Looking for serious advice here. I've been in a relationship for 7 years. Some very big ups and downs. There was cheating during some heavy fighting 4 years back. Also, some rough spots where her actions were really hard to deal with (temper, anger, etc).
It's at that point where I feel so pressured to get engaged, it either has to happen or we have to separate. To be honest, I feel bad too...it's not fair to her that we have been together for 7 years and still not engaged. Even with the cheating, it's not fair. I know this.
Here is the thing...the past 2 years have been pretty good. I have to say that she has changed a bit. Her temper is much better...most likely because she doesn't drink that much any longer. We have had a fairly good 2 years being together. However, no matter what anyone says, you can't get over cheating...and that's one of the big issues for me. Also, I'm dumb to the fact that I probably don't know everything from our past. All of these concerns float around in my head.
I have had moments where I told myself to just do it...literally to the point where I'm looking at rings and telling myself it'll take the stress away so just finish it. However, I have this pit in my stomach that says don't do it. It makes me a bit sick. I am also not excited about the idea at all. It doesn't get me excited thinking about getting marriage. I just can't keep living like this where I'm in a relationship with someone I love, but still not married.
Any thoughts? Anyone else ever been in this situation?
Been in long relationship and still not married. Feel uneasy about it.
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How is it unfair to her? She could propose or make hints at marriage. If you can't get over cheating and still don't want to marry her, you should realize you need to dump her
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Why would you feel that you need to get married?
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johnlewisrun wrote:
I am also not excited about the idea at all.
Sounds like it was over a long time ago. End it. -
If you wanted to marry her you would have done it years ago. You're in this relationship for the wrong reasons. You can keep wasting your life with a person who you don't truly want to spend the rest of your life with, or man up, end it and get on with your life. Find the person you really want to marry. If you marry her, you'll be divorced in a couple of miserable years. Don't do it.
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johnlewisrun wrote:
Looking for serious advice here. I've been in a relationship for 7 years. Some very big ups and downs. There was cheating during some heavy fighting 4 years back. Also, some rough spots where her actions were really hard to deal with (temper, anger, etc).
It's at that point where I feel so pressured to get engaged, it either has to happen or we have to separate. To be honest, I feel bad too...it's not fair to her that we have been together for 7 years and still not engaged. Even with the cheating, it's not fair. I know this.
Here is the thing...the past 2 years have been pretty good. I have to say that she has changed a bit. Her temper is much better...most likely because she doesn't drink that much any longer. We have had a fairly good 2 years being together. However, no matter what anyone says, you can't get over cheating...and that's one of the big issues for me. Also, I'm dumb to the fact that I probably don't know everything from our past. All of these concerns float around in my head.
I have had moments where I told myself to just do it...literally to the point where I'm looking at rings and telling myself it'll take the stress away so just finish it. However, I have this pit in my stomach that says don't do it. It makes me a bit sick. I am also not excited about the idea at all. It doesn't get me excited thinking about getting marriage. I just can't keep living like this where I'm in a relationship with someone I love, but still not married.
Any thoughts? Anyone else ever been in this situation?
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com
Not perfect but somewhat helpful -
Hoping someone will change is not the firmest base for marriage.
Read your post and underline the parts that you believe are true indications that being together forever is the next logical step.
Erase the parts that might be problematical going forward as a married couple.
Post the results. -
DUDE that little voice in your gut telling you not to get engaged is very important. Go with your gut! DO NOT propose! The fact that you are 7 years deep is irrelevant. The fact that the past 2 years has been good is irrelevant. Your gut feeling means EVERYTHING. Get out ASAP. Marriage is a sham.
Ive seen this shiit so many times. With cheating in the background i guarantee it either ends now or ends later with divorce. 100% guarantee. Let it go now.
keep it real, god bless -
This sounds identical to the situation my current b/f experienced before he got married; he got married for the wrong reasons, he knew it, and she ended up cheating on him after they were married. Zebra doesn't change it's stripes. He's happily divorced now but that's an expensive lesson to learn!
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Thanks for some of the feedback.
In response to a couple of you, she is pushing this very hard...that's why I feel like I have to. Also, I guess it's just society looking down at me for not being married in such a long relationship. I hear about it every day from someone. There is always a friend getting married, which doesn't help. -
Was in a very similar situation. Caved and got married after 7yrs after her pressure. Marriage lasted 10 months. Follow your gut.
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Talk to her completely honestly as you did in the post above. From this conversation however it goes you will have a better idea.
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Anyway, don't do it, you'll regret it. Marriage != love. Never marry because you feel pressure to marry, regardless of whom. -
Why would your relationship get better if you marry? Most experiences show the opposite.
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"literally to the point where I'm looking at rings and telling myself it'll take the stress away"
Someday, you will wonder how you could have ever thought this.
Marriage is many things... stress-relief is not one of them. -
Don't do it! wrote:
If you wanted to marry her you would have done it years ago. You're in this relationship for the wrong reasons. You can keep wasting your life with a person who you don't truly want to spend the rest of your life with, or man up, end it and get on with your life. Find the person you really want to marry. If you marry her, you'll be divorced in a couple of miserable years. Don't do it.
This person said it best (though I would estimate a couple of months.)
Marriage doesn't relieve stress, it greatly adds to it.
Also, don't live your life according to someone else's standards. You do not NEED to get married (especially if your gut is warning you.) -
I'm not a troll...swear.
And thanks...that is one of my issues. I always feel like I'm living to make others happy. It's not a good way to live. It's just not an easy situation. -
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Cheaters cheat, that's just how it goes.
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johnlewisrun wrote:
Looking for serious advice here. I've been in a relationship for 7 years. Some very big ups and downs. There was cheating during some heavy fighting 4 years back. Also, some rough spots where her actions were really hard to deal with (temper, anger, etc).
It's at that point where I feel so pressured to get engaged, it either has to happen or we have to separate. To be honest, I feel bad too...it's not fair to her that we have been together for 7 years and still not engaged. Even with the cheating, it's not fair. I know this.
Here is the thing...the past 2 years have been pretty good. I have to say that she has changed a bit. Her temper is much better...most likely because she doesn't drink that much any longer. We have had a fairly good 2 years being together. However, no matter what anyone says, you can't get over cheating...and that's one of the big issues for me. Also, I'm dumb to the fact that I probably don't know everything from our past. All of these concerns float around in my head.
I have had moments where I told myself to just do it...literally to the point where I'm looking at rings and telling myself it'll take the stress away so just finish it. However, I have this pit in my stomach that says don't do it. It makes me a bit sick. I am also not excited about the idea at all. It doesn't get me excited thinking about getting marriage. I just can't keep living like this where I'm in a relationship with someone I love, but still not married.
Any thoughts? Anyone else ever been in this situation?
DO NOT GET ENGAGED. Even tho you say the last 2 years have been good, it isn't making you feel 100% sure, and the "pit in your stomach" has another name, it's called "gut feeling", or if you were a woman it'd be called "intuition"
That means your brain is trying to guide your heart. I say DO NOT GET ENGAGED, Break up, move on, both of you, if you can't break up, then just be FWB (friends with benefits) Getting married will not change anything except the size of your bank account FOREVER!! -
Pics?
You should have broken up after the cheating years ago. As that eminent philosopher Snoop Dogg once wrote, you can't make a ho into a housewife.
I've seen a lot of people in this situation get married because they can't figure out how to break up.
