What are things that a couple should discuss before moving in together?

Loving v. Virginia was argued was argued 52 years and two days ago (Wednesday of this week). So, I guess there's your moral relativism.

theJeff wrote:

You prefer today's societal norms of moral relativism? Where men compete as women, parents accompany their children to college, obesity is glorified?

Do you also assume that everything that was important over periods longer than 100 years is to be avoided? Or only the trends you disagree with?

consider stuff. I mean the physical reality of taking what is in two living quarters and cramming them into one living quarters. Whose bed are you going to use? Whose table? Regardless of which you choose, what are you going to do with the other one? If somebody gets rid of their stuff, it makes it much harder to disentangle if it becomes necessary. I recommend not doing that for a while, at least. If your living quarters doesn't have enough room, you may consider paying for storage. Or maybe you are close enough to student status (undergrad, grad schoolers differ too much to generalize) that all your furniture is junk and easily replaced.

Consider the frictions around cleanliness and sharing a living space. Does one of you get upset if the floor is filled with clothes? Does your mail lay around on the table for a week before you get around to it? Are you sharing a bathroom full time or are there two?

People have already said a lot about finances. Very important but also important is that you maintain open communication about them. Pick one system, whether it is splitting everything 50/50 or something proportional and make sure you revisit it after a couple of months to see if it is still working out for you. The communication thing is pretty damn important in general.

OP you should definitely get married first. This shows that you're an alpha male with high integrity and principles, and your wife will greatly respect you for it. So will her family, and your family.

On the surface, just moving in together makes sense, but your girlfriend secretly wants you to just propose to her, and move in together after the marriage.

What you don't realize is that the financial elite in this country have intentionally tried to sabotage every tradition that strengthens the family unit and general morality.

They push pornography, casual sex, living together before marriage, and getting divorced as soon as a person is ever so slightly unhappy about something.

You need to show your girl that you are a real man with real principles, and a real respect for the traditions that have made marriage such a strong institution before the cultural Marxists started the hippy movement.

If moving in together before marriage really worked in practice, rather than just in theory, the divorce rate wouldn't be at an all-time high by a long-shot.

Your girlfriend will tell you she wants to move in together before marriage, but she will lose some respect for you if you go along with it. What she really wants is for you to put your foot down and insist on marriage first. Then she will be your loyal servant/partner for life, because she'll respect you more, and her family will have great respect for you.

Actually it’s not sad at all that people would prioritize marriage as “something you should talk about” before moving in together. What’s sad is the watered down “commitment” that comes with people moving in together and then essentially living as roommates with benefits. Ask anyone who is in a happy marriage and they will undoubtedly tell you it’s way better than the co-habitatating alternative. But, go ahead and kid yourself that moving in together is just as good as real commitment. Oh and don’t get me started once kids enter the picture...

theJeff wrote:

Marriage.

The “Pretending to be Married” phenomenon is the second most destructive movements towards healthy marriage in society today. It sends the message that it is ok to back out of long term commitments, because while you enjoy many - not all - of the physical perks of marriage, there is really nothing at stake.

Moving in together is society’s version of a Finisher’s Medal.

Sh!t or get off the pot, dude.

+1

I've been living with my fiancee and regret that choice. I've told her that and anybody else who is considering it

I never really discussed anything with my girlfriend before she moved in with me.

It was a progression.

She stayed over on Friday nights at first and then over the full weekends.

She's a teacher and a couple months in summer came and she stayed the whole summer.

She changed jobs in the fall and used my address for her employment papers.

We eventually got married and had kids.

The time living together gave us a good idea that we could be married and knew what we were getting into.

But no formal discussion of moving in together in the first place.

Just wow! wrote:

theJeff wrote:

That is not the purpose of marriage. Marriage = Commitment, period. We shouldn't marry until we are 100% sure that both parties have chosen to love each other, no matter what.

Kind of sad to see someone indoctrinated with such a viewpoint.

Commitment = Commitment.

Marriage is irrelevant to that. Trying to straightjacket someone into a lifelong commitment might work for the mutually religious but as someone has already pointed out in this case we have Catholic / Moslem so even if the thread isn't just a troll then the chances that marriage is going to have any impact on the longevity of this relationship seems unlikely.

Much sadder that you do not understand the importance of legally, spiritually - whatever that means to you - and publicly declaring your lifelong commitment to the other person. Marriage isn't a straightjacket or a guilt trip, and if you see it that way, I can pretty much guarantee it wouldn't have the desired effect, anyway. Marriage IS the commitment.

I agree with that statement 100% - but - there is a LOT of room between a LDR and cohabitation.

caller out of racists wrote:

Loving v. Virginia was argued was argued 52 years and two days ago (Wednesday of this week).

So, I guess there's your moral relativism.

theJeff wrote:

You prefer today's societal norms of moral relativism? Where men compete as women, parents accompany their children to college, obesity is glorified?

