Antidepressants and running: I think I'm about to call it quits

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  • WhatHappened...
    1 year ago 01/14/2019 7:12pm CST
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    I realize most of you don't care, but I just needed to write my thoughts down somewhere. For those who take the time to read this whole post...I appreciate it.

    Once upon a time I was obsessed with running. In high school I wasn't great by any means, but I worked hard and saw constant improvement. Sometime during my senior year I decided I wanted to run in college, so after speaking to some coaches I committed to a fairly well known D3 school. I was motivated, eager, excited, and when I arrived on campus I was in the best shape of my life. I fell in love with my teammates and I had a fantastic cross season. Everyday I woke up feeling happy and for the next two years xc/track practice was the best two hours of my day. During my freshmen and sophomore seasons I set PR's in almost every event and even found myself running at a few National Meets. Life was awesome, but then something changed.

    Honestly I can't even pinpoint what it was that changed. Junior year started and I just felt "off". I had no motivation to do anything. I didn't want to run, I ignored all my friends, and I just hated life in general. To make a long story short I was eventually diagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder) and was prescribed the typical antidepressant medication. I jumped around from medication to medication, and although my mental health slowly improved, my running was severely impacted. Three mile runs felt like a death march. I could barely finish workouts. My coach and teammates were supportive through everything, but I still felt like a scrub.

    So I guess that brings me to current day (senior year). I've been on the same medication now for over 5 months (viibryd + wellbutrin) but I still can't seem to find my legs. I don't hate practice, but it sucks knowing that I'm severely underperforming. For the first time in a long time I wake up feeling happy about life, which makes the whole situation much more difficult. I feel like I'm being forced to make an impossible choice. I can either:

    -Be happy and suck at running

    or...

    -Be emotionally unstable yet athletically successful.

    Obviously being mentally stable is more important, but I can't help feeling like I've wasted my running potential. I know my experience isn't unique, so if anyone has advice I'd love to hear it. At this point I feel like hanging up the spikes, at least for a while. My coach and teammates have been so supportive over the past few years, and I've incredibly thankful for them. Sorry for the block of text, but I just needed to write my thoughts down.
  • Not running isn’t a bad thing
    1 year ago 01/14/2019 7:18pm CST
    re: WhatHappened...
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    I think taking a break from running is a smart choice. Running performance really should lead to satisfaction - so if it’s standing in the way, it’s not really serving it’s purpose for you.

    As someone who loved running only to face basically a chronic injury that’s forced me to quit (for now), I definitely understand why you are so reluctant to not do it. It’s a part of your life that you shouldn’t want to give up. That said, your hand might be somewhat forced here. I would hang up the spikes temporarily while you find out what makes you happy in the many other spheres of life
  • Pretzel Man
    1 year ago 01/14/2019 7:34pm CST
    re: WhatHappened...
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    No actually a lot of us do care. And I know it's easy for someone else to say it, but there's more to life than running. Like OP said take a break for awhile and try other things. Try hitting the weights for awhile and get jacked. Good luck kiddo.
  • Runnerchx44
    1 year ago 01/14/2019 8:04pm CST
    re: WhatHappened...
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    Thank you for posting. As someone who is active and has been on and off antidepressants over the years, I can understand your frustration with athletic performance. Have you ever done an honest assesment of what may have been causing the low mood way back when? I am a firm believer that most of us do not need antidepressants and that struggle is a normal part of life. I really like the site theinnercompass.org for info about antidepressants and coming off them/learning more holistic ways to deal with life’s curveballs.
  • OPhere
    1 year ago 01/14/2019 8:30pm CST
    re: Runnerchx44
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    Runnerchx44 wrote:

    Thank you for posting. As someone who is active and has been on and off antidepressants over the years, I can understand your frustration with athletic performance. Have you ever done an honest assesment of what may have been causing the low mood way back when? I am a firm believer that most of us do not need antidepressants and that struggle is a normal part of life. I really like the site theinnercompass.org for info about antidepressants and coming off them/learning more holistic ways to deal with life’s curveballs.


