How often do you "fight" with your girlfriend/wife/significant other?

Married 19 years, together 20+. We argue over a lot of abstract things because we’re both opinionated, with different political bents, different friends, and one of us is an engineer and one a scientist. Oof.

Having said that, in 20 years we’ve had very few fights. We support and respect each other, and basically want the same things in life. We don’t ever raise our voices at each other. If I’m reaaally ticked off at my husband, I wait till I’m calm and it’s a good time for both to talk it out. The old cliche that you should never say things like “you never” or “you always” so that you can resolve differences constructively? Cliched or not, it works.

I’m stubborn and I love being married to someone equally stubborn who stands up for what he believes in without dismissing my beliefs in the process. A spirited, healthy dialogue is very different from fighting. We’re friends with a couple who don’t ever argue. Passive aggressive avoidance all the way. It's a seriously weird dynamic and neither of them is happy.

DGL54 wrote:

I don't know about normal or healthy, but I definitely think arguing with your partner is both. I am reading the posts from people together a decade with no arguing and am truly shocked by that. My guess is one or both partners are scared of any conflict and are swallowing their anger to avoid an argument. That is certainly not healthy. And the idea that you will agree with your partner at all times is naive and silly.

Arguments will happen, but it's how you resolve the arguments that count the most. My partner and I are high-strung personalities and we do argue, but we've been together 12 years and will likely stay together. When you argue, stick to the issue and DO NOT get personal.

Only you can decide how much arguing is too much for you.

This is pretty much how I feel. I think some amount of arguing is both very normal and very healthy. I think little to no arguing is actually NOT healthy for the reason stated above: it means one or both partners is terrified of any conflict at all or is a doormat. As I said in my original post, I even think actual fighting is not necessarily a deal-breaker if it happens very rarely.

I mainly quoted this post for the "stick to the issue and DO NOT get personal" part. What kind of tipped me over the edge in deciding to break up with my girlfriend was that she started criticizing ME as a person, not just getting mad about something that happened or something, but she basically said I was a bad person. She would also regularly say she couldn't be with someone who did X, Y, or Z (whatever it was she happened to be mad about at the time). I think and feel all of this is highly dysfunctional behavior.

Also, each time she blows up, she does eventually calm down, and we have very reasonable discussion. I understand her better because she makes a lot more sense when she's calm, and then I basically just repeat what I said when she was angry and she understands it and apologizes... But then the same thing happens a week later. We almost broke up about 2.5 weeks ago because of this stuff, and I even told her as much, and then she had another blowup two weeks later. It really bothers me that she can only go a maximum of two weeks without having a meltdown of some kind. It's hard for me to understand because I literally never act like that and haven't since I was probably in elementary school.

I feel like I'm being really negative because I'm angry myself about it all right now. I'm angry because of how great the relationship was outside of these episodes and how easy it seems like it should be to avoid such things. I do feel like I possibly bailed too soon, but I also feel like this isn't something I should have to explain to any adult, that regularly getting so angry that you can't communicate with anyone around you isn't going to be acceptable behavior. I'm still kind of at a loss.

Baaam!!! The best answer. She is super insecure.... Not because of the example the OP brought up about the co-worker’s daughter.

All I add is that I’d give it a few months and check my feelings in his case. See how I feel about it and if I’d still want to solve the anger issues with her... But in my experience, I’d move on... It’s really hard to partner with someone with such deep-seated insecurity issues... She needs to work through them on her own... The relationship just prevents her to see it as a problem... You can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves.

Also, if you don’t have kids, or financial arrangements together, sometimes it is just better cut it short, no matter how long the relationship lasted, and move on... That’s just life;)

Good luck to the OP. I really mean it.

Another female poster here. Married 27 years.

