Advice: 15 Year old son’s downward spiral

play by the rules or good bye wrote:

Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems. You should have caught the downward spiral before the age of 15. It starts with little things like temper tantrums and ends with big things like drug use, stealing, lying. Only give your child as much freedom as he deserves. Sounds like your kid needs to be put under house surveillance 24/7. I agree with previous poster's suggestion of military school. Someone needs to provide him with structure and strict expectations. Might be worth getting a second job to fund it.

This is the type of parenting that turns daughters into sluts, by the way.

The problem is that you are approaching this like you've always approached your parenting. You are trying to fix the symptoms and not the cause. Relationships and behaviors take time and effort. I don't really believe that you are willing to do either. It sounds like you just want a quick fix for your son. There isn't one. You want to help your son out? Fix your behavior towards him. Spend at least an hour a day doing something with him. Get to know him. You won't be listened to until you've earned the right to be listened to.

sounds like a dud wrote:

Some people are just duds. Even Rolls Royce will produce a defective car every once in a while, and even the best parent can create an offspring who just isn’t quite fit for the human experience. It’s more of a statistical inevitability that a failure.

Best thing to do is to cut him loose as soon as you can.

For now, just work on gaining some emotional distance so he can’t pull you into his spiral. His problems are his, not yours.

Sound like you, as a dud yourself, are speaking from experience.

stone cold truth right here

Opening a pot shop can be hugely profitable and is legal in many states, soon to be in more. Maybe tap into that to motivate him to work hard in school to understand the business knowledge that would help in that endeavor.

Doesn't seem like you spend much time with him.

There's this program called ReTribe that my aunt/cousins run, I'm not too sure about what they do but I know it's a good program for someone in your situation.

John Utah wrote:

play by the rules or good bye wrote:

Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems. You should have caught the downward spiral before the age of 15. It starts with little things like temper tantrums and ends with big things like drug use, stealing, lying. Only give your child as much freedom as he deserves. Sounds like your kid needs to be put under house surveillance 24/7. I agree with previous poster's suggestion of military school. Someone needs to provide him with structure and strict expectations. Might be worth getting a second job to fund it.

This is the type of parenting that turns daughters into sluts, by the way.

No, only exposure to a parents' deep seated misogyny results in daughters who grovel for cheap male attention. Having expectations, rules and consequences results in respectful children capable of succeeding in life.

I have taught kids in the age range of 12-15 years.

The drug use and the loss of interest in things that used to interest him are classic signs of depression or mental illness. Trying to solve anything without getting to that taproot first will not be productive.

Strict discipline won't work. He will rebel. You can't strap him to a bed at 15.

Be firm, caring, and supportive. Offer him a choice of mental health treatments (talk therapy, a retreat, a group home, etc.) and see what he would like most. Give him some choice and see if he will take it. If not, you may need to make the choice for him, or have a counselor make a recommendation.

Pursue the mental health angle, and the discipline will follow.

Also, assuming you did the basics as a parent, this is not your fault. Sometimes kids are born with brains that just aren't meant for being a teenager in the 21st century.

John Utah puts the fun in family dysfunction wrote:

John Utah wrote:

This is the type of parenting that turns daughters into sluts, by the way.

No, only exposure to a parents' deep seated misogyny results in daughters who grovel for cheap male attention. Having expectations, rules and consequences results in respectful children capable of succeeding in life.

Sounds like you're not a parent and don't know what you're talking about.

John Utah puts the fun in family dysfunction wrote:

John Utah wrote:

This is the type of parenting that turns daughters into sluts, by the way.

No, only exposure to a parents' deep seated misogyny results in daughters who grovel for cheap male attention. Having expectations, rules and consequences results in respectful children capable of succeeding in life.

By the way, what you just said is what so many shitty parents say and then they can't figure out why their daughter is a slut and they don't have any relationship with their son. But I did everything right????

You are wrong with most of this. Kids need love from their actual parents. Not a shrink. Don't farm your parenting out. That's just a different "path of least resistance" for the parent.

Kids don't need bullshit. They need love in action from their parents, not words. And lots of it.

Where you are right is in your comment about strict discipline. He's too old for that and it will produce exactly the opposite of intended results 9 out of 10 times.

