Had a big blowup with my girlfriend. Would like some input.

A lot has already been said, but something missing that I feel it would be helpful to point out: you're absolutely codependent, and you are trying to pair up with someone who is addicted to affirmation. You absolutely need to get out for your own sake, and recognize that you can't go back because you will fall victim to your codependence again.

There's nothing inherently "wrong" with her, nor with you. For her, someone who is assertive and never once stands for these constant needs for affirmation will suit her well. For you, someone who requires space and boundaries (even to a point that can hurt your codependent needs) will be a good balance for you. Find that person, and encourage her to find hers.

Is weed legal in your state?

This issue can be solved in an hour with a Burning Spear album and a CBD oil massage.

Anyone who thinks that their partner "makes them mad" or "makes them sad" is still immature and needs to learn and grow. You have to decide if you want to stay in a relationship while she tries to learn that "I make myself mad or sad". Some people never learn that they, and only they, are responsible for their emotions and feelings. And if she doesn't learn that, then you will always be blamed for her emotional state. Ask yourself if you can live with that. I wouldn't be able to. Good luck.

What are you Myers Briggs personality types? (Humanmetrics has a good test). What are her good qualities?

Someone above had a great post about reframing questions - follow that. The most important question that I always ask to anything my wife says is, "What can I do to help?" Listen, don't try to fix. It took me decades to figure out exactly what this meant - to learn to not jump to my logical fix-it mode immediately.

Boys really are interesting creatures. I remember when my wife was in an infertility support group, I met with just the husbands, and it's amazing how logically they all thought and spoke with their wives about this issue. It blew my mind how they could not think that this would be like throwing gas on fire.

That being said - it sounds like there are incompatibilities. Proceed with caution as it sounds like there may actually be red flags, but it sounds like you're moving on already.

Dude you are going on to Letsrun asking people for relationship advice. You are clearly not happy is this relationship and she does not sound worth the trouble. Break up it's simple as that.

DGL54 wrote:

Anyone who thinks that their partner "makes them mad" or "makes them sad" is still immature and needs to learn and grow. You have to decide if you want to stay in a relationship while she tries to learn that "I make myself mad or sad". Some people never learn that they, and only they, are responsible for their emotions and feelings. And if she doesn't learn that, then you will always be blamed for her emotional state. Ask yourself if you can live with that. I wouldn't be able to. Good luck.

I agree. I think she is very emotionally immature and even child-like in a lot of ways. It's one of the things that has been a struggle for me the whole relationship and something I think about often. That alone has not been enough for me to pull the plug, but it is one of those things in the relationship I struggle with. Whenever I have addressed it even indirectly by using myself as an example, she either doesn't seem to notice I'm trying to say something or she gets mad. I am normally a very direct person, and my friends and I give each other direct critical feedback frequently to help each other grow and become "better," and "stronger," but my girlfriend is so sensitive and child-like I can guarantee she'd have some kind of meltdown if you ever gave her direct critical feedback. She can't handle it. The story she tells herself is that she (and all women) are victims, and any failure of hers is the result of her being a victim, rather than owning it or taking responsibility for it.

It is also tied into another difference between us: I am constantly wanting to grow and become a better version of myself, and she very much has the mentality of "this is how I am, I'm fine just how I am right now, and I should never have to change." I'm not saying that's necessarily "wrong." It's just just that I am constantly wanting to improve myself, and she isn't. It might not be a huge deal right now, but I see it being a problem long-term and like we have incompatible views on life.

It's not all negative though. She really is wonderful in a lot of ways. She ENJOYS cleaning and cooking for me, doing my laundry, etc. She is much more social than me and always allows me to be involved. She has some professional contacts that would be of benefit for me to have too and she's brought us together. She has taught and introduced me to a variety of fun, interesting, and useful things. She appreciates me and thanks me often for things I do and almost always apologizes for days when she's in a bad mood after the fact. It has been a mutually beneficial relationship in a lot of ways. There are just some very big issues involved in addition to these positives.

You need to join Men Going Their Own Way.

Men who are ready to marry, realize that the 'wife' is always right. Always.