I had an anger problem when I first met my husband in college. When I got angry, I got mean. My anger would overtake my personality and my reason. A lot of my behavior was patterned after the way I saw my parents interact. My husband let me know in no uncertain terms that he wasn't going to put up with it. I thought about it for a while and came to the conclusion that I needed to stop being a jerk and grow up. I still deal with anger issues, but I try not to direct it at him. Fights in our relationship are inevitable, but over the years, they have become less intense and few and far between (maybe a significant fight every couple of years). I've seen relationships that are defined by anger and they aren't good. Your girlfriend's behavior was abusive and I think it was the right decision for you to get out. One way to check your decision is to talk to people who are you are close to -- mom, dad, best friend, sibling. If things were as bad as you describe (and, trust me, what you described was not a healthy relationship), my guess is that your loved ones are feeling relief that you are finally done.

I've been married 30+ years and would say fights = 0, arguments = maybe 5. She was right on 4 of the 5 augments. The sad part was that even when I realized I was wrong during an argument, I had to keep arguing just out of pride. I married waaaaay out of my league and am all the happier for it. Life is too short to argue and fight, and most of the time it occurs over stupid stuff anyway.

One piece of advice in any fight/argument is never, never, never go after the character of the other. Once you cross that bridge you make it very difficult/impossible to repair. You might with the battle but you will lose the war.

We don't fight because we don't talk.

I have been married for 8 years. I would consider my relationship with my wife very healthy. I had some extremely unhealthy relationships prior to this, so I have some reference points. We have mild disagreements a few times a month that get resolved with some tense discussion and compromise. We have a maybe 2 or 3 big fights a year where we get pretty pissed at each other. They are not common and everything is always forgiven and ironed out by the next day.

It's surprising to hear that people never argue that have been together for quite some time. There may be rare exceptions, but that often indicates an unhealthy situation. Healthy relationships have some degree of conflict or struggle occasionally as the 2 parties express differing desires and opinions. That doesn't mean people are fighting and screaming at each other, but it's also unlikely to be resolved with an emotionless monotone dialogue.

If there isn't conflict it means someone isn't getting their way. Either one or both parties are likely very agreeable people that just never want to step on toes. That makes conflict unlikely, but it also means that person isn't getting their voice heard.

Been married for 20 years. The best advice about relationships was given to me after a break up 2 years before I met my wife. Fighting occurs over differences of opinion and life style, and people don't change. I never expect my wife to be any different than she is, and I am the same turd she married. I am a creature of habit and routine and she is a busy body . We always seem to be on the same page and we love to share life together. We work on being a couple, and having fun. Both of us are old and in the homestretch of life 52 years old for me, and 61 for her. I just can't waste my energy with emotional drama or big fights over crap that really does not matter. I have been with a woman like that, angry at me for things I couldn't change if I wanted to. Let each other have their opinions and opportunities. Make an effort to have fun together. I think that similarities keep people together and differences cause people to grow apart.

cluster b wrote:

Good point JJ. Posting on forums rather than communicating with your partner is a red flag. Why would any woman want a man who can’t communicate or can’t close the deal after a six year “peaceful” relationship let alone a couple of years. I bet the six year relationship was filled with strife as well. Never heard of being together that long, getting along and not getting married. OP did the right thing, find a woman like his mum. Stop dating smart women and then gas light them into making them think they’re bipolar. Everyone in town knows. The correct action was taken. Women move on fast and find men who can communicate effectively and promptly as a way of de-escalating conflict.

Not all women move on, some just rebound because they are afraid of being alone. Like my ex-gf for example who I suspect had BPD (I don't go around telling everyone that though, gaslighting is what BPD people do) once we broke up she immediately found another guy to date with the same name as me, he even looks similar to me. (Except I'm definitely sexier) How creepy is that haha I really don't think it's coincidence you'd have to see to believe, he is like an ultra-rebound I feel bad for the guy.

I just remembered the one argument we had: She wanted her mom to live with us when she got old (immigrant family), I said I didn't want that. I think if we had stayed together she would have definitely gotten her way because it was important to her and not to me, and it just took me a little while to understand why.

I don't understand what arguments normal people are supposed to have? If you're in a relationship with someone who has similar values to yourself, shouldn't it be easy for rational people to agree to a course of action through a simple discussion? What do the topics of these healthy arguments even consist of?

Yeah sometimes people just turn into crazy people and you're like what the hell is going on here and why? Your first paragraph makes it sound like you were in a really tough position.

