Looks like you still couldn’t hack it after a six year relationship so maybe the problem lies somewhere else? Not every women is a nice submissive christian woman like your mum.
Looks like you still couldn’t hack it after a six year relationship so maybe the problem lies somewhere else? Not every women is a nice submissive christian woman like your mum.
Good point JJ. Posting on forums rather than communicating with your partner is a red flag. Why would any woman want a man who can’t communicate or can’t close the deal after a six year “peaceful” relationship let alone a couple of years. I bet the six year relationship was filled with strife as well. Never heard of being together that long, getting along and not getting married. OP did the right thing, find a woman like his mum. Stop dating smart women and then gas light them into making them think they’re bipolar. Everyone in town knows. The correct action was taken. Women move on fast and find men who can communicate effectively and promptly as a way of de-escalating conflict.
Don’t waste your time trying to fix the relationship, do the right thing. Clearly there is a problem if your only recourse is to ask a bunch of strangers on a running forum. Nobody here knows the other side. This is called the Rashomon Effect. Of course this guarantees you the assurance that you want, but you don’t need us to tell you that you’ve made a good decision for yourself.
Posts about bipolar disorder are disturbing and should be ignored. It’s a real health issue, just like diabetes or high blood pressure, and shouldn’t be judged any less. Truly bipolar people need proper healthcare and medication.
JohnJefferson wrote:
Maybe the reason there was no happy medium is because you both are immature and incapable of talking about problems without being insecure and defensive so you each just bite your tongues until the tea kettle explodes again then at that point there's no talking over the problems because you both are not in a rational state of mind.
I appreciate your potential insight, but every fight we had was started by my girlfriend, and it was she who was very angry and emotional to the point she would end up storming out of the room and me who was calm. The first time it happened I didn't even know what was going on because I hadn't said or done anything. She just stormed out of the room. She even later admitted that she was just catastrophizing inside her own head. I never raised my voice to her the entire time we were together, and I encouraged her to talk to me about things that bothered her. I never insulted her once.
The problem is though, it seemed to me like much of the time she could not just have a conversation. She'd come into the "conversation" already so livid that she could not hear anything I said. One example of one of the things she got super angry about was I sent her a photo of my coworker, a 57 year old woman, who I get along with really well and had talked about quite a bit. In the photo was her and her daughter, so I explained "That's her daughter," and then I also added "she wanted to set me up with her two years ago" just because I thought it was kind of funny that my coworker wanted to set me up with her daughter because she kind of wanted to "adopt me" as a son. My girlfriend became irate and couldn't believe I would share such information, and when I tried to explain to her that this was TWO YEARS ago, that this was the only time I ever even met this woman, that neither one of us had any desire for that, and that she lives over two hours away and is in a relationship anyway, my girlfriend would not calm down at all and actually became even angrier because I "didn't get it" and I was "dismissing her feelings." I wasn't trying to dismiss her feelings. I was trying to explain why she had nothing to worry about. There were multiple times like this one.
What's strange is that she could be VERY reasonable at times also. It was like there were two different versions of her. She was truly wonderful when she was not angry, but when she got angry she was a different person. I don't claim to be perfect or without fault, but I have had relationships for 6-9 months with women who never got as angry in that entire time as my girlfriend got almost every week. It was really hard for me because I felt like I loved her when she was "normal," but it was unbearable to be around her or really have anything to do with her when she was angry. I ended up feeling like I was constantly apologizing just because she couldn't control her own emotions. And when she was angry, she would also say things that were pretty damaging to the relationship, like accuse me of being a liar, saying she couldn't trust me, etc.
I already tried talking to her about these things multiple times. I came on here specifically to know if I was out of line or not, not so much on my story, but how often we had fights as that's much less subjective. I always try to seek outside input to know if I'm out of line or not, and I encouraged my gf to as well just so we can all be sure neither one of us is being manipulative or gaslighting the other.