Happy wife, happy life.

You seem to want an equal status. It will never be that way.

Buy one of those pleasuring devices and move on.

crumpetsounds wrote:

You need to join Men Going Their Own Way.

Men who are ready to marry, realize that the 'wife' is always right. Always.

Happy wife, happy life.

You seem to want an equal status. It will never be that way.

Buy one of those pleasuring devices and move on.

I hope I see sarcasm here...LOL but, just in case the OP thinks this is viable...

Ug - I knew someone was going to say "Happy wife, happy life" at some point here.

F- that. For life to be happy, YOU have to be happy; once you're happy, you can do what you can to help others be happy too.

OP - you've gotten tons of advice to move on; and based on your continued justifications on why you're staying with this chick, I'm thinking a few things about you:

1) You haven't had many positive relationships to non-relative females

2) You were raised by a narcissistic mother

3) You've invested a lot of time in this relationship

4) You don't think you can do better

3 & 4 are easy...never think you've invested too much time in a bad relationship - don't go throwing good money after bad. And, you can do better, trust me.

1 - if this is the case, you might need some help with developing relationships with mentally healthy females, and be able to recognize unhealthy ones in the process.

2 - get help immediately; this can be super destructive and long-lasting. You will always look to "fix" the women in your life, or walk on eggshells 100% of the time to not upset them. All unhealthy ways to live your life.

Pics?

She is not the right girl for you. Period.

It shouldn't be this difficult.

Move on ASAP and you'll be much happier.

You came to letsrun for advice and you got it. Nearly everyone has told you to get out and stay out of this relationship. Despite that, you continue to argue, deny and try to justify staying with her. It sounds like you refuse to face the facts and the truth. At this point this conversation should be over, you're going to do what you want anyway. This thread should end now. The next post should be made in five years by the original poster, Joe Joe Joe. His post will be, "Holy s***, you were all right, I screwed up big time. I wasted 5 years, I am broke, and crazy lady has custody of the kids, and I will remain broke for the next 18 years."

Joe Joe Joe wrote:

I am normally a very direct person, and my friends and I give each other direct critical feedback frequently to help each other grow and become "better," and "stronger," but my girlfriend is so sensitive and child-like I can guarantee she'd have some kind of meltdown if you ever gave her direct critical feedback. She can't handle it. The story she tells herself is that she (and all women) are victims, and any failure of hers is the result of her being a victim, rather than owning it or taking responsibility for it.

You should move to San Francisco, and find someone more compatible with you there.

The Dirty Duck wrote:

I had a big blowup girlfriend, too, but had no problems like this at all.

She sounds like a doll.

I’m sure your girlfriend is getting some input in the side.

I agree the saying "Happy wife, happy life" is stupid. Men do not exist to serve women, nor vice versa.

As for your points, all are correct to varying degrees.

1) I have not had many positive relationships with women, romantic or platonic. I have had some, but I have also had a lot of bad relationships with women, mostly non-romantic but some romantic ones

2) I was raised by a narc mom and was damaged by it. I do not have contact with her and feel like I have made a tremendous amount of progress in my life undoing damage from her. I am still a work in progress.

3) I have invested a great deal of time and effort into this relationship, more than any relationship I've been in.

4) I'm not sure... The reason I have listed her good qualities isn't to justify staying with her but just to make clear she isn't a horrible person. She is a GREAT person and partner a lot of the time. I have gone out with and dated dozens of women over the last ten years and none have been as great as her, none have been as compatible with me as her. I feel like I would have to go through another 100 women just to find another one comparable to her. I think back through every woman I've ever dated, liked, or gone out with, and I would not choose any of them over my girlfriend. If I broke up with my girlfriend, I would accept that I might be single from here on out. I haven't broken up with her yet because I'm still thinking it over and want to be certain it's the best decision.

I appreciate the input/analysis.

Moo Goo wrote:

End it now. You will be life of pain.

Get a blowup doll. It wont talk back.

Why didn't you mention the professional contacts before bro??!!! Forget the other advice, you gotta take this dame for all she's worth before you dump her.