I just finished the Madison Holleran book and am really curious to hear other people's stories and experiences with running in college while dealing with anxiety or depression. It seems to be way more prevalent than I ever realized and I wish I could have recognized it more in my teammates and found a way to help. Seems we need to have more discussions about this topic.
Sophomore year. Got over it by lifting more than we were supposed to, actually pursuing relationships, and changing how I interacted with everyone, including cutting toxic people out of my life.
I slowly took myself off the pills and called it good.
I was at the lowest in terms of social suicide and doing some pretty unusual things that made me a pariah or a lone wolf.
I endured this for two years.
It wasn't until my senior year that I decided to take life less seriously and accepted that while I'm not afraid to be honest with myself and not hide that I was depressed, many other people are.
Lots of young adults like to keep their image in tact, even though they're struggling inside. I'm the opposite and my GPA was a 2.7 at its lowest, I didn't care.
Health is wealth as my father would say. So I kept on running and realized the important things in life:
Obligations to family, and other people who I connected to in life.
It's ironic because I'm a senior right now in college, but this is what I visualize happening to me in my final year. Plot twist huh.
Don't take life too seriously and enjoy living and the endorphins.
Thank you for your honesty.
I was a college runner, and yes it was difficult to manage everything - so many variables.
I would visit a friend in north Carolina. Who wants to school and run. They would over train, and a few of them took their lives .
They were very talented, one of them ran a 4:09 mile after the work out .
Take it easy , live and love :)
Joe
I started going through pretty serious waves of depression starting at some point in high school. There were numerous points where I wanted to kill myself, but didn't want to hurt people I loved. When I first arrived at college I went downhill fast. It was hard for me to remember what I was living for without my family around me. A little into school I was convinced to walk onto the cross country team. The friendships I made on that team very likely saved my life.
By most standards I function very highly. I never let it affect my grades or running. To my knowledge the only people who know that I have a problem are the few whom I've told. All of them ran cross country at my school at some point. Sometimes running made it worse. There was a year where I was a scoring runner but just too slow for the team to achieve it's goals. That really got me...
But for the overwhelming majority of the time running helped me. At the end of the day I know my teammates have my back and always will. I've graduated, but a few months ago I was in really bad shape. I called a teammate and he just listened to me cry on the phone for a few hours. Afterwards he texted me to check in daily to make sure I was doing alright. I know that these guys love me and I never want to let them down.
I've dealt with it my whole life, and being somewhat injury prone would often make it worse. I lifted a lot, ran more than I could handle (which probably got me hurt), and dealt with it in other less healthy ways. Seeing a psychologist and taking meds helped, but it's honestly something that I still deal with and probably always will.
Those rare but essential people who won't let you disappear no matter how hard you try to.
And even more to those who listen to you without loading you with their advice.
And lastly, those who follow up, check in, and somehow remember when no one else does, that regardless of how things appear or how much time has past, it's still an issue.
Friends that keep you connected to other people are secret heros.
I think I am probably prone to depression to begin with and I truly believe running has been my salvation from what would otherwise be a pretty miserable existence. However, running in college has lead me to some very dark places. I have become so dependent on running as my source of happiness that injuries quickly send me spiraling. I rely on running to be a physical outlet for the negative energy and thoughts that constantly accumulate, to create structure in my life, to socialize, and to give me confidence. When that all is taken away, I simultaneously feel entirely empty and ready to explode. Since I have trouble really connecting with people, especially when that involves being vulnerable, this leads to a dangerous positive feedback cycle of depression leading to isolation, which worsens the depression, ad infinitum.
I don't think I've ever been suicidal, but my brain gets caught in loops that often return to thoughts of death. The most painful part is feeling helpless to break the cycle. When I start running again, things improve pretty quickly but I still haven't found a way to balance myself so I'm not totally dependent on running. On top of all that, I'm pretty sure I'm gay but haven't been able to come out. I wish I had advice to other people struggling with anything similar, but I'm still too deep in it and don't have the perspective necessary to offer any help. Hopefully, there is some value in just knowing you are not alone. May there be endless miles of blissful single track mountain trails (or whatever you're into) ahead for you.
What book is this you were reading about Holleran? I remember reading about her suicide and feeling really bad. Every time I hear of someone taking their life because of depression it really hits me hard, because I know that at times I've been close to that as well, I can relate.
I've been struggling with it for the last 7-8 years. My sport is not quite running but a different endurance sport. Helpful to hear some stories of people on here dealing with it and still getting some stuff done, living their life and continuing on.
In many ways depression has taken running away from me and it really hurts. Many days I want to run (or do other things I enjoy) but am not able to because of what is going on inside of my head. It's tough to get out of that spiral of depression, low motivation, not doing things you enjoy (running/working out for me) and then getting depressed because you're not doing shit all day just miserable, trying to escape etc.
Luckily I haven't turned to drugs or alcohol to cope, like my brother did, I just sort of wear it right in my face.
It's been a major drain and source of conflict for my relationship (of 6+ years now). It feels like a battle every day. I know I am "functioning" better/higher than other people who are homeless, drug addicts, bipolar/whatever else, but it is still really difficult.
