Does anyone love their children unequally?

Maybe the kid you don't treat as well is a better human than you and you resent that?

Not a parent, but my parents both resent my brother. And he resents them and basically has ignored my sister and I for our entire lives. I get along with my mother better than my father. But my father barely gets along well with anyone. So there's that.

The flaw is thinking that everyone will get along well and treat each other equally. Just not happening. Accept the truth of the situation and try not to impose serious psychological or emotional damage on your children.

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I feel like a horrible parent wrote:

This is the only place I can post this anonymously. I haven't even shared this with my wife. This is a 100% serious post, so while I know trolls will post awful things, I really would like some honest feedback.

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I treat my two kids completely unequally. I don't mean I treat them "differently" because they are two different kids; I meant that I feel like I actually like them unequally. The more I try to treat them the same, the worse of a job I feel like I do. The truth is, one of them irritates the crap out of me, and the other one I just love to death. The weird thing is, the irritating one is the one who is the "perfect kid": does homework, chores, etc. without being asked. The one I just want to smother with affection is much more likely to try to sneak out of responsibilities. (There may be some "chicken-or-the-egg there, who knows?)

I can just hear myself being so short and snippy with one, and so patient and kind with the other one. Of course, I love them both with all my heart and would do almost anything for either of them... but I just feel awful about how differently I treat them... and worse, how I feel about them.

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You must describe what you mean by love. To love unconditionally is to make a conscious effort to love and accept someone despite your differences. Some people are just easier to love than others. It doesn't mean you love one more than the other. It just means that it's more of a struggle with one versus the other. It also means the relationship can be more rewarding and emotionally satisfying with one versus the other.

So, no, I love all my children equally. And I love their differences.

You’re good man. Just try to be fair, don’t be too obvious about it and keep the truth to yourself.

Yes. But I only have one.

yeah you're pretty terrible. loving/liking them unequally is fine. changing your behavior as a result, however, is where you're in the wrong. grow up dude.

Sounds like you are a Real Man, and that is all that matters. Thank you for your service!

Love is a verb. Love is something you do, which often involves some element sacrifice, both large and small.

People are different, with different personalities, and that includes kids as kids are people too, to state the obvious. Kids should not necessarily be "treated the same" because each is different. However, if your effort level is different then that's a problem, but I don't think anything is wrong with your "feelings". Some people get along better than others for whatever reasons. The key is how you respond to those feelings. The fact that you are aware that you are being snippy when you shouldn't be is a sign that you care. And if you try to do something about it that's for sure a sign is love. It's easy to "love" when things are easy, right? Come through when it's put to the test.

Do you have anymore details as to why? My sister is much more conscientious than I am when it comes to chores and grades and the like but gets horribly snippy if you disagree with her and is quick to integrate a political argument into any situation. Because of this my parents, especially my father, are very short with her because she starts most of the family arguments and is more likely to just be in a bad mood and unpleasant to talk to. I don't concretely know if they love me or her more since I'm a bit of a screw-up, but I know my dad would much rather shoot the sh*t with me for a day than hang out with her. SOmetimes that's just how things are, I wouldn't worry about it.

Adult children in their 20s?

If it’s any consolation they probably like mom better and you won’t have to worry about seeing them if she passes before you.

i'm 25 married and don't have kids, but i've read this is pretty common. just take a deep breath my guy the mental turmoil you put yourself through is ephemeral and a few years from now you will look back on this period and wish you had relaxed more. i would talk to your wife about it though; you guys are supposed to be a team and she should know how you feel so she can support you and help you work through it. i'd be prepared and do some research on it though before you talk to her. also never tell the kids and be a good dad

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advice for being a successful father wrote:

i'm 25 married and don't have kids, but i've read this is pretty common. just take a deep breath my guy the mental turmoil you put yourself through is ephemeral and a few years from now you will look back on this period and wish you had relaxed more. i would talk to your wife about it though; you guys are supposed to be a team and she should know how you feel so she can support you and help you work through it. i'd be prepared and do some research on it though before you talk to her. also never tell the kids and be a good dad