Anyway, I do appreciate the responses. I'm still feeling pretty down about things. I do still greatly care about her. If there was some way to reduce her anger issues 80% I would probably marry her tomorrow. :(
Joe, that was a lame move on your part. Don’t bring up exes, former or possible love interests or anything with your ex if you plan on going back to her. She’s pretty silly though, her reaction and all...a bit hyperbolic. It might be for the best that you both stay together and remove yourselves from the dating pool as a favor for everyone else who is still in it. Single guys would thank you for marrying her. Take one for the team and call her tonight.
sameforme wrote:
10 years married and a baker's dozen together. No fighting. We disagree on some things and talk about it. But there are no fights. No raised voices. If I were with someone who I got into regular fights with, well, I would not be with them for very long.
For Real? wrote:
You all must be beta males.
We're only interested in women.
You're a clueless twit.
On the plus side, now she is free to find a real man to be with.
cocoa wrote:
Joe, that was a lame move on your part. Don’t bring up exes, former or possible love interests or anything with your ex if you plan on going back to her. She’s pretty silly though, her reaction and all...a bit hyperbolic. It might be for the best that you both stay together and remove yourselves from the dating pool as a favor for everyone else who is still in it. Single guys would thank you for marrying her. Take one for the team and call her tonight.
I have not brought up any of my exes. This was a mere person I met once who I was never even interested in. I wouldn't even have brought her up at all but it was the only photo of my co-worker that I had, and my gf wanted to see what she looked like. My gf has brought up one of her exes many times because it was a traumatic relationship for her, and she has also brought up her most recent ex (who she is still friends with) multiple times. I never got upset about any of that. Also, I could understand being annoyed by it or something, but she was livid and couldn't calm down for hours. That seemed and seems like an extreme overreaction to me, and that's the sort of thing that typified her reactions to things. She was extremely emotionally-reactive and would habitually catastrophize.
FWIW, I have had multiple other relationships where we could talk openly about things like this without anyone getting upset at all. My girlfriends have told me of guys who are currently trying to flirt with them even and it doesn't bother me because I've been secure in my relationships. The mere idea that I interacted with an attractive woman once is upsetting to my gf I just broke up with though. She is, even by her own admission, extremely insecure. I messed up a few times early on because I'd never experienced anything like it before.
She got very angry about plenty of other things too though. This was just one example.
Best Conflict resolution strategy:
The couple sleeps naked in a Single, Twin bed every night
(38 in × 75 in).
I would never fight with my gf or wife if I had one. I would like to think that we would agree with eachother on everything. I want someone I have everything in common with which is like me. I'm waiting for the perfect girl which is my soulmate. If there are fights she isn't for you. I would never fight with me soulmate. I want to control her so she is happy with everything in our relationship and she feels good about everything. If you are happy and healthy then you shouldn't fight. I do like to observe couples when I'm on the metro or in the coffee shop. I often see couples arguing and disagreeing and feel that they don't deserve each other and there is no respect or appreciate for there relationship. It annoys me that girls go for these guys they end up fighting with but they don't go with me and I wouldn't fight with them. Maybe on my next date I should mention that I would never fight and do what they want to be happy.
The OP is blameless and faultless. How could his gf not realize how eternally blessed she was to be in a relationship with someone who embodies such human perfection?
Gewd gawd, you people are soft.
You just gotta tell these broads to save the drama fo yo momma.
If she's not down with your program then she's free to step.
What is wrong with you people?
Joe, if you love her then maybe try talking to her as a way of building certainty within yourself. Generosity creates certainty. If she responds openly and can have a fruitful discussion, perhaps it’s not a matter of ending the relationship, but one of exercising empathy and reciprocity. If she shuts down or has a meltdown, no big deal, your generosity and her reaction gives you all the information you need to be certain with your decision to break up and move on.
I am glad you left your former girlfriend.
Life it too short too keep fighting all the time.
How much fighting/arguing is normal? I don't have a number but I would think if it makes you feel uncomfortable, leave.
Devil Dog wrote: Grow up people. Fighting is for children.
