Does anyone love their children unequally?

So because you have kids you give infinitely better advice than someone who doesn't, regardless of life experience? So let's say there's a father with one child, and a man with no children of his own who has experience with parental favoritism (much like the first poster), would the parent be infinitely more wise than the childless swine? What I get from your post is pure snobbery and ignorance. "Trust me, you'll know when you know" is a cop out answer and shows me that you have a superiority complex. I never put words in your mouth either. To be frank, your previous answer was a nonanswer and was near useless to the OP. I would take parental advice from casey anthony before i take it from you; i bet she would at least be respectful.

Every once in awhile, Utah is right about something. You don't have any idea what you're talking about. You need to change 10,000 diapers before you can give parenting advice. Your advice isn't necessarily wrong, but you are seriously underestimating the emotional stress that admitting to favoring one child cause cause a parent. Your advice is to 'just relax'. Having a child means that you are in a constant state of stress, there is no relaxing, this is something you would understand if you had kids. This is what he's saying. No need to get defensive about it.

Here is something very important.

If the favoritism is too extreme it is just a bad for the favored kid as it is for the neglected or scorned one. It's hard to see this and the scorned one can stay jealous of the favorited one even though the favorited one is a slacker FU as an adult and suffering in a different way as a result. You might be over adoring the favorited one. I admit I was and as soon as I understood it I started teaching the favorited one things that would help him not take the handicap into his future. They are close in age and I manned up when they were 10-11. Again not that things were too extreme , when these things get to out of hand the results can be disastrous for everyone.

Anyway, I think people are being too hard on the guy who hasn't had kids yet. All of us are still wrong here and there. That doesn't mean what he has to contribute needs to be shut down because he doesn't have kids. I hated that when I was single. It doesn't take much vision to see that plenty of young childless people can, would, will be , better parents than multitudes of people who are actually parents.

This is 100% my situation. I would love to hear more details about your apology to the older boy. How old was he? How old is he now? How did he take it? What did you say, exactly, to the best of your memory?

Well, it wasn't that long going and is an ongoing process. What really bothered me was how much he was isolating and opting out from family stuff out in the yard and what not. He didn't want hugs ,or even high fives, or fist bumps anymore. I talked to him about it and said it was my fault to a large degree. I was pretty direct, we have always had pretty good conversations about life stuff in general. He reads good books and that has brought up some things over the years. He likes the songs with deeper themes etc. Talking about personality is something he likes. He is a very bright nerdy child and knows he is different anyhow. Ear;y on I told him that there are lots of ways to be a man and getting into typical sports and things didn't matter to each persons value nearly as much as our culture emphasizes. Anyway, we discussed potential consequences of birth order first and how it could be difficult for the first born to be so particularly loved and adored and then a brother comes along to mess that up. I explained that parents love all their children equally, but we aren't always good at making it look , or them feel that way and that I had done it worse than I should have, that he was being fair if he appraised things that way. Yes, I cried in front of him and my wife as we discussed this. I told him I loved him so much….and did get to give him a good hug.

So I am going to say this part because you may have not been taught properly in your own childhood.:

My background was much worse. My mother kind of substitute spoused me, companionship not sex of course, when I was very young and her relationship with my dad was terrible. ,She then took me from my family , and with my father with whom she was divorcing, put 3 kids up for adoption and left 4 with the alcoholic dad. So, even though I had a lot of understanding of these things, I let it creep in. More to an average degree of course, maybe even less than average, but it still makes me really sad. Despite what people will say, I think making amends is important. We want our families not to be good for all, and that's a start. I think talking with my son about it and being more careful not to spoil the other one is a good thing. If I died today I think it would be super positively impactful and important to him that we discussed it and that I made changes for both of the brothers. ( For clarity see my other post about how it can't be good for the favorited one to do things differently).

Any way , I am glad you posted this topic. Good luck.

People without kids will rarely understand parenting, but that doesn't mean that they might not have excellent advice, since they too have been children in families with parents and because most people will know something of the kinds of problems that arise. You cannot command love, but you need to treat your children equally and in proportion to your educated, informed judgment with regard to their needs. You need to ask yourself why it is that you are annoyed by your child who does everything right. Understand that this behavior is something to be treasured, because it does not happen with a lot of kids. In other words, look to your kids' skill and virtues and appreciate them, but also love them for who they are and for the fact that they are your children. Your favoritism will have many negative consequences on both children. It is not too late to change.

Two kids: One is an A student with a significantly above average IQ and the other is a C+ student with an average IQ. The A student with the high IQ is going to see through your b.s. The A student with high IQ will notice your flaws and hypocrisies. Eg. if you tell the A student with high IQ the world is flat or there is no such thing as global warming, your A student child will tell you that you are full of sh&t! Be good to both of your kids!

This is awesome. Many thanks for your candor.

All the best.

BHAHAHAHA... John Utah is right dude. Your naive rant is cute though...

I feel like a horrible parent wrote:

This is the only place I can post this anonymously. I haven't even shared this with my wife. This is a 100% serious post, so while I know trolls will post awful things, I really would like some honest feedback.

My situation is almost identical to yours. Really, it's normal - all parents favour or prefer one over the other and treat them differently in different ways. As long as you acknowledge it, and appreciate it's normal, and check yourself every now and then, there's nothing wrong, believe me. You sound like a good dad by the way. Relax. Talk to your wife about it - she's almost certainly got her own version of the same thing.

Anyone who thinks that loving is a passive act is in for a disastrous family life. It takes tireless effort, understanding, tolerance and acceptance and it often runs counter to what you want to do or say in the moment. In fact, it take more effort to love a difficult child. Thus, one could argue quite the opposite. That a parent loves/invests more in the difficult child not because they want to, but because they have to.

I guess it's possible to love one child more than the other when/if a parent gives up trying to love/understand/work at the relationship. Usually these kids are allowed to sit in front of the TV/video games all day and are physically cared for but not actively loved.

I want to thank you all for some very thoughtful replies. I haven't had time to respond to everyone individually, but I really do appreciate your openness. You have given me a lot to think about and talked me off of the ledge a little at the same time, lol.

I am the middle of three sons. We are three very different people who needed to be approached and handled differently. There's no way my parents could have loved each of us the same way. Whether that's "equal" or not may be another matter.