What are things that a couple should discuss before moving in together?

ummmmmm wrote:

My partner and I have been together about 1.5 years, and are planning to move in together in a few months. In those 1.5 years, we've lived within 10 minutes of each other and spend many nights together. We did discuss that this would be a stepping stone to marriage (something we see sometime in the future).

In general what are some things that should be discussed before moving in together? I assume things like future plans (marriage?), finances, etc. all go into this. Looking for some advice from the Letsrun folks.

Finances is the number one thing. That is really what is different here. You have spent a lot of time together including spending night together, so finances is the biggest thing.

1) Do you split the bills evenly? This is something you need to decide. Depends on how much you each make, whether one of you still wants to pay half even if you don't make as much as the other, etc. Whatever the decision is you need to decide.

2) Tasks. Stuff needs to be done...cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. Need to be on the same page about level of cleanliness that you both will accept.

Those are the two main things. All other things are relationship things or "big ticket items" (marriage? children? religion?)

Good luck.

Thanks Flagpole.

There will be about 3-6 months where the incomes will be uneven (one person being a grad student). If we split bills by income, do you have any suggestions on the smoothest way to do that? Not just rent but general living expenses too.

We've discussed that we're both interested in marriage in the future (but not a set timeline on that: do you recommend discussing that in more detail?) as well as kids and religion (we are both not religious).

You should get married first.

We did discuss waiting to move in together until we get engaged. But it seems impractical and timing works out perfectly because both our leases end.

We did both grow up in conservative households (Catholic and Muslim) so our families will not be too happy about it. But both of us are not religious ourselves and don't plan to raise our kids in a particular religion.

ummmmmm wrote:

Thanks Flagpole.

There will be about 3-6 months where the incomes will be uneven (one person being a grad student). If we split bills by income, do you have any suggestions on the smoothest way to do that? Not just rent but general living expenses too.

We've discussed that we're both interested in marriage in the future (but not a set timeline on that: do you recommend discussing that in more detail?) as well as kids and religion (we are both not religious).

If the grad student has a stipend, then that person can contribute to the rent and other things. It does just really matter how much all things cost now and how much more the non-grad student makes. If the grad student really has no income or very little income, then it stands to reason that the other one will pay for just about everything. There is no perfect way to set this up. You both know each other well, so communicate and come to a reasonable agreement that is centered around the love you have for each other...not just a business transaction.

Until you are married, it makes sense for each person to pay their own student loans if that's an issue and for their own transportation (car or monthly bus/metro fee), again unless the grad student really just can't for now. If you do get married, I would consider any money made to go into one big pot (my wife and I have ONE checking account) and then all bills paid from it.

I do not think you need to be married first before living together, as someone else suggested, but I would suggest you get married first before buying a house together. Sounds like you are on the same page with the major things (marriage eventually, kids, and no religion).

Starting a life together is exciting. Congrats!

ummmmmm wrote:

My partner and I have been together about 1.5 years, and are planning to move in together in a few months. In those 1.5 years, we've lived within 10 minutes of each other and spend many nights together. We did discuss that this would be a stepping stone to marriage (something we see sometime in the future).

In general what are some things that should be discussed before moving in together? I assume things like future plans (marriage?), finances, etc. all go into this. Looking for some advice from the Letsrun folks.

This thread is worthless without Pics.

Going to assume heterosexual couple and the grad student is female.

She has some sort of money because she is paying rent, utilities, etc currently even if she has a roommate.

One option is to split rent and utilities 50/50. I have heard of couples doing it proportionally so if you make 10x more than her, you would pay more along those lines. So if rent is $1K then maybe you pay 900 and she pays 100?

Chores around the house is a big one. It just needs to be something you both consider to be fair. You could each do your own laundry for instance. When I moved in with a woman, I told her how much I hated cleaning toilets, but doing dishes and the floors and windows was okay. So we split up the chores. I cut the grass (something I actually like to do). We even ended up combining laundry although she had a separate bin for things she was afraid I would mess up.

Cooking? We split it somewhat with the other person doing clean up. But we also cooked together and then cleaned up together or one of us would take it on and let the other chill.

Time apart. You now have the luxury of when you want to be alone to go to your place. When you live together you need to be clear with space. My ex and I are both somewhat introverted so we were okay being in separate rooms. Once we were watching the same show on tv in different rooms but just needed to be alone. We realized this was important and necessary for us, but it seemed strange to a lot of friends.

Having friends over. You each likely have a friend or two that the other person does not like. Now you can just hang out with your buddy and your place. Well, if your GF does not like him then do you go over to his place? Part of that need to not become dependent on one person for everything.

Also, your friends might start to think you cannot do anything without your partner now that you are living together.

What is going to be the level of agreed clutter or messiness or dirt that is okay? How long can dirty dishes stay in the sink?

Marriage.

The “Pretending to be Married” phenomenon is the second most destructive movements towards healthy marriage in society today. It sends the message that it is ok to back out of long term commitments, because while you enjoy many - not all - of the physical perks of marriage, there is really nothing at stake.

Moving in together is society’s version of a Finisher’s Medal.

Sh!t or get off the pot, dude.

ummmmmm wrote:

Thanks Flagpole.

There will be about 3-6 months where the incomes will be uneven (one person being a grad student). If we split bills by income, do you have any suggestions on the smoothest way to do that? Not just rent but general living expenses too.