    I didn't include many details in my original post. I see a counselor weekly which has definitely helped me over the past few years, and I've recognized some of the issues which "triggered" my initial depression. I don't view antidepressants as a long term solution, but they've definitely helped me function on a day-to-day basis. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a place now where I could taper off my meds, but I guess I'm scared to take that first step. My counselor also recommended that I be tested for ADD, so I'll be pursuing that in the next few weeks. I definitely feel like I'm in a better place now, but I think I'm just scared to make another change. Idk if that makes sense.
  • OPhere
    1 year ago 01/14/2019 8:33pm CST
    re: Pretzel Man
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    Pretzel Man wrote:

    No actually a lot of us do care. And I know it's easy for someone else to say it, but there's more to life than running. Like OP said take a break for awhile and try other things. Try hitting the weights for awhile and get jacked. Good luck kiddo.


    Thanks for the response Pretzel. My coach mentioned that I could still be a "team manager" if I wanted to take a break, and that is something I'm definitely considering. Like I mentioned in my original post; despite my poor athletic performances ,my teammates have been super helpful throughout this whole experience. I definitely want to stay connected with them in some way.
  • Did the
    1 year ago 01/14/2019 8:51pm CST
    re: WhatHappened...
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    Did the docs exclude all possible organic causes? Vitamin D deficiency, that kind of thing? I’m only asking because I know it’s easier for many GP’s/FNP’s to prescribe an antidepressant than try to really find out what’s wrong.
  • librarian wannabe
    1 year ago 01/14/2019 9:00pm CST
    re: WhatHappened...
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    please check out the scott douglas book
    running is my therapy

    i have had major depression issues and probably will again the next time i encounter a career layoff or whatever

    your real friends will understand and when you get your legs back ( you WILL ) you can do hood to coast together or whatever
  • not a doctor
    1 year ago 01/14/2019 9:03pm CST
    re: WhatHappened...
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    I'd talk to your doctor about quitting the antidepressants. They may be making your problem worse and could be affecting performance by affecting your brain. After that, keep running, but stop worrying about feeling happy. For performance plateaus, you have to just stop thinking about the training and just do it. Run a little more, a couple extra reps, push a little harder on the last 2, that sort of thing.

    Emotional stability isn't all its cracked up to be. Most people are just faking it anyways. Hell, even the president and his entire cabinet is emotionally unstable.

    What kind of runs make you happy? Do those when you don't have practice. Ask the coach if you can run a 5/10 at some big meet you've always wanted to go to. Happiness is something you have to work at. I enjoy running every day but it rarely makes me happy. It doesn't need to. I've decided I want to run on as many days as possible and race as fast as possible. And thats that, the rest is irrelevant.
  • OPhere
    1 year ago 01/14/2019 9:05pm CST
    re: Did the
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    Did the wrote:

    Did the docs exclude all possible organic causes? Vitamin D deficiency, that kind of thing? I’m only asking because I know it’s easier for many GP’s/FNP’s to prescribe an antidepressant than try to really find out what’s wrong.


    Before I was prescribed medication I had tons of bloodwork done. I hate taking any kind of medicine (advil/tylenol included), so I wanted to make sure nothing else was going on. All the tests came back normal so I was prescribed antidepressants. That was two years ago though so maybe its time for another checkup
  • pond scum
    1 year ago 01/14/2019 9:08pm CST
    re: WhatHappened...
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    Think long term. Do you want running to define you post college?

    My advice is to continue running. That may mean you have to lower your intensity. But if you close yourself off, you may feel even more isolated and unwell.

    Running is a mental sport. Do whatever you can to keep yourself mentally strong.

    No one really cares about your running when you put it in your resume. I did. And I could have landed a job as an arborist because I bragged about my half mile time to a 40 year old hiring manager and I challenged him to show him how serious I am.

    The key to life is being content or happy. What matters to you?

    Also live life for yourself. You don’t have to impress everyone because we all live in our own little bubble worrying about what others think about us. The irony is that no one thinks much about us as we do ourselves... unless they a stalker.

    U a girl? Pics?
    🤢
  • OPhere
    1 year ago 01/14/2019 9:09pm CST
    re: not a doctor
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    not a doctor wrote:

    I'd talk to your doctor about quitting the antidepressants. They may be making your problem worse and could be affecting performance by affecting your brain. After that, keep running, but stop worrying about feeling happy. For performance plateaus, you have to just stop thinking about the training and just do it. Run a little more, a couple extra reps, push a little harder on the last 2, that sort of thing.

