My mother in law lives with us and I am ready to crash into a big tree.

increase your mileage

Tell us more about this mobster debt.

Maybe they can disappear her.

Unrecognized wrote:

Thank you for that.

I am going to wait until 6 months before I go professional.

Reality is she needs to file bankruptcy and there is no way she can rent a place. This is going to be be a marathon.

Have you seen the Woody Allen movie "Crimes and Misdemeanors"?

Unrecognized wrote:

She will literally be homeless. No go.

Maybe I should go live on the street right now.

Since she made up with her boyfriend, she can move back in with him.

She's 60 years old and your going to wait 6 months to get professional help? She's had 60 years to get her life together and still has major issues, she needs the help now. You're not going to change her. No need to feel sorry for her if she's destructive to you, tough luck for her so kick her to the curb. She's not your responsibility and no need to feel guilty for telling her to go. Tell her to go to therapy immediately or else you kick her out. Simple.

Just tell your wife she has to go. Honesty is the way to go. If you can't be honest with your wife you have bigger problems than her mother. If she won't let you kick her mom out, despite how unhappy it makes you, then you've got to deal with the bigger issue of a really crappy wife. No matter what, you tell the mother in law to leave and then deal with your marriage. If your wife prefers you Robb's miserable, divorce is the right answer.

Unrecognized wrote:

Cheer me up please. I need it.

There are plenty of suitable trees that can provide instant relief.

Hey OP, I've actually been on your wife's side of this equation at one point, and I'm also a social worker (one of the the non-hitman type professionals you would seeks help from) so I feel qualified to give some advice.

I was about 25 and living with my girlfriend in a rented house when my mother was going though some rough times and needed somewhere to live. Being her son and having the means to provide that place to live I felt obligated to provide some help, and my girlfriend consented, probably like you not understanding the mess she was signing on to. Being my mother's kid I had grown blind to how dysfunctional she is and thought things would work out, part of being family is sometimes having more hope for someone to succeed then they actually deserve. Long story short my mother drove my girlfriend crazy, and before long it was clear the relationship between my girlfriend and I would fail if nothing changed. The biggest problem was my girlfriend never said a word until she was boiling over with anger around the situation and it was big deal already, you see she was afraid that I would be angry and insulted that she hated my mother. However once we talked about it and I understood she was being driven mad by the situation I asked my mom to leave. It was painful but she is after all a grown women and her failings cannot ruin my life as well. I was in a position were I may have lost the life I had built for myself if I wasn't able to end the situation and I felt responsible for all involved. In the end I put up some of my own money for security and first/last months rent on a place for my mom and moved on with my life. It was hard on my relationship with my mother for a time but in the end everyone survived.

The moral of that long story is talk to your wife sooner rather than later and let her know how hard this is on you. Chances are your wife knows her mother is a mess and cares about your sanity enough to help solve the problem. As for getting you mother in law help, it's possible from your description that she has a personality disorder or some other undiagnosed mental illness and that won't "cured" with a quick stop at the therapists office. It's good of you that you're trying to support your wife and her family but you may be biting off more than you can chew. No one wants to deny someone help but there is some personal responsibility that needs to be taken on the MIL's part and if you protect her from her own mistakes at the cost of your sanity she won't learn anything.

Good luck, I hope things work out for you and your wife!

Unrecognized wrote:

Cheer me up please. I need it.

* Your finances are separate, so you don't need to pay off her loans.

* Your wife loves her mom and wants to help her mom, you married a good daughter.

* You love your wife and want to help her help her mom, you are doing the right thing.

* Being lectured on money is not as bad as being lectured on politics or religion.

* Nothing is forever.

That's the best I can do.

I was going to make a similar suggestion. If you have the financials, I would just get the MIL a studio apartment and pay for the whole year of rent/utilities.

Instead of taking advice from a bunch of us amateurs on a running website, I would strongly suggest going to a marriage counselor. Have you even spoken with your wife yet about your feelings on this yet?

1. If you have spoken with your wife, what are her feelings about the situation? Does she love having her mother there or has she taken her in simply because she feels obligated? Does your M-I-L really want to be there or does she feel like she has no other place to go?

2. Does your wife see your M-I-L's issues from the same perspective as you or does she not see them as a problem? If you and your wife are on the same page about this, that is great. You can work to solve the issue together. However, if your wife is siding more with her mother and treating her like her primary partner (instead of you), then that is a huge problem. If that is the case, you and your wife need to go see a marriage counselor ASAP, as that shift will cause huge problems in your marriage and possibly damage it beyond repair.

3. What does your M-I-L contribute to your household? Does she work? Does she help with watching the kid and/or housework to help "earn her keep"? If she does, that is a good sign. If she is a total free-loader, that is definitely a problem in more ways than one. Do you want your child to see their grandmother setting a really bad example like that?

4. She obviously has money issues if she is taking out payday loans and has been relying on boyfriends. She probably needs to sit down and create a budget for herself so she can get a better handle on her money. If you think she is open to change, have her read Dave Ramsey's book and emotionally support her as she works her way through that process. That may be the best thing you can do for her and she may thank you for it down the road.

5. Do you make enough money to where you and your wife can afford to just pay rent for a small apartment for her? If not, does your wife have siblings who can contribute to help take care of their mother as well?

Good luck in getting this issue resolved. Like I said, professional help is probably necessary.

i don't recognize you wrote:

increase your mileage

I think this comment has gone unrecognized. I appreciate your humor.

DonJON wrote:

i don't recognize you wrote:

increase your mileage

I think this comment has gone unrecognized. I appreciate your humor.

I always think that you could probably answer 95% of the problems people post on here with this reply. It is universally sound advice for all problems.

Get a little trailer or RV, park it in the drive way, and stay in that for awhile.

cold beer Miller Lite wrote:

She's 60 years old and your going to wait 6 months to get professional help? She's had 60 years to get her life together and still has major issues, she needs the help now. You're not going to change her. No need to feel sorry for her if she's destructive to you, tough luck for her so kick her to the curb. She's not your responsibility and no need to feel guilty for telling her to go. Tell her to go to therapy immediately or else you kick her out. Simple.

This is half right. 6 months from now, will be just like today.

Once again, there are some powerful, hidden, stuff going between the mother and daughter that will "wake up" if you set some hard boundaries. You end up the loser with your wife probably mad at you too.

The MIL needs lots of work too.

Isn't this what antifreeze is for?

There's a middle ground between complete silence on the topic and "we need to get professional help right meow!"

Maybe start by just expressing that you're worried that her mom is going to be staying with you guys for a long time, and then from there bring up that it has been stressful for you. After you've talked about it some then you can bring up seeing a professional

Unrecognized wrote:

She moved in 4 months ago because she got kicked out by her boyfriend. I was ok with it cause we have an extra room in our place.

Now I found out she has $15000 in payday loans and should probably file for bankruptcy.

She also started going out with the boyfriend who kicked her out again.

And in addition to taking my parking spot, she sits there clipping coupons out for $.99 and talks about how we spend too much when I am paying for her utilities and has mobster debt.

Cheer me up please. I need it.

Pay day loans in my area are $2,800 to pay off an original $2,000 loan. In your case, looking at about $6,000 in vig on a $15,000 loan, assuming she has been making regular payments.

the FAKE Hingle McCringleberry wrote:

Take a big dump then stick her nose in it. This will assert your dominance and she will become submissive.

Please insert more cringe worthy humor to this post; it is much obliged also welcome.