Advice: 15 Year old son’s downward spiral

You’ve got a smart boy, he’s saving money by not going to college. Do you even know how much pot shops make???

A shop will buy a pound for $1600. Then they sell 1/8’s of an ounce for $30-40 with the “top shelf” going for $60-70!!

I was like this. Unfortunately early teens is when you start to grow into yourself and feel a desire to throw off parental expectations which seem to have no bearing on your life. If he has his head on straight deep down he'll get back on track after messing up his life. Worked for me at least. I took a hard look at myself and realized my parents were right.

Not my real fake name wrote:

I had this exact same experience when my son was that age, about 12 years ago now. Unfortunately my experience didn’t end well, so my advice may be of limited value. I can tell you in hindsight what I would do differently if I had another chance. There was an awful lot of conflict between us, and I regret that. We fought a lot to no particular purpose over things that turned out not to matter so much. I think in part he needed better examples from his mom and dad, and in part he had some powerful internal struggles that really needed professional intervention for evaluation and advice.

Good luck to you and your son, you only get one try, there are no practice runs.

As a new dad, this thread interests and scares me. I mean even with him as just an infant it's clear so much is out of our control.

I'm wondering how things ended up. You say it didn't end well - does that mean prison, death, od, etc?

CCB wrote:

School was never a big strength although he qualified and was in our school district’s gifted program.

Maybe just start giving him unconditional love.

Sounds like what he achieved was never good enough for you.

So he gave up trying.

Stop talking about his future, or what you want for him. Just sit and listen. He won't tell you much to begin with because he's a teenage boy and he's rebelling against 15 years of your parenting. Just listen, nod, don't give your opinion unless he asks for it. Just tell him you love him and you want to build a decent relationship with him.

rojo wrote:I'm wondering how things ended up.

Death by accidental OD of fentanyl-laced opiates, with a naloxone shot - for safety, he was no dummy - sitting uselessly on his desk beside him as he drifted off alone.

I don't intend to scare anyone, lots of kids go through phases and get to the other side just fine. Maybe 99.99% of all kids. Just not mine, nor thousands of others like him.

Again, to the OP, my best advice to you is to show your love and concern clearly, be a good role model, try to understand him better, and as much as practical avoid conflict and look for a productive path forward. I know avoiding conflict can be hard to manage with a strong-willed kid. I sure wish I hadn't fought so much with mine.

btheredtrhat wrote:

Seriously - this worked for me.

Get involved in what they are doing. Sound interested give them suggexstions on how it should be done and constantly talk about the plan to open a pot shop. When his friends come over- talk to them about you and your sons plans.

Fastest way for him to lose interest in the pot.

You may want to get some testing done to make sure there isn't a learning disability that is getting in the way. My sister in-laws' son was failing all his classes in middle school despite being an otherwise good kid. He would just stare out the window during class and when trying to do homework. After some testing, they found out he has a sensory processing disorder. He has made great strides after only a few months of occupational therapy. Lots of learning disabilities go undiagnosed well into MS and even HS.

The other thing to watch out for is mental health issues. Puberty is about when things like depression can start showing up. Without bombarding him with poking and prodding tests, a session with a counselor might be in order to see if he needs professional help with something.

Last thing is to see what his school environment is like and whether there are alternatives available in either magnet schools or private schools. We live in an age of "drill and kill" education where teachers are spending all their time in the class room trying to make sure everyone is ready for standardized testing. I have seen kids really open up when they were shifted to a different style of teaching, like Montessori or project based learning. Middle school is really a time when a lot of kids, especially boys, get lost because they do not respond to the classroom environment. People frequently believe that these kids are just being lazy or rebellious when they really just need a different learning environment.

Finally, if weed is legal where you live, you should embrace your son's ambition to open a weed store. Take him to meet the owner of a weed store and a grower. He will quickly find out that running a business, even if it is just selling weed, takes an education. And cultivating commercial grade weed is actually very heavy on science. Your grand bargain may be to let him continue to smoke if he gets his act together in school.

my two cents

Be "on his side" and love him unconditionally. Put him first in your life. Sacrifice for him - your time and energy. Treat him as an individual person, not someone there for you to control and command. All kids can feel and sense this, but it might take time. Sounds like your situation is heavily adversarial. Turn that around 180 degrees. He wants you to be on his side. More action, less talk.