We've discussed that we're both interested in marriage in the future (but not a set timeline on that: do you recommend discussing that in more detail?) as well as kids and religion (we are both not religious).

If this is honestly a financial decision and you genuinely intend to marry this person, my only suggestion is to commit to sleeping in separate beds in separate rooms and abstain from sex until married. That will magically speed up the timetable on figuring out the details of finances, where to spend holidays, and how to commit to the use of Poo-Pourri. It will also send each other’s families the message that you have the best intentions for your future spouse; remember, you marry each other’s family, not just each other.

theJeff wrote:

Marriage.

The “Pretending to be Married” phenomenon is the second most destructive movements towards healthy marriage in society today. It sends the message that it is ok to back out of long term commitments, because while you enjoy many - not all - of the physical perks of marriage, there is really nothing at stake.

Moving in together is society’s version of a Finisher’s Medal.

Sh!t or get off the pot, dude.

Yep, marriage should be the #1 thing. You should be married before living together. If you’re not ready to be married, then you are not ready to be living together. Period.

Can you handle the truth? wrote:

theJeff wrote:

Marriage.

The “Pretending to be Married” phenomenon is the second most destructive movements towards healthy marriage in society today. It sends the message that it is ok to back out of long term commitments, because while you enjoy many - not all - of the physical perks of marriage, there is really nothing at stake.

Moving in together is society’s version of a Finisher’s Medal.

Sh!t or get off the pot, dude.

Yep, marriage should be the #1 thing. You should be married before living together. If you’re not ready to be married, then you are not ready to be living together. Period.

Yah you should make a lifelong commitment before seeing if can stand living together. Makes total sense.

1850 called and it wants its societal norms back

Luv2Run wrote:

One option is to split rent and utilities 50/50. I have heard of couples doing it proportionally so if you make 10x more than her, you would pay more along those lines. So if rent is $1K then maybe you pay 900 and she pays 100?

Terrible idea. You pay everything 50/50 when starting out. Otherwise one partner instantly becomes obligated to the other out of necessity. Not a good base for a relationship.

A few comments in favour of marriage before moving in together on here as well. Also - in this day and age - spectacularly bad advice. Once again starting out with a perceived obligation to a piece of paper. No basis to build a relationship on.

ummmmmm wrote:

We did discuss waiting to move in together until we get engaged. But it seems impractical and timing works out perfectly because both our leases end.

We did both grow up in conservative households (Catholic and Muslim) so our families will not be too happy about it. But both of us are not religious ourselves and don't plan to raise our kids in a particular religion.

This has got to be the most humorous inclusion of detail by a troll that I have ever seen.

Tip of the hat...

An open or closed door bathroom policy needs to be established first.

Spectacularly Bad Advice wrote:

Luv2Run wrote:

One option is to split rent and utilities 50/50. I have heard of couples doing it proportionally so if you make 10x more than her, you would pay more along those lines. So if rent is $1K then maybe you pay 900 and she pays 100?

Terrible idea. You pay everything 50/50 when starting out. Otherwise one partner instantly becomes obligated to the other out of necessity. Not a good base for a relationship.

A few comments in favour of marriage before moving in together on here as well. Also - in this day and age - spectacularly bad advice. Once again starting out with a perceived obligation to a piece of paper. No basis to build a relationship on.

The issue isn't marriage. The issue is the attitude that people would marry to "see how it goes"; that it is an arbitrary "obligation to a piece of paper". That is not the purpose of marriage. Marriage = Commitment, period. We shouldn't marry until we are 100% sure that both parties have chosen to love each other, no matter what. That choice must be stronger than the whims, struggles, and infatuations that all marriages face.

Living together without marriage teaches us that it is ok to break commitments - it feels enough like marriage to make it seem as though ending a marriage is acceptable - and is essentially the Gateway Drug of divorce.

Asking for myself - what are some methods for helping a couple like this deal with the change (decrease) in personal space and alone time?

It seems easy to dismiss if you've already been living as close as 10mins apart and spending every night together - but any residual personal space or alone time you once had vanishes when you cohabitate.

Bumgravy wrote:

theJeff wrote:

If this is honestly a financial decision and you genuinely intend to marry this person, my only suggestion is to commit to sleeping in separate beds in separate rooms and abstain from sex until married. That will magically speed up the timetable on figuring out the details of finances, where to spend holidays, and how to commit to the use of Poo-Pourri. It will also send each other’s families the message that you have the best intentions for your future spouse; remember, you marry each other’s family, not just each other.

1850 called and it wants its societal norms back

You prefer today's societal norms of moral relativism? Where men compete as women, parents accompany their children to college, obesity is glorified?

Do you also assume that everything that was important over periods longer than 100 years is to be avoided? Or only the trends you disagree with?

theJeff wrote:

That is not the purpose of marriage. Marriage = Commitment, period. We shouldn't marry until we are 100% sure that both parties have chosen to love each other, no matter what.

Kind of sad to see someone indoctrinated with such a viewpoint.

Commitment = Commitment.

Marriage is irrelevant to that. Trying to straightjacket someone into a lifelong commitment might work for the mutually religious but as someone has already pointed out in this case we have Catholic / Moslem so even if the thread isn't just a troll then the chances that marriage is going to have any impact on the longevity of this relationship seems unlikely.