Not really much to say. I find that what helps is having a support network of people around you who understand what you are going through, and being able to express what it is without people giving you needless advice or "you should..."-ing you to death. If you can create some structure and accountability outside of your motivation/mood, it can help drag you out of your own head. Also mindfulness has helped at times, but only at managing mood before it gets really bad, not really as a cure-all when you are down in the dregs.
Best of luck and know that others are dealing with it too.
The book was called "What made Maddy Run" by Kate Fagan.
Sports induced anxiety diagnosis my senior year in high school. Nearly a decade later, I still have some things I still do as I continue to compete.
I shit my brains out before races. The shorter the race, the more intense the nerves. 800/1500 anxiety is extremely high. Six or seven times I will head to the rest room to go #2.
In road/xc races longer than 2 miles, I am fairly certain (80%) of the time that I will puke/dry heave at the 2.5 mi mark of 3 mile races or when it's "go" time, in the race.
Also, I have a mild form of Tourette's/OCD and I kick/drag my right foot, and right foot only, into the ground when I'm nervous in the race sometimes.
HS coach "You're the fastest guy I know with two feet on the ground".
2:00/4:22/9:35 HS times. 8:43/15:03 3k/5k college PRs. I still compete, and can still run sub 4:30 in the mile. But 800s and 1500s hurt more as you get older, and the anxiety is ALWAYS there.
Been there, done that, and went through some pretty dark times from 21-23 years old. Were it not for a Christian upbringing and the fear of hurting others around me, I didn't ever follow through with actually committing suicide. In short, I had a lot of anxiety over the future, running was my whole world, and the world of college athletics can be such a all consuming bubble that you wonder what you'll do when it's not there anymore. Combined with an injury-laden senior year and I was admittedly a bit of a headcase. I don't recognize myself in that person anymore, but that stuff is real, and telling yourself it's a first world problem (even though that is true) doesn't make it easier or less real. I wish I would've had somebody to tell me it would be okay and to just enjoy that chapter of life. I don't regret collegiate running one bit, the good times were so good, but l I love life and running so much more now than I did then.
Anxiety in students is most often manifested in the first and final years. My anxiety was related to the process of adaptation to the conditions of study at the university, as well as the peculiarities of living in the city and the conditions of the hostel, the experience of separation from close relatives. https://nootropicboost.com/buy-best-nootropics/coluracetam/ helped to cope with the problem.
I hate myself more every day. Oh, this is supposed to be college. I'm a hs junior and it's a brutal awakening when you realize your test scores suck, your grades aren't good enough and neither are your times. Life sucks.
You don't need to recognize it - just treat people nice. Many people who suffer from depression simply need a good environment around them.
This thread raises a lot of questions for me because I want to write books about my sub-par
running career.
They don't really identify depression/Schizophrenia/Bi-Polar/etc. too well. I've been
described by doctors as having all of those. Which is it guys?
I take meds to solve the problem. However medicine does not help you see or hear better
and I have those problems too.
These things mess with your running ability. Yes, Jim Ryun had some hearing difficulties but
nothing close to what I had!
My question is what kind of book would help people with these kinds of problems?
I was a pretty happy child without mental problems till I entered the university. My life turned to hell. Deadlines, a lot of difficult tasks and total disrespect from teachers killed my nervous system. Now I try to mend it with https://cbdforsure.com/best-cbd-oil-for-anxiety-and-depression-reviews/
Things get worse in public places, especially in transport where I suffer from lack of fresh air, I am feeling I am sofocating. I find my meds rather helpful at these moments, but planning to finish therapy in the closest future. Last time I experienced a small panic attack at McDonalds.
Anxious runner wrote:
I just finished the Madison Holleran book and am really curious to hear other people's stories and experiences with running in college while dealing with anxiety or depression. It seems to be way more prevalent than I ever realized and I wish I could have recognized it more in my teammates and found a way to help. Seems we need to have more discussions about this topic.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I just watched an 8 min YouTube on her because of you and it has helped me as a dad refocus on what my daughter is dealing with. Thank you sincerely!
First off...female. Yes we exist here.
I'm old enough to be most of your parents. I kept diaries throughout my life and am at the point where i don't want these around anymore so i'm slowly reading through them, ripping out the pages, then shredding them.
I am at the one i kept in college. I didn't run for the team but i first started running then. The crazy thing is that there is so
much that everyone is posting here that i went through. i was stuck in a dead end job working through college while living at home, wanting so bad to get away from my parents, getting decent grades but no close friends, and just felt like the future was bleak and could see no way of ever feeling better.
In reading i was like "why didn't you go join some clubs to make friends" but the reality was, with a job in college, there was no time for anything but school, work, and studying.
I stuck to the grind mostly because i didn't see an alternative. I eventually graduated, met friends in the running community , and that ended up being how i worked my way out of that low. But as i was reading through the years, it wasn't like the movies where one day, one thing instigated happiness. It was just as much of a grind as putting in miles. life is good now and in hindsight, ages 18-28 were the hardest so far.
So if there is anything i can offer, what you are feeling is normal if you think that the grind you are in now will lead to better things, then stick to it. You are at a tough period in life.