The more you bark, press, "fight" him and "punish" him the worse it will get. Right or wrong, that's just reality.

Focus more on building his character and your relationship and less on outside results, metrics (i.e. grades, being a successful athlete, etc.) Good things will happen from a base of quality character. Maybe not immediately, but over time. He's got a long life in front of him.

I was in your son's position when I was his age. I started smoking pot and my grades went down and down till I eventually failed out and went to a new school, where I continued to get high all the time and suck at school (and everything else). The Summer after my junior year, I went backpacking in Colorado and cleaned my system out, and that made me better. I was alone -- no one seemed to quite know or understand what I was going through. I strongly recommend finding common ground with your son and growing love there. Tell him you want to know him, wherever he goes or whatever he gets into. If the communication and love are there your advice and suggestions will have meaning and go a lot farther. Nature, love, exercise. You are not a bad parent. Parenting is the hardest job of all. But don't get caught in thinking you know better. Ask him, invite him, to let you know him. Good luck

Also, one more thing. Life is hard and parenting is hard so don't beat yourself up. That won't really help anything. It is what it is and you are where you are. The past is gone and the future is not here. Do the best you can with what you have here and now. It goes wherever it goes. One step at a time.

Let him open a pot shop. He will probably make a better living than most people. He is not cut out for school work which is okay.

Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems. You should have caught the downward spiral before the age of 15. It starts with little things like temper tantrums and ends with big things like drug use, stealing, lying. Only give your child as much freedom as he deserves. Sounds like your kid needs to be put under house surveillance 24/7. I agree with previous poster's suggestion of military school. Someone needs to provide him with structure and strict expectations. Might be worth getting a second job to fund it.

As a plant biologist, using and selling pot (weed) is fine. I had some cool memories of hanging out with friends because they decide to share some with us while we play Risk.

I think instead of shaming or making them feel bad about themselves, you should learn to be warm. I had a best friend, and we used to talk every day heart to heart. We were also roommates. But when I was struggling and it seemed like I wouldn't get out of it, he'd stop believing me and treating me like shieet. I would always encourage him no matter what, even though I said nasty things behind his back and wished him ill. However, he would do the opposite and actually discourage me from pursuing my running and soccer ambitions.

It's all in your head though, bruh. Literally.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MolmoFuXu4

Honestyonly wrote:

I was in your son's position when I was his age. I started smoking pot and my grades went down and down till I eventually failed out and went to a new school, where I continued to get high all the time and suck at school (and everything else).

Parents shouldn't have bailed you out when you failed out of school the first time. Fail out = time to put on your big boy pants, get a job and start supporting yourself. You can still love your child unconditionally and let them fail. You can still want to know your child and let them fail. You can still support your child emotionally and let them fail. You are a good parent if you let your child fail. That's how kids learn not to fail at life.

The Pot: Not even once.

Some people are just duds. Even Rolls Royce will produce a defective car every once in a while, and even the best parent can create an offspring who just isn’t quite fit for the human experience. It’s more of a statistical inevitability that a failure.

Best thing to do is to cut him loose as soon as you can.

For now, just work on gaining some emotional distance so he can’t pull you into his spiral. His problems are his, not yours.

Banana Bread wrote:

Go on a big vacation with him to the wilderness somewhere. If he doesn't like the sound of it trick him into thinking it is somewhere you think he would want to go. Then go to the wilderness place. Some time away will teach him about life. I recommend somewhere like Chad, Siberia or Mauritania. He will learn about morals and ethics and wherever you go the local indigenous people can help you develop as people and grow now outlooks on life and you will learn lessons in life from them. He will literally be a new person by the end of it. You would probably need a few months to do it over summer vacation.

I'd be interested to hear more about the thought process behind suggesting somewhere like Chad, Siberia or Mauritania. Also, no Bekele?

Pretty much the same here. Son was doing well at the start of HS, but was exposed to a lot of problems there and he wanted out so much he quit. We enrolled him in a trade school to finish HS and he also became a chef. He then served 5 yrs in the Marines and is now an operating engineer for an environmental company. He 30 now. Time, just takes time and continued support. Hang in there.

All of the advice from parents is OK, but hearing some advice from someone who has been in the son's position would be infinitely more valuable.