John Utah wrote:

John Utah puts the fun in family dysfunction wrote:

No, only exposure to a parents' deep seated misogyny results in daughters who grovel for cheap male attention. Having expectations, rules and consequences results in respectful children capable of succeeding in life.

By the way, what you just said is what so many shitty parents say and then they can't figure out why their daughter is a slut and they don't have any relationship with their son. But I did everything right????

Your son is a slut and you have no relationship with your daughter, am I right?

truth seeer wrote:

John Utah wrote:

By the way, what you just said is what so many shitty parents say and then they can't figure out why their daughter is a slut and they don't have any relationship with their son. But I did everything right????

Your son is a slut and you have no relationship with your daughter, am I right?

No

sounds like a dud wrote:

Some people are just duds. Even Rolls Royce will produce a defective car every once in a while, and even the best parent can create an offspring who just isn’t quite fit for the human experience. It’s more of a statistical inevitability that a failure.

Best thing to do is to cut him loose as soon as you can.

For now, just work on gaining some emotional distance so he can’t pull you into his spiral. His problems are his, not yours.

This is such an overreaction. A kid smoking weed and not caring about school isn't exactly a great reason to emotionally abandon him.

John Utah wrote:

truth seeer wrote:

Your son is a slut and you have no relationship with your daughter, am I right?

No

You ooze migogyny from your pores. Just using the term slut demonstrates this to be true. So I’m betting you have had your fair share of parenting problems. Approaching a woman’s sexuality from a standpoint of judgment does not fare well for your wife or children. But I’m sure you know this already.

Cheerio!

I wish you and your son the best.

Don't get mad at your son, but try to understand where he is coming from. If his true dream (at this time) is to open a pot shop, then talk to him about it. What will he need to do to make his dreams become a reality? It is not as easy as just putting up a sign and making it happen. If he plans to grow his own, he will likely want some horticulture training to really thrive and some business knowledge. If he just wants to sell, he will need to be able to come up with a business plan to get the loans to open a store, credit to run the day to day operations, know how to do some accounting, what it takes to get a license, and know the ins and outs of how to run a business. Will a bank take a kid that barely made it out of high school seriously? Not a chance. How about a college grad with a business degree/horticulture minor with some internship experience? Go tour the pot shops that are doing well with him and get him to talk to some owners/mentors what they did to get where they are today.

Use his dreams (even if you don't necessarily approve of them) to motivate him to be his best self. Worst case scenario, he becomes a successful pot business owner. Best case scenario, he discovers other interests along the way to pursue.

Also, try to spend more time with him doing stuff (i.e. trips, hiking, biking, fishing, projects, etc) and just enjoy his company. No lecturing. Invite his friends. They aren't going to smoke up with you around.

LetsRun troll, promoted to moderator; a miserable tragedy all around.

3) Set him up with a hot girl who doesn't smoke.

2) Move away to somewhere else and essentially force him to make all new friends in an area you've scouted to be squeaky clean.

1) Spend a lot of time with your kid bonding and worrying less about the pot. If you want to be a good example to your kid, spend enough time with him where he sees that pot has no useful role in your life or the life of any productive adult. Don't make it a lecture, but just a plain observation. When he compares your raising a family with his aimless nothing he may start to change his opinion on things like pot that are the differences between the two of you.

Most people I know who smoked pot achieved less than their peers or siblings, but by the end of their 20s could still get along with their parents based entirely on just how well the parents loved the kids during the messy years.

Kids are notoriously bad at learning from their parents' stories and instead mostly need to make their own mistakes. It's unfortunate.

My parents had a pot problem with one of my siblings. What they said worked was that they notified the school and every single solitary parent to a friend of my brother. It was no longer an isolated problem and it was totally out in the open as a community issue. Some parents are deadbeats and schools are unhelpful, but if you really care about your kid I think it's worth having a come to Jesus moment with every adult you know who has a kid's life at stake in this and if all of you exert pressure on all the kids you might get a much more different result than being the one lone parent behaving like a lame duck.

truth seeer wrote:

John Utah wrote:

No

You ooze migogyny from your pores. Just using the term slut demonstrates this to be true. So I’m betting you have had your fair share of parenting problems. Approaching a woman’s sexuality from a standpoint of judgment does not fare well for your wife or children. But I’m sure you know this already.

Cheerio!

You ooze beta cVck