust say is true. It's very comfortable to convince yourself that you have the truth and all the answers. It's extremely uncomfortable when you wake up and realize it's not that easy, and maybe you've been fooling yourself. There are plenty of true believers in all religions. They all have good feelings, and they all attribute those good feelings to a higher power. They all can't be right, and maybe all of them are wrong.
OK, so here are a couple of excerpts from my book that relate to this topic. The first is about my last NCAA cross country race. I started the season as the number one runner on my team, beating out all the senior people, as well as several of my teammates who had beaten me and been state champions just months earlier in high school. Injury ended that great start, and here are my feelings:
Crash and Burn
As I reach the four-mile mark, the leaders pass me going the other way. Today’s Western Athletic Conference (WAC) Cross Country Championship is on a large golf course in Idaho, and during the race we have to double back multiple times to cover the full 10,000 meters. The first runner I see go by in the opposite direction is 27-year-old Suleiman Nyambui of Tanzania, running for UTEP. Several months ago, Nyambui won a silver medal in the 5,000 meters at the 1980 Moscow Olympics, which were unfortunately boycotted by the United States. Not far behind Nyambui are several of his teammates, from Kenya. I think the second runner is 24-year-old Michael Musyoki, who recently finished second at the Commonwealth Games to the greatest of all Kenyan distance runners, multiple world record holder Henry Rono. Most of the other front runners in the race are also Africans.
As the lead Africans fly by in the opposite direction, I hear one of them say something to another in Swahili. The fact that they're talking during a fast race is intimidating. Before the race even started, I was in awe of the Africans. I couldn't help but stare at them on the starting line. They run as I only dream of running, their long, lean legs propelling them smoothly over rough ground, their ebony faces focused and tranquil during an all-out effort as if they were simply sitting and meditating under a blue African sky. I love watching them run. They are truly magnificent. But now, to be in a race with them, to even presume to be their competitor, suddenly seems ludicrous.
At the same time I admire the Africans, I resent them. Because of them and the American universities that recruit them, there are American runners sitting at home today without scholarships. While
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I certainly don't blame the African runners for jumping at their opportunities in America, I despise the universities that recruit them. Because of their participation, today's race is a farce. Not only are the Africans the most talented distance runners in the world, but they are often significantly older than the average American college runner. While the average American runner enters college at the age of 17 or 18, finishing four years of athletic eligibility by the age of 21 or 22, many of the African runners recruited by American universities begin their own collegiate running career in their early or even mid-twenties, prime years for a distance runner. The best example: in 1978, when he set all four of his world records, the great Henry Rono was 26 years old and on an athletic scholarship at Washington State University. Like Nyambui and Musyoki, he was literally a man among boys.
What makes me resent the Africans even more is that, while they are fed, sheltered, educated, and honed to a fine racing edge in American collegiate competition, when it comes time for the Olympic Games they will sweep the distance events and take their medals and glory home to Africa.
I actually ran with the Africans for the first mile. They were all around me when a timer called out “Four-thirty-nine, four-forty,” as I passed the one mile marker. But I was just a boy among men, because after that first mile I had to slow down, while they just kept going and pulled away. I don't know what got into me today. I know better than that.
I'm really dying now. And I'm so congested that I cough, hack and spit every hundred yards or so. Gradually, I'm passed by every one of my teammates. Glancing over my shoulder as I struggle through the last half mile, I see only a handful of runners behind me and realize I'll have to push even harder just to hold this pitiful position.
At last I stumble across the finish line, searching the crowd for Coach Jones and my teammates. I walk toward them through the fog of my fatigue. I am ashamed. I feel worthless. I'm on a four-year athletic scholarship, and today I finished last on my team. What's more, I ran a stupid race. If I were a dog, I'd be walking with my tail between my legs right now.
This is the last NCAA race I’ll ever run.
And here is an excerpt from my mission, when I still hoped that somehow I could maintain running fitness, but realized there was no way I could:
I follow Elder Riter's bicycle as he leads me through the quiet streets of Salinas, California, early on a gray sky morning. I rousted my “senior missionary companion” from his bed an hour before morning scripture study, and he was none too happy about it. I know this won't be a regular occurrence, what with all his yawning and complaining, but once is better than nothing.
“Come on, Elder! Run faster!” Elder Riter shouts. All of us missionaries go by the title “Elder” rather than our first names, and I'm still not used to it. He speeds up, trying to mentally tug me along with him. I respond, beginning my kick earlier than I had intended. He speeds up again.
“Come on, Elder, come on! Two-tenths of a mile to go!” Elder Riter shouts again, his eyes jumping from me to the odometer on his bicycle, and then back to the road ahead. I respond again, kicking as hard as I can.
“OK . . . get ready . . . get ready . . . STOP!” Elder Riter shouts.
I hit the stop button on my watch, easing down to a jog, and then
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to a walk.
“What's the time, Elder?” he asks, straddling his bicycle, curiosity written all over his face.
I look at my watch, disappointment written all over my face. “Four-twenty.”
“Four-twenty? Fetch, Elder!” he exclaims. (“Fetch,” I've recently discovered, is a common missionary substitute for the real “F-word”.) “You just ran a four-twenty mile, Elder! You said you were a runner, but I didn't know you were fast!”
“It's not . . . very fast . . . Elder,” I gasp, totally spent. “It's ten seconds . . . slower than my best. . . . I've been . . . a lot faster and . . . besides . . . this was on a straight road . . . at sea level. It's not terrible, though . . . after weeks . . . of almost no running.”
“Humble thyself, Elder,” he jokes.
I laugh weakly. “Yeah, right, Elder. Thanks for . . . coming with me today.”
We head back to our apartment for morning scripture study. This is the last real running I'll do for years.