^ This
You often here the cliché that all good relationships require work. Personally, I think that is a ridiculous rationalization dreamed up by people who are too insecure to let go of bad relationships. Bottom line, if you have to "work" at a relationship (which typically includes the task of arguing), then you are with the wrong person.
Woman poster here. (Married, together over 12 years)
No she shouldn't have these reactions over simple things. Especially with the reaction she had to you showing her the picture of another woman, this shows immense insecurity. These are issues she personally needs to work on. I would guess she is lacking confidence in herself and possibly the relationship.
However, did you try to work with her on these issues? If you love her, stick by her side and help her realize that she can trust you. Help her seek professional care if needed (which it sounds like she could use). It is not your job to fix her, but if you really love her and are questioning leaving the relationship, this is what I suggest:
1. Tell her CLEARLY why you left. Do not leave any room for interpretation. Do not make it sound like an attack on her personally. Be direct with her but also willing to listen to why she gets upset.
2. If you want the relationship back, let her know. But also let her know it is unacceptable to be walking on eggshells every day and if the fighting can't de-escalate then you will leave. Not speaking for days at a time isn't a way to work through thing either.
3. Be willing to listen to her and know that things won't be better immediately. When she starts to have a fit again, be direct and tell her what you are feeling. Don't make it sound like a personal attack on her (YOU are being emotional, YOU are overreacting, YOU are wrong, etc...). Try instead something like 'I can see you are unhappy and really want to understand why.' Try to talk through things without being accusatory. Accusations inflame situations (and it isn't okay for her to accuse you of being a liar, etc.. either. Tell her that/ask why she believes you to be a liar). If she won't tell you why she is unhappy and acting the way she is, then there isn't much else you can do.
4. If she isn't willing to either seek professional help or work on the relationship with you, then you need to leave. It isn't your job to fix anyone else and if she can't work on her side then cut yourself loose and move on.
In the end, we only know your side of the story. How you react also matters, and people are generally really poor at seeing how they are reacting to a situation. It isn't all about raised voices and screaming matches, the language you use when you speak to her will do way more to start fights than yelling. Yelling is primal, and women will pick up on what you are saying more than the volume you shout it out at (though shouting is obviously idiotic).
We have fights in our relationship, but nothing that isn't resolved pretty quickly. Not talking to each other for periods of time does nothing to help and isn't normal. How would you live with someone who refuses to speak to you? That is absolute nonsense and not a way to resolve things. Let alone if you try to take a vacation together and all hell broke loose. That sounds terrible.
You need someone who is your partner, not your problem.
^^ Annoying sanctimonious anti-female post from the most insidious type of misogynist (a woman)
10yrs married
12yrs together
Fight == arguing/disagreement. 3-4x in that period. Each time 5-8 minutes. Usually about child. Otherwise, nothing.
We're both pretty stubborn, and from different parts of the world. So the way we handle conflict is fundamentally different.
carat digger wrote:
^^ Annoying sanctimonious anti-female post from the most insidious type of misogynist (a woman)
LOL!!! If only...
I don't know about normal or healthy, but I definitely think arguing with your partner is both. I am reading the posts from people together a decade with no arguing and am truly shocked by that. My guess is one or both partners are scared of any conflict and are swallowing their anger to avoid an argument. That is certainly not healthy. And the idea that you will agree with your partner at all times is naive and silly.
Arguments will happen, but it's how you resolve the arguments that count the most. My partner and I are high-strung personalities and we do argue, but we've been together 12 years and will likely stay together. When you argue, stick to the issue and DO NOT get personal.
Only you can decide how much arguing is too much for you.
Des Linden: "The entire sport" has changed since she first started running Boston.
Ryan Eiler, 3rd American man at Boston, almost out of nowhere
Am I living in the twilight zone? The Boston Marathon weather was terrible!
Matt Choi was drinking beer halfway through the Boston Marathon
2024 College Track & Field Open Coaching Positions Discussion