I get your second paragraph too, you put all this time into a relationship, only to find out that there was this bizarre, irrational, and unexpected circumstance. Best of luck to you.

My husband and I don't fight...we sometimes disagree. It's a conversation or a discussion, but it's done with respect and love. We've been married 11 years, together...hm, 14ish? It's ok not to fight as long as you can clearly communicate your wants and needs, and you're willing to compromise when necessary.

Your situation, honestly, doesn't even sound like it's about communication or conflicting desires. It sounds like she wanted conflict. Some people do thrive on conflict, and unfortunately bring that into their relationships. But she's probably a great problem solver, or negotiator, or salesperson. She should find another outlet for her desire to tackle challenges and win. You mentioned her anger several times, and that's a red flag for me. A healthy relationship should only very rarely, if ever, see anger. I get annoyed with my husband sometimes, but I love him, so I can't stay angry at him. Anger is a very destructive emotion and has no place in a healthy relationship. You were right to move on.

I must ask, did you both have premarital sex? Do you think that had anything to do with your eventual breakup?

Why do you feel as you do? (Since divorce and breakups are far more common today than they were in the ~ say 1920s ~

it seems to me this is a valid argument against this act.)

I have been married for 22 years. I think a lot of this comes down to personality and role modelling. I know that I grew up with parents (who are still married today) that would raise their voices and have disputes every day. My wife's parents were the same way. Most of this was day-to-day stupid stuff. There would be a flare up and then things would calm down almost immediately and everyone moves on. None of these squabbles ever escalated to "I hate you" or "you are stupid", and were in the category of "I thought you were going to clean the kitchen before I got home from work? You let me down.". I remember having friends come over to my house in high school and say... "man, your parents argue a lot." I never really thought about it. It was a healthy way to vent off some stress in my home. Grudges were never kept and nobody ever brought these things up again after they were over. Often times the source was lack of sleep, hunger, or work anxiety and it was just a way to vent general frustration with life. Other people have different styles and traditions that work for them. Some never argue and somehow that seems to work (with my personality, I don't know how some people don't argue, but they don't).

If arguments turn into fights, and the couple goes to bed angry/not talking, then IMO that is not healthy. Arguing and fighting can be healthy as long as the couple can quickly move past it and understand that the source of the argument was not really the other person, just a general stress level in life that needed to be released in some way.

I have always found the right response to be, "she is really stressed about something, not me. She can't lash out at whatever the source of this problem is at work or not enough sleep, etc. I should try to help her to relax, take some load off her, and not take this personally." That is hard to do when someone is accusing you of something, but if you can see it clearly for what it is, you will succeed.

P.S. As I get older, I also treat people with road rage the same way. I used to get angry and "fight back" when I got cut off in traffic. Now I think, "this person must be totally stressed to the gills for some reason. I need to get out of their way and help them move on." Again, easier said than done with my competitive, somewhat aggressive mindset.

Ima Grownup wrote:

Devil Dog wrote: Grow up people. Fighting is for children.

^ This

You often here the cliché that all good relationships require work. Personally, I think that is a ridiculous rationalization dreamed up by people who are too insecure to let go of bad relationships. Bottom line, if you have to "work" at a relationship (which typically includes the task of arguing), then you are with the wrong person.

Completely and utterly wrong

So what are you going to do when the relationship goes through its rough edges? When it starts to get challenging? When you gave to solve problems? That constitutes as "work" as well, and its pivotal to having a healthy relationship

And it WILL happen, because that's how life works, and the presupposition that whoever you meet is going to be the perfect soulmate for you where no problems occur whatsoever and you both agree on nearly everything and that everything is "sunshine and rainbows" is not only foolish, but downright stupid, and life will eventually come knocking and you wont be prepared

I think its a ridiculous rationalization to think that good relationships just "Come to you naturally and you dont have to work to get there". That thought coincides with movies and cartoons. Real life doesnt work that way. Relationships require work, because its apart of life and life in itself is a strife and people will always have different opinions on things and do things that make you feel uncomfortable or annoyed. But if you can find meaning and rich value in the relationship such that the work is worth it, and you're both striving towards it, then that my friend is a pretty health relationship. Because what that means is that you acknowledge each others positives and negatives and still accept each other for who you/they are and you are both moving towards a better world together. It doesnt meant that you fight and bicker with your mate, that isnt what Im saying - healthy communication is very important in a relationship - but to say that not striving to "work" towards a good relationship is not a "right relationship" is just so asinine It makes me want to vomit

Fred A Stair wrote:[/

I must ask, did you both have premarital sex? Do you think that had anything to do with your eventual breakup?