    Emotional stability isn't all its cracked up to be. Most people are just faking it anyways. Hell, even the president and his entire cabinet is emotionally unstable.

    What kind of runs make you happy? Do those when you don't have practice. Ask the coach if you can run a 5/10 at some big meet you've always wanted to go to. Happiness is something you have to work at. I enjoy running every day but it rarely makes me happy. It doesn't need to. I've decided I want to run on as many days as possible and race as fast as possible. And thats that, the rest is irrelevant.


    See this is something I think about all the time. Maybe its all mental and the drugs aren't physically affecting me. Like I mentioned in a previous reply, I think I'm just scared to make a change. Before antidepressants I had constant suicidal thoughts, which eventually lead to some habits of self harm. I don't want to fall back into that pattern, but sometimes I do think I'm ready to be done with antidepressants
  • Did the
    1 year ago 01/14/2019 9:27pm CST
    re: OPhere
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    OPhere wrote:

    Did the wrote:

    Did the docs exclude all possible organic causes? Vitamin D deficiency, that kind of thing? I’m only asking because I know it’s easier for many GP’s/FNP’s to prescribe an antidepressant than try to really find out what’s wrong.


    Before I was prescribed medication I had tons of bloodwork done. I hate taking any kind of medicine (advil/tylenol included), so I wanted to make sure nothing else was going on. All the tests came back normal so I was prescribed antidepressants. That was two years ago though so maybe its time for another checkup


    Two years is a long time to struggle with depression if on medication, especially if you’ve tried different ones. And while depression doesn’t exactly make you fly through a workout, your description of having a run feel like a death march makes me think that maybe a second opinion is not a bad idea.

    I mentioned vitamin D because I once had a severe deficiency and the only reason I was tested was that my doctor happened to be from up north where it’s common. I live about as far south as you can get in the US. The symptoms mimicked that of depression, plus I had severe exercise intolerance. Depending on where you live, your skin color, and the amount of time you spend outdoors without sunscreen on, you may be anywhere from low to severely deficient. I’d have it checked. Most Americans are deficient and very few are at optimal levels. It’s not widely advertised because, well, antidepressants make for better profits.
  • wannabe doctors
    1 year ago 01/14/2019 9:50pm CST
    re: WhatHappened...
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    Lot of wannabe doctors here. Suggesting that someone who IS feeling better on antidepressants should cease taking them seems like a rash judgment to make over an online forum.

    If running is making you unhappy, and you are otherwise happy ( or doing better on antidepressants), it seems like an easy choice to take a break and explore everything else.
  • Mikeh33
    registered
    1 year ago 01/14/2019 9:54pm CST
    re: WhatHappened...
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    God bless you OP. Glad to see you are better, pray you stay that way.
  • OPhere
    1 year ago 01/14/2019 10:06pm CST
    re: Mikeh33
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    Mikeh33 wrote:

    God bless you OP. Glad to see you are better, pray you stay that way.


    Thanks mate. Appreciate the response and God Bless to you too!
  • zxcvzxcv
    1 year ago 01/14/2019 10:11pm CST
    re: WhatHappened...
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    I would seriously consider dropping the antidepressants, because they are not making you happy and the studies are down on them, no better than a placebo with bad side effects. But as you get back into running, get more sleep, take actual easy days, and get more iron in your diet, as well as fruits and vegetables, and I bet that you will feel a lot better. You want to finish college right.
  • better living thru chemistry
    1 year ago 01/14/2019 10:12pm CST
    re: WhatHappened...
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    You could consider adding a stimulant. It will boost your mood and will help your running. Don't think of it as cheating as you're not a world beater but are in a D3 school and which is near recreational while still competitive. (No knock on D3, I actually think that's the way to go with sports and wish there were more D3 schools).

    But seriously, antidepressants slow you down. I was on antidepressants for a year during pharmacy school and one year during undergrad prior. Both times my grades actually went down. They just slowed me down a bit, I didn't have my drive, which was good b/c I was burned out but "bad" at the same time as well. Maybe they're doing that for your running. Also if you're not ready for a prescribed stimulant, you could try adding caffeine to your lifestyle if you haven't already. Caffeine is performance enhancing and people who are regular users of caffeine are less likely to experience depression.

