But seriously (and he has had two of his own shows!):
Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.
[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy] From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!
(While teaching his son to play baseball): "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."
"It's a wonderful day when white people black people and Hispanics all come together, to pick on another minority"
When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said ' you wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!
Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.
Just yesterday you were my little girl on a tricycle. Now you're a young woman in a car, running over a little girl on a tricycle.
George: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years? Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people... George: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud!
Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.
This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.