Why do you feel as you do? (Since divorce and breakups are far more common today than they were in the ~ say 1920s ~

it seems to me this is a valid argument against this act.)

Are you asking me or the op or both? I wasn’t married, and we broke up because of other issues. If we had been married we might have stayed together but been unhappy.

pond scum wrote:

Oh boy. I never fight with my girlfriend because I have none! My life is so chill as a bachelor. And by chip, I mean cold and alone. Like the last 24 can ounce of beer in the fridge. My life is that chill.

?

I am also a bachelor, however I don't share the same thoughts. I love it.

Completely impossible to respond appropriately without pics and PRs. Fight win/lose /draw statistics would be helpful too.

Seriously. You will never win an argument with a woman. Even if you win, you lose. You must let her save face. Tell her your point if it makes you feel better and STFU and then listen to whatever she has to say. If you disagree just remember to STFU. She doesn't really care about your opinion. She just wants you to listen. She doesn't want you to solve her problems.

When you forget to STFU and she gets angry then you have to say this. "You were right and was wrong. I love you." Then STFU.

100% of arguments can be avoided if you take the high road and STFU.

Thank you. I feel the same way. I had a serious girlfriend who I lived with several years ago, and we actually "argued" a lot, but it was mostly playful and even when we annoyed each other, it wasn't hurtful or damaging at all. The few times we did have genuine conflict, we still never yelled at each other and were able to express ourselves and listen to one another. My most recent girlfriend though can't really have arguments, even playful ones; she just gets angry, usually very angry to the point communication breaks down. What's sad about it is that it really doesn't seem like she's trying to create drama or conflict. She just genuinely cannot control her emotions. She has told me that she feels guilty and ashamed after these outbursts once she calms down. I know it's not just her wanting conflict too because some days she's very sad for no particular reason. She's not TRYING to be emotional, she just cannot control it. It bothers me because on one hand I do sort of get that, but it doesn't change the fact that it's really difficult and unpleasant to deal with, and it also makes me feel like I would never want to have children with her because I would never want to subject my children to a mother who was out of control emotionally.

Again, I do really appreciate the replies. It's helpful to hear other people's input and what their own relationships are like.

Fred A Stair wrote:

I must ask, did you both have premarital sex? Do you think that had anything to do with your eventual breakup?

Why do you feel as you do? (Since divorce and breakups are far more common today than they were in the ~ say 1920s ~

it seems to me this is a valid argument against this act.)

Do you have any statistics to support this claim?

Maybe marriages lasted longer because the average life expectancy in 1920 was around 54 years versus 73-79 years today.

Premarital sex is not a new concept.

"During the US colonial period, premarital sex was publicly frowned upon but privately condoned to an extent. Unmarried teenagers were often allowed to spend the night in bed together, though some measures such as bundling were sometimes attempted to prevent sexual intercourse. Even though premarital sex was somewhat condoned, having a child outside wedlock was not. If a pregnancy resulted from premarital sex, the young couple were expected to marry. Marriage and birth records from the late 1700s reveal that between 30 and 40 percent of New England brides were pregnant before marriage"

"

It was not unusual for courting couples in late eighteenth-century New England to spend the night with each other—often in their parents' homes and with their parents' permission. Andrew Burnaby, a young Englishman who was traveling through the North American colonies in 1759–1760, reported as follows: “At their usual time the old couple retire to bed, leaving the young ones to settle matters as they can, who after having sat up as long as they think proper, get into bed also, but without pulling off their undergarments, in order to prevent scandal” (1). Other visitors from abroad noted with astonishment that parents generally knew about and condoned these overnight visits. The young couples in question were not necessarily even betrothed—they had sometimes known each other for only a brief time. "