Do you also assume that everything that was important over periods longer than 100 years is to be avoided? Or only the trends you disagree with?

Relevance? (Fwiw, although I strongly believe that marriage should be a lifelong commitment between one man and one woman, I have absolutely zero issue with interracial marriage. If that was a complete troll post, I guess you win.)

theJeff wrote:

Marriage.

The “Pretending to be Married” phenomenon is the second most destructive movements towards healthy marriage in society today. It sends the message that it is ok to back out of long term commitments, because while you enjoy many - not all - of the physical perks of marriage, there is really nothing at stake.

Moving in together is society’s version of a Finisher’s Medal.

Sh!t or get off the pot, dude.

As long as no fault divorce exists, being married is no more of a commitment than living together unmarried.

ITT: religious nuts.

Marriage won't make your relationship one bit better (unless you are both religious nuts). There is no higher degree of commitment between married and unmarried couples. Your relationship will fall apart just the same either way if you two are not compatible. If you both want to get married, great, happy for you. This doesn't change the fact that there is no moral reason to do so and oftentimes marriage is financially irresponsible. If you love someone, are you going to leave just because they aren't married? If you two become incompatible for whatever reasons, think just being married is going to keep your partner around?

There are all kinds of things you need to see BEFORE getting married, even after discussing them, as any discussion is likely to include an idealized version of your so's life (ie I always do the dishes right away, I clean 3 times a week, my dog almost never barks, etc.).

Anyways, some basic things to discuss include:

1. finances

2. cooking/eating out

3. division of chores/work around the house

4. pets

5. children

6. where you want the relationship to go long term (if you want marriage or kids)

7. work hours

8. alarm clock

9. hobbies/exercise/running

10. having guests over/family visiting

In most of the best relationships I've seen the couples were already living together before they got married or have even elected not to get married ever. Some of the worst relationships I've seen were people who got married young, after only dating for a year or two in or shortly after college. People change significantly in their mid to late 20s when they start working. They stop being cool, stop working out; they replace all this with 60+ hours a week of work. Or maybe they don't change at all. They never stop drinking 5 beers a night, only now instead of a partying college kid they're just an alcoholic actuary.

If you're not living together you're only seeing your partner at his or her best. You need to know you can love them the rest of the time before you consider marriage.

theJeff wrote:

Relevance? (Fwiw, although I strongly believe that marriage should be a lifelong commitment between one man and one woman, I have absolutely zero issue with interracial marriage. If that was a complete troll post, I guess you win.)

Abraham had quite the side chick thing going on. To name just one.

I have no advice for you brah. Just wing it!

I seriously would not listen to any of the advice any of these STIFFS will give you.

Wolf's Bane wrote:

Anyways, some basic things to discuss include:

1. finances

2. cooking/eating out

3. division of chores/work around the house

4. pets

5. children

6. where you want the relationship to go long term (if you want marriage or kids)

7. work hours

8. alarm clock

9. hobbies/exercise/running

10. having guests over/family visiting

This is a good list but I think it should be:

Finances #1

Division of work #2, just barely under #1

Everything else is a distant third++

Nothing in my experience sets off more arguments than division of work questions. Take out the trash, clean the kitchen, etc. And make sure you're both on board with level of sloppiness or lack thereof. A clean freak and a slob are not going to get along very well.

Oh and don't get married first, that's beyond ridiculous.

Lots of people on this thread offering advice on a successful living arrangement, and others are trying to push marriage on you. In truth, both those approaches are outright stupid as hell. Why do you have to live together? Why would you even think about marriage? Presuming the two of you currently have a solid relationship, here is the only bit of advice that's worth anything:

If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Period.

Maintain your own residences AND your relationship. More importantly, maintain your sense of self without the hindrance of another person influencing your life 24/7. The two of you might end up having a lasting thing, but it's more likely that you will someday move in different directions. When that happens you need to be unencumbered and free to move on.

All the marriage freaks will criticize my advice, but the reality is that marriage has nothing to do with a committed relationship. It is nothing more than a legally binding business agreement that people sheepishly adhere to out of some idiotic faux-moral or religious imperative.

Don't be an idiot.

you mean discus?

i went on a run today wrote:

you mean discus?

The thread goes home DEVASTATED.

Gretchen McGillicutty wrote:

ummmmmm wrote:

We did discuss waiting to move in together until we get engaged. But it seems impractical and timing works out perfectly because both our leases end.

We did both grow up in conservative households (Catholic and Muslim) so our families will not be too happy about it. But both of us are not religious ourselves and don't plan to raise our kids in a particular religion.

This has got to be the most humorous inclusion of detail by a troll that I have ever seen.

Tip of the hat...

I’m a little unclear on the intricacies of the Muslim faith. When her brother finds about about her promiscuity, does he just honor kill her, or do you both get honor killed?