Wife won't take my last name?

Star wrote:

When your kids get your last name she may want to change hers then so you all match.

No. She will want the kids to have her name.

So?

Be happy she's overlooking your inferior genes.

Not only did I take my wife's surname, I took her first name too.

Let me try, perhaps in vain, to add a grownup female perspective to this thread.

I was married (for the first and only time) at age 39, at which point I was a Ph.D. full professor with a well established professional reputation. I thought very hard about whether to take my husband's name. I finally did, but at some cost to my professional reputation (I tried to ease the transition by adopting my maiden name as my legal middle name and using all three names professionally, and that surely helped a lot). My husband never pressured me to change my name, and admitted some surprise that I decided to do so. In the end I decided that I wanted the world to know that we were a couple and the best way to do that was to take my husband's name. But it was not without some pain. Don't even get me started on the massive amount of paperwork involved in changing the name on every single legal document, account, etc. that a reasonably successful 39-year-old has accumulated.

I don't know anything about the details of your situation, but please think about it from your wife's perspective. Better yet, switch the roles and think about how you'd like it. Would you take her name?

I've been happily (and I mean it...happily) married for 20 years. My wife kept her last name. I don't understand why it's a problem.

we ain't gettin'married either wrote:

GF has a strong business identity attached to her name I already told her I feel that the 'taking my name' crap is passé.

Many famous celebrities changed their name legally while keeping their maiden name professionally.

Miranda Lambert became Miranda Shelton

Jennifer Garner became Jennifer Afleck

They both stuck with their stage names but had to use their married names for paperwork and they matched their kid's names.

And both divorced and seamlessly went back to their original names without anyone noticing.

OP, is your last name Dick by any chance?

I'll take your last name, if it makes you feel better.

I call my wife by her last name - I rarely call her by her first name, so it was actually my strong preference for her not to take my last name. Kids get her last name as their official middle name (as is custom where I'm from). That keeps a somewhat official-ish link between child and mother.

it has been a nightmare because my "newer" name is the same as an inlaw whom decided since she was in debt, it was okay to use my identity to open credit cards and buy crap on the internet.

Ugly story, but it took 4 years to extract myself from this persons delusional spending.

How does it feel to be emasculated?

Seriously, you should be concerned about your own insecurities.

No it means she's a very sensible person you are lucky

If you have concerns re sameness, you could take her name

Do you snivel and whine around the house too, or just on letsrun?

What's your last name?

Hitler? Focker? Johnson?

Good post. I know many academics who have chosen to keep their names for the same reason. There probably isn't any other profession where your name alone is so important. At least in other professions, you're typically being judged by people with whom you work directly on a daily basis. In the academy, you're being judged by people who may have never met you or seen your face.

I also think that using your middle name or taking a hyphenated last name is probably one of the best solutions. Another option is to change your name but to continue using your maiden name professionally, where it doesn't really matter if anyone knows that you're married or to whom.

I don't much care about having the same last name for symbolic reasons, but I think there are practical benefits. It immediately conveys that you are part of a single family, without the need for explanation. It's convenient when people don't second-guess if your spouse can pick up your car from the shop. It helps people to remember whose parent you are when you go to conferences at school. These are little things, but people who don't change their names know that they're always having to clarify or correct people.

As for whether I'd change my name? I would not. I think it's such an unusual approach that it would be consistently perceived as a very intentional political statement, which is something I'd rather avoid. But I don't consider it an emasculating or embarrassing decision.

I had a co-worker that had the word "Slut" in his last name and they didn't want their daughter to have that last name.

So they all changed their last name to a new name that combined a part of the wife's and husband's original last name.

Maybe we all should make hybrid names when we get married.

My wife didn't take my last name and we gave all the kids here last name for a middle name. It's sounds cool.

Anyway, opened to post this:

Don't worry OP , you are married now and flock with LRunners, so you already have, are are going to have a boat load of problems in your marriage that dwarf this name thing. You should learn to laugh stuff off more.

800 dude wrote:

taking a hyphenated last name is probably one of the best solutions.

Have to step in here and disagree. Anything but hyphenation. Sure, it's fine for the first generation, but think of the children: What happens when Jimmy Bryant-O'Neal marries Jenny Jordan-Pippen? They're gonna have kid with four last names?! Come on. And it only gets exponentially worse from there.

Don't hyphenate, BLEND. Jimmy BrO'Neal. Jenny Jippen. Much easier.