    Last thing you could try is Saint John's Wort. I use it in a tincture form occasionally, 6 to 10 drops maybe 15 drops, a near homeopathic technically subtherapeutic dose. It helps but it is no where near as strong as double dipping with both Viibryd and Wellbutrin would be.

    Double lastly, you could try Coenzyme Q10 and a high quality multi-vitamin with extra B-vitamins for energy. Also a good quality fish oil with at least 200, and preferably 400 mg of EPA per serving could help to knock out your depression if you want to have a go of it on the Natch.

    I'm sure you've checked your vitamin D levels, but if you're in a northern latitude I'd add that in there too, seems like a lot but really isn't difficult.
  • Ben There
    1 year ago 01/14/2019 11:18pm CST
    re: OPhere
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    Hello OP,

    I haven't read the whole thread, but I had your exact same experience, except my MDD hit me in my junior year of high school. My 5k times were slower than when I was a freshman.

    Here's what you need to do:

    1) Give up your competitive college athletics dreams. Even Mike Tyson svcked at boxing once he got on his much needed anti-depressants.

    2) DO NOT STOP RUNNING, OR YOUR DEPRESSION WILL GET MUCH MUCH WORSE.
    Think about it, OP, running is the best anti-depressant in the world and you're still depressed, because you have a mood disorder that is biological, like me.

    What you don't realize is that running has been your most important anti-depressant medication all along. Stop running and your whole life will fall apart in ways you can't even comprehend, with severe emotional baggage that might basically leave you emotionally disabled.

    You think I'm being alarmist and over-dramatic, because it hasn't happened to you yet.

    3) These people telling you to stop running or stop taking your medication simply don't understand that you have a biological disease of the most serious kind, a depressive mood disorder. You will encounter people like this the rest of your life. They mean well, but they're as misguided as telling somebody with a stage 4 stomach cancer tumor that they should just do more sit ups, because it worked for them and flattened their stomach.

    4) You can still be a lifelong, above average runner. You also might be able to get off the first medication you listed. I'm on a small dose of Mirtazapine and a small dose of Paxil and it's holding me together along with the all important EXERCISE.

    That first medication you listed might be some real heavy sht that you don't necessarily need to take for the rest of your life. And it might be that you can win/place in a lot of 5k and 10k and half marathon races in your adult life, with or without that particular medication.

    5) Be prepared for more aspects of your life to suffer/fall apart, aside from athletics. It's time to start considering the possibility that you will need to re-adjust some of your career goals, and graduate school is probably a bad investment, because you don't know exactly where this mental health disability will take you.

    YOU MAY EVENTUALLY BE LITERALLY LUCKY JUST TO BE ABLE TO GET OUT OF BED AND DO A FULL DAY OF MINDLESS LABOR at some point in your life. I really hope this doesn't happen to you, but it very well might. You need to make all the right choices, and even then you need to get lucky that the chemical/biological side of the equation works out for you.

    Mood disorders set in between the ages of 13-22. You're dealing with a mood disorder. And depression is arguably one of the most serious conditions in existence. Fatally ill cancer patients tend to have a better outlook on life than depressed people. You need to do everything in your power to keep that depression at bay as much as possible. That means taking your meds, running very consistently, and being able to hold a job down after college.

    Ignore my advice and you'll regret it the rest of your life. But know that you might do everything right and still see your work life, your love life, and your social life be ruined over the coming 10-20-30 years. Don't ask me how I know.

    Looking back, I wish I never stopped running in college and for 20 years after. My life might have been quite different. Once you fall into a deep depression it's hard to get out, and it only gets harder to get out the older you get. And you suffer mild brain damage, and it puts you on the path of likely early dementia. You'll lose your short-term memory, which is key to any job, and you might even find yourself telling a story you already told the person a few days ago.

    OP, think of yourself as a gazelle in the jungle now. You need to run for your life every day, and take your meds, and see your doctors, and create a low-ish stress future for yourself, or you will likely fall into a series of ever-worsening major depressive episodes that will ruin your life as you understand it.
  • Pretzel Man
    1 year ago 01/15/2019 5:24am CST
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    kyoto wrote:

    Pretzel Man wrote:

    No actually a lot of us do care. And I know it's easy for someone else to say it, but there's more to life than running. Like OP said take a break for awhile and try other things. Try hitting the weights for awhile and get jacked. Good luck kiddo.


    When you say you care, what does that mean?


    It means I care about another human being.