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Give all the inheritance to the one you like (don't tell them about it)

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John Utah wrote:

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advice for being a successful father wrote:

i'm 25 married and don't have kids, but i've read this is pretty common. just take a deep breath my guy the mental turmoil you put yourself through is ephemeral and a few years from now you will look back on this period and wish you had relaxed more. i would talk to your wife about it though; you guys are supposed to be a team and she should know how you feel so she can support you and help you work through it. i'd be prepared and do some research on it though before you talk to her. also never tell the kids and be a good dad

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People who don't have kids should never ever give parenting advice. Trust me. Your intentions are good, but you don't know what you don't know. You have no idea. You can be the smartest person in the world, but you don't know if you've not been there. And being a kid at one point in your life does not count as experience. If and when you do have kids you will know exactly what I'm talking about. It's just one of those things. Not everything in life is like this - need to have "been there" - but this is, parenting is. Resist the urge, dude.

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OP, Which one looks more like you , the one you have a better relationship with or the other one?

I think parents and even grandparents can sometime favor the mini-me kid and the one that takes on interests that they would. Like reading vs outdoor activities, or somethings like that. I sort of did and by the time I realized it it was too late. The worse part of it is that the rejected kid was the oldest, so already feeling displaced just by having come along. He knows I love him and have taken very good care of him, but it hurt his personality to some degree. Probably made him stronger in some ways, he's going to be fine. Like I said it's common and kids will deal with it if you have been decent enough to him. I admitted it to my boy and apologized.

You reap what you sow.
No effort, no reward.
No one wants to be around a sour puss.

sounds like you will be supporting one of your children until you die

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advice for being a successful father wrote:

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John Utah wrote:

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advice for being a successful father wrote:

i'm 25 married and don't have kids, but i've read this is pretty common. just take a deep breath my guy the mental turmoil you put yourself through is ephemeral and a few years from now you will look back on this period and wish you had relaxed more. i would talk to your wife about it though; you guys are supposed to be a team and she should know how you feel so she can support you and help you work through it. i'd be prepared and do some research on it though before you talk to her. also never tell the kids and be a good dad

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People who don't have kids should never ever give parenting advice. Trust me. Your intentions are good, but you don't know what you don't know. You have no idea. You can be the smartest person in the world, but you don't know if you've not been there. And being a kid at one point in your life does not count as experience. If and when you do have kids you will know exactly what I'm talking about. It's just one of those things. Not everything in life is like this - need to have "been there" - but this is, parenting is. Resist the urge, dude.

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oh okay, since I haven't had kids I must have zero clue what I am talking about. In that case, OP how about you do the opposite of what I've suggested because I'm so misguided? You should probably really dwell on it and stress yourself out as much as possible because what you've described is extremely rare and troublesome. Try tensing up all of your muscles at once until you puke or have a panic attack because you hate one of your kids. In fact, maybe you should be raising your less preferred son on PURE HATE so that he/she can become an elite 800m runner. Yeah keep your wife in the dark about it as well because your wife isn't there to be your life partner, you're actualy competing against her to be the better parent. She's probably keeping secrets from you too and telling your kid to piss you off. And lastly, make a formal announcement to your kids (excluding your wife of course) that you despise kid A and love kid B. Should get kid A to hop right on board the PURE HATE train.

JohnUtah you can go eff yourself. You're the most pretentious d-bag on this board and it's not even close. I read your advice further up the thread too and anyone who starts off a post with "the definition of x is..." is a moron. It's completely unnecessary and contributes nothing to the discussion. "Love is a verb." Give me a break. Absolute garbage just like the rest of your posts.

You sound like the teachers in school (who knew nothing about me or my emotionally abusive home life) who would give unsolicited advice that kids just want to rebel against their parents and that parents always know what's best. Go fall in a hole JohnUtah.

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